I feel so insane

[Stevsen]

Hey everybody

Sorry for the gloomy title of my thread, but it's the best way for me to describe my issues at the moment.
First, I'll give you a bit of backstory, as I am new here, and would like to introduce myself. Like most of you I suffer from anxiety. Atleast I hope so. I was diagnosed when I was around 19 with GAD, with OCD tendencies (by about 5 different psychiatrists, and a psychologist. Since then I have been on different medications, until finally landing on cymbalta, which has worked quite well for me.

Anyway, I am now 26 and for the last 5-6 years I have been more or less completely symptom free, and mostly happy. The last two years especially, I have literally had zero anxiety, and have just enjoyed life. Until a couple of months ago. I had some personal issues (normal stuff, relationships, etc.) which left me feeling a bit depressed.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, all hell broke loose.
At least I feel that way.
See, my anxiety stems from a huge fear of developing schizophrenia, or any form of psychosis.
When I was younger, I would see everything as a symptom for the disease. I even started thinking what I call "delusional thoughts", after having read a few stories of people with psychosis. Like I absorbed their delusions. I then gathered all the information I could on delusions, and started making up my own. Anything I thought about, I tried to create some sort of delusional theory about. I then started worrying if I was hearing voices, ever since I learned they could be heard just like thoughts. From then on, I started constantly monitoring my inner dialogue. I started imagining what a voice would say or sound like in specific situations. After some time I also started having random words or sentences pop up in my mind, especially when I focused, or thought about it. Then, after reading about someone who thought he could hear the wind talking to him, I tried to do the same. I started finding words in my head I could sort of "fit" with whatever noise I heard. The words were always in my head, but I developed a habit of it, and couldn't stop doing it, leading my to think that this was what hearing voices from inanimate objects was like.

Long story short, I started therapy, and gradually got better, until I didn't need it anymore, and started living my life like I used to again. I guess you could say i was "cured". All my problems went away.

Now.. They're back. And with a vengeance. It's like I'm experiencing it all over again. The thoughts, the fear, all of it. Like I'm back where I started.

I guess I just don't get how this is just an anxiety disorder.
Let me give you an example of my thought pattern, with these delusional thoughts. This one, I picked up 7 years ago, after reading about someone else who thought about it, and was psychotic.

Thought: What if people around me are demons
Reaction: That's absurd, people aren't demons, they don't look like it or act like it. And I'm not even religious
Counter-Reaction: But what if they're just disguised as people, and secretly do evil stuff.

And so on.

Does anyone else ever feel like I do? Did you ever relapse? Maybe I am finally going psychotic. Honestly at this point it would be a relief so I could stop thinking about it, and start getting treated for it.

Best regards
Stevsen

[Midnight-mouse]

Simply the fact that you know you are thinking about it and know where you picked it up from, people with the sort of psychosis your worried about wouldn’t be worried - simply as far as they are concerned the wind does talk to them, not that they have to listen for it or think about it. Or the people are demons no reaction or counter reaction.


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[Stevsen]

Thanks for replying!

The thing is, when I truly think about it, I cant imagine these thoughts being true. But at the same time I spend so much time thinking about it, trying to disprove it in my mind, or convince myself that I do believe in it. Half the time I think about whether it's true or not, the other half I spend thinking about why the thought is on my mind and that it must be because I'm crazy. It's kind of a paradox for me. For me the only outcome if I believe the thought is that I'm crazy. It's such a vicious cycle. Have you been in a similar situation, or have any advice on how to beat this thing? I feel like I've tried everything

[Midnight-mouse]

The truth of it is that if you have any amount of time wondering if the things are real or convincing yourself that they are then they are not real in the slightest. I have OCD and trust me you can convince yourself of pretty much anything, that doesn’t make it real just an issue. The best thing I have ever found is acceptance, when an intrusive or obsessive thought comes in to my head I will accept it as a thought but not as fact and let it pass right on by giving it the mental wave (or finger) as it goes. Don’t latch on to it and just accept and dismiss every time you get a ‘what if’ or a ‘yeah but’ and eventually it calms down. I’m far from perfect with it and I still have some OCD related issues but I’m at a point where I’m much happier and actually moving forward with my life.


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[Stevsen]

I guess the worry for me is just the content of the thoughts. I never feel like someone is after me or I'm being watched or anything, yet I think the content of the thoughts I have are of a very paranoid nature. That's what makes me question my sanity.