This is my first post. I just found this website a few days ago and its been an eye-opening experience. I thought I was alone and I didn't know there was a forum of people that were seeking help and I was wondering if some people could give me advice:
Ever since I've been in my early twenties I've constantly felt like I had a serious disease. I spent the rest of my twenties living in constant fear of dying from something serious that I felt like I had symptoms of. Honestly, there was never a time where I felt like I wasn't dying from some terrible disease.
At first, I thought I had type 1 diabetes. I had dry mouth, frequent urination, dizziness and inability to concentrate. I went to the doctor and my sugar was high but they did more tests and found nothing wrong. Even after that reassurance, I lived in fear of this for 3 years. I constantly checked my blood sugar and felt like I had symptoms.
The second thing I though I had was HIV, even though I practiced safe sex I felt like I had the symptoms. I had swollen lymph nodes, "flu-like" symptoms and was always tired. Eventually I got a blood test and after many months the fear eventually went away. I used to have a severe pain in my liver that I thought was liver cancer, it felt swollen and I was certain it was cancer and was going to die.
There were many other things I was worried I had, heart palpitations, mouth cancer the list just continues...... The truth is that in my twenties even though I was living in a mental prison I had always been able to control it and keep it in the background. I can't do that anymore.
For the last 5 years I've been suffering from muscle twitching and it's absolutely been driving my crazy. It worse when I'm sitting still and I have trouble sleeping sometimes. I went to see a neurologist about two years ago and he said I had Benign Fascillation Syndrome. This made me feel relieved for a few days but then they came back. The anxiety flared up and I've been dealing with it for over two years. I just lived with it, even though it was a source of tremendous anxiety.
About two months ago I finally felt like I had the twitches beat, things were looking up and I found that caffeine caused them to become much worse so I cut it out. Then I came down with the flu and all hell broke loose. The flu eventually got better but I started getting these weird sensations.
At first it started with my feet, it felt like my feet were burning, then my hands, and my leg started hurting from my buttocks down to my toes. My muscles in my calf felt tight and my palms and feet were constantly sweaty. I was absolutely beside myself.... Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, could barely concentrate.... I went to the ER because I thought I had a blood clot down my leg; 3 thousand dollars and a bunch of tests later they found nothing wrong..... I scheduled a doctors visit the next week. The doctor looked me up and down and said I was healthy, but based on my history that I suffered from severe anxiety... He gave me 10mg of Citalopram and told me to start taking it. I started seeing a psychologist and it seems to help; a little bit at least. He's absolutely convinced that this is health anxiety and constantly tries to reassure me that it's going to be okay (I've only seen him twice).
The truth is I don't feel any better, I still get the pains, sometimes I hear ringing in my ears that causes sheer moments of panic and anxiety, my leg hurts, I get tingling sensations in my hands and feet, my feet and hands always feel cold and it feels like I'm getting poor circulation throughout my body, my hands feel like they fall asleep easily if I sleep in funny or awkward positions. I feel like I have MS or ALS....... As a result, I don't want to do anything or see anyone because I'm afraid the next step will be my last... I live in an absolute sea of anxiety about it and it's the only thing that I think about.
Honestly, and I would never mention this to anyone that I knew, but I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want to quit. My girlfriend is supportive but I still feel judgment, my parents try but are getting tired of it,and I'm personally embarrassed of myself. Embarrassed that I've let it get this bad and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm staring into an abyss and I don't think it's ever going to change.
Thanks,
A Very Scared Human Being.
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