Feeling desperate- pancreatic cancer

[jojo2316]

Ok. So I’m caving and writing on here about my latest HA flare up. I’m sorry guys, you are my “safe place”, where I can talk about my mad fears without worrying my family (by making them think I am “losing the plot” again. Not because they believe the said fears. They never do.)
I honestly don’t know why it’s getting bad again. I can’t really trace it to anything in particular- but then I often can’t. If I’d written on here 2 weeks ago it would’ve been onto my other “favourite”: my brain tumour thread.

But instead - it’s this. I’ve been getting all sorts of random there-not-there sensations all over my abdomen and back and I am SO hyper aware that it is almost unbearable. It is eating me up. It’s like I feel EVERY little muscle tension and twinge in my tummy. I also had bleeding after a BM this morning (but I do think that was *probably* my chronic anal fissure. I have had a clear colonoscopy less than 2 years ago...)
I know the real illness that I have - believe me- I’ve had years and years to get to know it - yet I have this terrible sense of foreboding (which is also the nature of the beast of course). I want to run to my (private) gastroenterologist and ask for all sorts of tests (most of which I have had already over the last few years, multiple times in some cases)- which I’m sure he’d be delighted to do for £££!! Oh I HATE this silly brain I have.

Thank you for reading. It helps so much just to get it down. Xxx

[Scass]

It does help to get it down, so well done for being brave enough to. Sometimes we just keep these things in our heads, when really most advice tells you to talk about it.

There must be something causing the anxiety flare up, there usually is something innocuous. Perhaps some big anxiety has finished and everything was quiet for a while, so this has come to replace it?

Perhaps it’s school holidays and all the stress / fun / pressure / lack of time to yourself of that is piling up?

A clear colonoscopy less than 2 years ago says it all. Nothing to worry about there. Do you have heartburn or reflux or ibs?

[jojo2316]

It does help to get it down, so well done for being brave enough to. Sometimes we just keep these things in our heads, when really most advice tells you to talk about it.

There must be something causing the anxiety flare up, there usually is something innocuous. Perhaps some big anxiety has finished and everything was quiet for a while, so this has come to replace it?

Perhaps it’s school holidays and all the stress / fun / pressure / lack of time to yourself of that is piling up?

A clear colonoscopy less than 2 years ago says it all. Nothing to worry about there. Do you have heartburn or reflux or ibs?

Thank you for the kind words Scass. I do have IBS... (I think). Certainly my bowels have intermittently been very weird in the decade since I have had an anxiety disorder. After my colonoscopy I was due to see the consultant again to talk about IBS symptom management. But I never went as I lost interest as soon as I “knew” i didn’t have bowel cancer (I was probably too busy dying of ALS or a brain tumour to bother with gastroenterologists)).... so maybe I will arrange that follow up after all. (Although I suspect I’m just trying to think up a legitimate excuse to get the reassurance my hA brain craves....!)

I hope you are well Scass - and that you are enjoying the holidays?

[pulisa]

You have such great insight, Jojo but that doesn't help when you're under the HA cosh. Maybe there has been a trigger but maybe it's an accumulation of daily stress when you have a young family and are "responsible" for everyone's wellbeing and have to spread yourself around..?

PLEASE don't put yourself through more tests/angst?!! You don't want to finance even further your gastro's affluent lifestyle. And you also don't need more invasive tests which are not based on clinical need.

It's horrible when you are locked in that body scanning obsession but remember when you definitely had footdrop? What are you fearing specifically now? Colorectal or Pan Can? xx

[jojo2316]

You have such great insight, Jojo but that doesn't help when you're under the HA cosh. Maybe there has been a trigger but maybe it's an accumulation of daily stress when you have a young family and are "responsible" for everyone's wellbeing and have to spread yourself around..?

PLEASE don't put yourself through more tests/angst?!! You don't want to finance even further your gastro's affluent lifestyle. And you also don't need more invasive tests which are not based on clinical need.

It's horrible when you are locked in that body scanning obsession but remember when you definitely had footdrop? What are you fearing specifically now? Colorectal or Pan Can? xx

Haha! I’d forgotten about the foot drop!!
im not sure what the actual cancer is I’m fearing. I had an MRI of my pancreas less than a year ago (I think), so I suppose PanCan is unlikely- as is colorectal cancer because of the colonoscopy (although the blood on wiping today did shake me...). Maybe stomach cancer? I had a gastroscopy maybe 3 years ago (my gastro must LOVE me!), which showed mild gastritis and h-pylori. Mayyyyybeee something awful could’ve grown since then???
xx

[pulisa]

Haha! I’d forgotten about the foot drop!!
im not sure what the actual cancer is I’m fearing. I had an MRI of my pancreas less than a year ago (I think), so I suppose PanCan is unlikely- as is colorectal cancer because of the colonoscopy (although the blood on wiping today did shake me...). Maybe stomach cancer? I had a gastroscopy maybe 3 years ago (my gastro must LOVE me!), which showed mild gastritis and h-pylori. Mayyyyybeee something awful could’ve grown since then???
xx

I presume you had the h-pylori nuked? So your random abdo sensations have morphed into stomach cancer symptoms? I think your brain is fishing for sinister reasons and coming up with a full catch instead of an empty net..

[jojo2316]

I presume you had the h-pylori nuked? So your random abdo sensations have morphed into stomach cancer symptoms? I think your brain is fishing for sinister reasons and coming up with a full catch instead of an empty net..

I did get it nuked but..... that doesn’t always work and since my worries moved on I never arranged the follow up appointment which would’ve included a breath test to confirm nuking had worked.

[pulisa]

I think you would have been well aware long before now if the h-p was still active?

[jojo2316]

I think you would have been well aware long before now if the h-p was still active?

Maybe... but it’s often symptomless. Anyway - I can’t remember what drove me to have my (two!!) previous gastroscopies though.. probably the same symptoms I am having now?! That’s why I love NMP. I’m forever thinking my symptoms are new - then I look back and see I’ve had them multiple times before (Mmmmm... maybe I should be worried about my memory...???)

[Scass]

No harm in arranging the follow up.

I had gastritis about a year ago, but I still get reflux flares. Maybe it’s something like that?

And I’m good thanks, enjoying the holidays. Getting a bit nervous the closer the new term gets!