Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right part of the forum to post this. Apologies if not.
The snow has been very heavy where I live, heavy enough that we've had to dig our driveway out, twice in the last two days. Now, as I suffer from chronic illnesses that cause severe pain and fatigue, I really should not be doing this kind of work.
My husband started clearing the driveway yesterday, but I felt awful that he'd have to do it himself so I said I'd help. So out we went with the snow shovels, and in a matter of minutes my back/hips/shoulders were so sore I had to keep stopping and standing upright just long enough for the pain to subside, then I went back to digging.
Whenever my husband told me to go inside, that I'd done enough, I just looked at how much there still was to do and knew it wasn't fair on him so I continued, even though by now I was in pain non-stop, and stopping to rest/stretch wasn't helping any more.
Then this morning, we needed to do more clearing, but this time as well as doing a bit more of our driveway, this meant having to dig out the snow on part of the road as well.
At one point a neighbour (who'd been doing his own digging further up the road) was walking past just as I was at my slowest (due to the pain). He said to me "you need to work faster than that to get some heat up" and I felt awful; our neighbours don't know that I have chronic illnesses and they probably see me and assume I can do as much as they can.
What also didn't help was that an elderly lady further down the road was digging her own driveway, and I thought there's no way I can just stop, if she can manage to do it, why can't I? What would people think?
Another neighbour came past and told us that we'd cleared enough of the road that she should be able to get her car back in. While I'd been clearing my 'bit' I'd seen that the area she parks her car on beside the road, was quite badly filled with snow.
So, I felt like I should clear that bit too.
And now, here I am, lying propped up on the sofa where I've been pretty much the whole time since we finished our tasks this morning, in pain and pretty much unable to move.
My illnesses aren't visible to anyone else, unless I'm having to use my crutches, so therefore people will be thinking that I can manage, and they would be annoyed if I didn't pull my weight, especially at the moment with all the bad weather when we should pull together and help others.
Don't get me wrong; I like helping other people when I can. What I don't like is putting my body through hell in order to do so.
So, as I was sitting here, I was wondering why I have these feelings of guilt, why I'm so afraid to show people that I simply. can't. do. what they expect me to do. I hate myself for pushing myself this way, but I don't know what else I can do.
Is this another side to anxiety? What can I do about it, if it is? Why do I push myself in this way?
Does anyone else feel this way?
Sorry for the long post, I wish I could condense things into a few sentences but I needed to get across my feelings and how all this had come about.
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for reading the long post).
