Harm ocd Need some reassurance Bad I know

[Ridgerunner]

I haven’t been on here in years. I’ve had ocd for 30 yrs. diagnosed and have been in remission for 4 yrs. exactly 2 months ago my harm ocd came back. I have been through various themes from hiv ocd, rocd, schiz ocd, health ocd, religious ocd, and the worst harm ocd. I’ve been through harm ocd probably 15 times in the 30 yrs I’ve had ocd. It has been about just about everyone I love at one time or another. But the worst is when it is about my son who is 15. I literally go from being a carefree happy funny dad to a nervous scared horrified nervous wreck when harm ocd starts. I used to have the usual what if thoughts or knives and such but years ago it got to where I got desensitized to those thoughts and the intrusive what if thoughts turned into I want to thoughts and this literally floored me. I am 110% opposite from these thoughts and the sheer shock and fear I feel from these thoughts is pure torture. I have so many compulsions. Checking lights, appliances, locks, parking brakes etc. I do these because ocd makes me think of I don’t then it means I want to harm others. I also have mental compulsions of mental checking, confessing, and asking for reassurance, and googling online. I used to ask myself questions to prove to myself that it was all ocd but now when it gets bad it’s like I can’t answer and that starts the worry loop again. But then when I have clarity usually at night I know for a fact that it’s all ocd and know for a fact I’ve never wanted to harm a soul and never will. This last until I wake up the next morning and I check to see if I’m still well and it’s back again. It’s almost like I’m bringin it back and it makes for a whole day of worrying, checking, etc to try to prove it’s ocd and not me. That’s how it works for me. I check my reaction and thoughts when I look at loved ones and of course this brings on more thoughts. It’s like I set myself up for keeping the loop of fear going. I love my child and family more than life and I would gladly give them my last breath in a second. That’s the truth. My problem is it’s always hard to accept it’s ocd when the thought comes in the form of want to instead of what if I want to. I know it’s a trick of ocd and I know I have beat it before and it takes time but any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I’m feeling terrified scared and hate this. It’s like a battle with my own mind. Thank yall

[blaziken25]

Sounds exactly like me. I am horrified by some of the thoughts I have. I have yet to find anyone who can help me with my condition.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I've been through the "want to" thoughts too with harm based intrusive thoughts. Part of these disorders is about fear of loss of control, uncertainty, etc so it feeds into that, the whole "maybe I am turning into that monster"?

What helped me initially was understanding that this was another feature of these themes, that medical professionals stated this and that other sufferers agreed too. This wouldn't stop them but it did take some sting out of them as I could consciously agree that this wasn't some emerging problem but just an offshoot of my current anxiety.

Some of these themes don't seem like they could ever be a part of OCD until you read about OCD. The media have fed us OCD being about hand washing, cleaning, hoarding and checking things for many years so to start receiving thoughts about abusing loved ones wouldn't spring to mind as OCD. So, you start worrying about it being about what you read in the rest of the media, the criminal side.

I'm glad you have educated yourself on all this and consciously worked out your true beliefs are unaffected as well as learned about your compulsions. Working on your thoughts it one element of this but it is important to also eliminate the compulsions as they are helping to keep this important to your subconscious, it's the whole reacting with negativity thing. Come up with a plan using ERP to start reducing those compulsions because once you get some headway with this you will likely start to feel more in control of what probably feels like your body isn't your own at times.

It's interesting that you find it easier to work on your thoughts at night. Many of us have daily patterns of anxiety where it's more intense earlier on in the day, which may be a result of natural Cortisol patterns which spike as we wake and reduce over the hours.

Working on thoughts is useful but it can also be useful to try a more acceptance based approach. I found Mindfulness helped me because it trained me how to sit with these thoughts without interacting with them. It also introduced grounding-like exercises that I could when I was out to re-focus my mind on the now.

If you stop yourself reacting with fear you undermine the process as it is expected only a fear based reaction. Over time the subconscious will reprogramme itself to stop fearing x, y or z because it learns the conscious mind doesn't care about it.

[Homer47]

Hi sorry to hear you’re suffering. I can relate to you on the harm ocd, i do find this one the hardest to solve. Almost like i find it impossible. My harm theme is about 15yrs old. Been worrying since i was 10 now 42. Was reading up on intrusive thoughts. What i hate the most is not much the thoughts but the feeling when my harm ocd kicks in. Is when it feels like i,m about to act on that impulse or urge. Fight flight freeze. I presume that’s our adrenaline kicking in every time. So like this wk at work people all around me. All day this feeling of pure scary urges or visions of acting out is horrible. Is this similar to what you get.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi sorry to hear you’re suffering. I can relate to you on the harm ocd, i do find this one the hardest to solve. Almost like i find it impossible. My harm theme is about 15yrs old. Been worrying since i was 10 now 42. Was reading up on intrusive thoughts. What i hate the most is not much the thoughts but the feeling when my harm ocd kicks in. Is when it feels like i,m about to act on that impulse or urge. Fight flight freeze. I presume that’s our adrenaline kicking in every time. So like this wk at work people all around me. All day this feeling of pure scary urges or visions of acting out is horrible. Is this similar to what you get.

It's like when you are on a bridge and the thought to jump comes. You almost feel yourself swaying, gripping the railing harder, etc.

[Homer47]

Ye i suppose yes. But now sat at work thoughts mind reassuring myself like i can tell i,m obsessed about that feeling coming in. The feeling i hate. Does that make sense.

[Homer47]

I had that same (feeling) when my daughter was born. Now that was a horrible time. Worrying incase you thought you were going to loose control and molest. It was petrifying it ruined the early years i should of been happy but my £@&@£ OCD spoilt it. That feeling i guess is the wooshing anxiety. Feels like your stopping yourself. Can any one relate to that.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Ye i suppose yes. But now sat at work thoughts mind reassuring myself like i can tell i,m obsessed about that feeling coming in. The feeling i hate. Does that make sense.

Fear of fear. Fearing symptoms & triggers. It's one of the things that keeps it alive.

[Homer47]

It certainly does that keep it going. So basically i fear the fear.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Same here, Homer. I've tackled much of my OCD successfully but the GAD is harder to shift for me. Much of that is fear of symptoms or similar feelings of other bodily sensations and it's been a long journey with this one, some successes but so much still to sort out...