Surely shouldn’t feel like I do

[clio51]

Don’t know why I’m posting, maybe someone understands
I’m so fed up of feeling the way I do, a couple of better days then days of Feeling empty and flat, no enthusiasm and having to literally make myself do things in order to not sit and dwell. I/ my family deserve to see me happy.
I’m sure I’ve a personality disorder or something I never seem to be happy, not just this episode I’m talking about.

My ex husband used to say to me “ doesn’t matter what I’d do, you still wouldn’t be happy”
Probably why we ending up getting divorced.
Is it possible for people to never be happy or enough ?

I get waves of feeling really flat, then say within 10minutes I can feel slightly better. I sure it can’t be normal to feel like this, today I’ve thought I’d rather not be here than live like this.
not suicidal thoughts
I’ve come to the conclusion today, I need to either up my dose venlafaxine
But don’t think I can deal with anymore up and down feelings and defo no more anxiety, ie SE of upping dose.
Or do I ask for mood stabiliser or psychotic.
I hate messing about with meds it really makes me over think the situation.
Gp knows I’m med scared, and even when starting this med made me suicidal and took literally months to get me off the sofa and able to confront going outside.

My old psychiatrist won’t see me again, she’s told GP to up my venlafaxine.
As you can only see psych in my area(Mcr) if your level 4, Healthy Minds is the way into mh only and it’s an non urgent service.

I’m even thinking off going to see psych private, are they The experts?
Get someone to listen and get me On the right meds, does money talk?

So confused ��*♀️

[roxy46]

Aww Clio. Sorry to hear you’re not feeling great.

I think you need to have a good chat with the doctor about how you’re feeling. If they really think the dose increase would be a benefit maybe you should seriously think about it. We both know that the side effects will be there and that it’s hard. But surely a few weeks of side effects is better than going through what you’re going through now? You might just need a small increase to give you a bit of a boost? And if it doesn’t have the desired effect the doctor will be able to suggest the next course of action.

It’s worth thinking about.

Do you have any peer support groups where you live. I’m thinking of going to one through healthy minds where you can chat with people going through similar experiences?

Sending you lots of love xxx

---------- Post added at 18:47 ---------- Previous post was at 18:45 ----------

And my husband constantly says I’m never happy 😊 I think that’s just a husband/wife thing lol

[clio51]

Hi roxy

I had a chat about 3 weeks ago, dragged my partner along so he could say his bit of what I’m like.
It ended up with me in tears(again) told her that I’m confused about what to do and get stressed with how it’s affecting me and unable to eat when I’m like this. She just kept saying aww
She said to think about upping meds or adding psychotic and she would ring healthy Minds to see if she can push me up the waiting list for talking therapy.
Think the healthy minds worked, as I now have an appointment.
There’s only so much she can do, I know that

The Healthy Minds in my area is so stretched, when I went on the waiting list they said 9/12 mths waiting !! It’s taken about 6 mths and that’s because I’ve been pushed up.
Will ring tomoz to ask if they have support group, not holding out much hope though.

So plan is tomoz, getting up 7.30 and ringing surgery to get appointment if poss with my Gp as there no online appointments for next 3 weeks.

Anyway, how you doing? Any change ?

[roxy46]

The talking therapy stuff will do you the world of good I’m sure. It really clicked with me the last time I did it. They just help you to think differently.

Have to had the same doctor for a long time? Are you happy with her? Have you considered seeing someone else if you’re not?

Have you decided to up the dose of venlafaxine? Or are you still unsure? What dose are you on now?

My doctor swapped me to modified release effexor on Friday instead of the standard ones. I’m Not too bad. Pretty similar. I just feel really flat. Like I'm just going through the motions a bit fuzzy. I’m Not running around in a mad panic with super high levels of anxiety. But it's still there simmering in the background. Pushing myself though and we had a nice afternoon bowling. My appetite is back and I am sleeping past 5am. Day 17 of my increase today, so as the doctor assured me still Very early days.

Feeling a little anxious tonight, I think as I’m back at work tomorrow and back to all my routine and responsibilities.

But I think I’m definitely over the worse of the increased anxiety now so that’s a positive xxx

[clio51]

Been with this Gp about 2 years, my old one retired who was very good with me, but then getting into mh that’s urgent as well and truly changed over the years.
Yer she seems to do what I ask for ie blood test, when I need Diazepam and chasing things up. I’m on 150mg Effexor and have been for 5 years or so, they tried to change everyone on this over to cheaper one and she let me stay on it.
when the psych wouldn’t see me she told Gp to up me to 225mg, no way I’m not jumping 75mg so I got some 37.5mg there still in cupboard! Still scared too �� need to get a grip
I do this, when I’m flat/down and it rears my anxiety i get all positive and think right I’m doing it upping venlafaxine
i take Diazepam for couple days and I settle (anxiety wise) then start to think No I’ll be ok
It’s a bloody vicious circle with me, I need some positivity

So your only on 75mg? have you only ever been on 37.5mg for those 5 years?
I hate the flat feeling, so much effort is needed to do things.
positive decision from you today about bowling, did you enjoy it? Or was you going through the motions for the kids?

Your Probably bit wired tonight as you say new week starting. Do you work 5 days?

---------- Post added at 20:55 ---------- Previous post was at 20:55 ----------

Posted to early lol

Take care xx

[roxy46]

I remember them changing me over to venalic once. It really didn’t agree with me. So this time I said I needed the Effexor.

If you’ve been seeing her so long it makes sense to stay with her. I think you just need to make a descision (whatever that is) and stick with it. Worrying about what to do all the time can’t be helping.

Yeah I’ve been on 37.5mg for 5 years now. Tried to come off that when I was pregnant but I struggled with side effects and doctor advised me to stay on it. I really worried about that but she said happy and healthy mum was the main thing. In the past I went up to 150mg once but that was after I stopped taking my 75mg of my own accord without the doc because I thought I was better (stupid).

So this wobble I’m going back up to 75mg. The doctor seems pretty confident that’s all I’ll need. Fingers crossed. I think the flat feeling I have at the moment is a side effect from the dose increase, I’m a bit wuzzy. This is since the modified release tablets.

I’m doing an online CBT course through work. The first session last week said you had to commit to doing something that you used to enjoy that you haven’t done for a long time. I picked bowling. You had to score how much you thought you would enjoy it then score it after you did it. I did enjoy it more than I thought I would. The idea is to teach you not to stop doing things because you think you won’t enjoy it/can’t be bothered. We all had fun.

Yeah I work full time 5 days. Been thinking a lot today of the things I’m going to do when I’m feeling better. I might write a list. Not all big things some really small stuff like get some new blinds up. Get some photos printed. But some bigger stuff like make more time in the week for myself and the kids take more holiday from work etc

Hopefully it won’t be too long. For either of us xxx

[roxy46]

How did the doctors go Clio x

[clio51]

Couldn’t get appointment with Gp only nurse practitioner.

So I upped my ven on Monday by 37.5mg now on 187.5mg, don’t think I’ve noticed anything, but I’ve done it. Which took a lot of courage, but I can’t carry on like this.

My counselling today!
Didn’t have a good start to it as, I got woken up out of sleep(tossing and turning all night) and it was 9.15 had to be there 11am. This threw me in an anxiety state and rushing around shower,hair etc.
Anyway made it,
It was in a health centre, the room was not relaxing it was a room where they weigh The babies, and was so hot I couldn’t concentrate! Sat on an upright straight back wooden chair
After few questions and about half an hour I realised that it was not a regular session
Because I mentioned my Gp thought cbt might help. She was a counsellor only!
So the tears came flooding,
She was going back to her line manager to discuss me, and would ring me
I asked about why can I not see someone like a psychologist or psychotherapist who can adapt therapy to your needs, and not just one.
I got pent up anger,feel upset,frustrated probably put to much hope into it and feel completely let down yet again. My partner is getting the back lash of it all, I’m being utterly horrible and saying hurtful things to him.
The older (60) I get the less confidence I have in dealing with anxiety/depression, it just strips you.

Most frustrating thing is I have private medical insurance and it won’t cover me for mh because I’m on going medication .
I’ve spend most of the day looking to see if anyone will insure existing mh problems.NO

I’ve put of reaching for Diazepam, but think now I’ll have to calm down, it feels like I’m full of adrenaline that’s turning into anger.
God I’ll be going for anger management soon, so pissed off