Little down

[bobsy]

Hi there all

I have not been on nmp for a while but at the moment im a little bit down as its a year since i found out again that i had cancer and a bloke i know who had stomach cancer at the same time as me died the other day and i am devastated and it brings cancer more to the front of my mind.

I know you cant plan the future but you can make plans but i am finding this very hard.

I feel things are getting on top of me.

Im seeing a cancer psychologist to help me move on with my life. I just cant seem to move on.

I feel really upset just writing this and worry people will be sick of me going on about cancer and anxiety

With the therapist we also talk about my anxiety together with the cancer.

She asks how i feel about being in situations and when i met her yesterday she said the word trapped keeps cropping up. i Feel trapped in situations i dont think i can get out of and trapped in the past. She said she thinks im trapped with my emotions as i tend to keep them to myself all the time and try to protect everybody. I need to let them all out. She is also setting up a plan for me to work on getting out and about more on my own.

She metioned that i cant be responsible for other peoples emotions if they get upset if i tell them how im feeling. i worry if i tell my family and friends how i really feel it will upset them and then its my fault that they are like that - if you know what i mean.

I just dont seem to be improving with my anxiety and im so wanting to.

Just come back from my hols and i had three panics whilst i was there and i hate them but i no to move on you have to go through them. the trouble is im so scared of them that i darent try to move out of my safety zone. any advise would be appreciated.

Sorry for going on but im struggling

love

bobsy

[anxious]

Hi there bobsy,

so sorry to hear about your friend You really have a lot to deal with don't you. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, she sounds like she talks a lot of sense. You really do need to talk about this, people are frightended about this sort of situation and don't always have the right words, but those who care about you will listen i am sure.
I don't know much about coping with safety zones etc as its different for me (i have health anx) but i know there are lots of others on here who do.
Never be afraid to come on here to ask for help or a listening ear,


anx xx

[trac67]

Bobsy,

Aww mate sorry to hear you are feeling down at the minute

Firstly no-one is sick of you going on about cancer, you have been throught hell and back the past year and I for one am so proud of how you have dealt with it all and how you have come out the other side still the same lovable person you were before.

Secondly you went on holiday and had 3 panic attacks ??? Mate at least you went, something a lot of us can't even bring our selves to do yet, and if that isn't moving away from your comfort zone then I really don't know what is

Just take things a day at a time and venture a little bit further from home every few weeks, and if the panic comes, you know it wont hurt you, and as I have found if you have an attack somewhere, then go back to that place another day and keep going back until the panic realises that its not going to stop you from doing what you want to do.

You are a big inspiration to a lot of people Bobs and dont ever forget that, and I am proud to have you as one of my friends.

Love ya loads

Trac xxxx

[clickaway]

Hi Bobsy,

Lovely to hear from you again.

I'm sorry about your friend and to hear that you are feeling down.

You know you are always welcome to come and talk here - no problem. Also well done on your holiday, and as Trac said that was an achievement in itself.

Warm hugs

Ray

[Piglet]

Hi ya hun,

Welcome back from your hols again! The way you were feeling before you went meant you were doubly brave to go - like Trac says alot of us don't feel able to make that step yet, so do be massively proud of yourself!!!

I always think you are hard on yourself lovie and only to seem to see your failings rather than all your strengths. Although it is a great quality to think of other peoples feelings, perhaps in this case you may like to think about not taking responsiblity for the feelings of others so literally hun. The therapist is spot on about that - you can't take responsibility for the way others react to what you tell them.

Obviously we don't all go round telling people things we know are going to deliberately freak them out but telling people how you feel in a responsible manner is a normal part of life.

As regards the cancer thing hun - you have been very brave to tackle an illness that scares us all. I for one though want to try and break through that fear factor about the word cancer. Cancer is the same as lots of other diseases and illnesses that are equally potentially life threatening, so it's a shame that the very word evokes such a reaction, much more so than for other conditions. I know plenty of people who have had this illness and most of them have recovered!!!!

You are Bobsy the person and are not defined by the fact you have had cancer. That was an illness that you can now leave behind.

Be very proud of your strengths and every night say to yourself good things that you have managed that day and stop beating yourself up about the stuff you haven't.

Like Trac says again - I am proud to have you as a friend!

Lots of love from Piglet

[mirry]

Bobsy, OMG !!!!
today I was sitting in a music shop waiting for my son and I suddenly thought of you , I thought "I wonder how bobsy is ?" cos I havent heard from you in ages. So I come on here and read your post ,HOW STRANGE.

Im sorry to read about your friend passing away, this is bound to upset you in many ways, 1 : cos he was your friend and 2 : cos it makes you feel vunerable. But lots of people do survive CANCER and you are one of them,
you are here today talking about your experiances that none of us can completely comprehend, you have faced your worst fears and come out the other side, you are a fighter and no matter how many anxiety or panic attacks you have, you know they wont hurt you and their will be calm after the storm .
Bobsy , today I too had an awful panic attack at the school, It is bloody difficult to live with isnt it, but it passes, we cant hold onto it, for what good what that do us ?

Do you do any meditation ? or mindfulness ? Its very good for helping the racing thoughts. And remember you can come here any time and have a good moan about cancer / anxiety ect

[bobsy]

Thanks for all your replies. You have me in tears here saying all those nice things.

With regard to the cancer I really want to talk to certain people about my fears and anxieties but because i think i'm a pain i dont say what i think but I need to talk to the people involved to get the emotions out of my system and this i am working on.

With regard to the anxiety Im just sick of the fear of fear. I believe my anxiety is caused due to the sudden deaths of my dad, grandad and grandma within 16 months of each other in 1986 and 87. This i dont think i've ever got over as i never spoke about it. My dad died on his way home from work from a heart attack and he was on his own driving home as he felt unwell, my gran died of a heart attack and my grandad died of stomach cancer.

I'm also sick of not doing things "just in case" i panic. i mean when we were abroad last week we went to a theme park and i did not dare go on rides as i felt trapped as i was scared in case i panicked and i could not get off. i was not scared of the rides just scared of the what if i panic. We were also supposed to go to barcelona for the day but the day before i had a massive panic and i could not face going. i felt like id let myself down as i wanted to go. my son had to go with his gran and grandad and myself and my partner stayed round the pool

I don't no if it's because i need to be near people as i think either they are gonna die suddenly and i will be left on my own or i am gonna die suddenly. I always seems to be safer near people but thereagain i hate being near loads of people as i feel trapped - so i dont really understand myself.

Therapist said i have to stay with doing the walk home from work for now until i can do it without any anxiety before i move on to the next goal.

Thanks for your support

lots of love

bobsy x x x

[honeybee3939]

Hiya Bobsy

How lovely to hear from you So sorry to hear you are feeling down, but i know your a strong one hun and will soon be back on your feet again . I think you have done so well and i for one am very proud of you hun !! You are a inspiration to us all!

We never did get around to meeting up did we Bobsy for a natter,Do you fancy a meet up? maybe we could get some others to come along too. i could always start a new thread in the meet-up section. Would give us both something to focus on wouldnt it hun, let me know if you fancy it.

Hugs to you my friend

Love

Andrea
xxxxx

[Piglet]

Therapist said i have to stay with doing the walk home from work for now until i can do it without any anxiety before i move on to the next goal
bobsy x x x

Bobs mate that is really good advice - you always seem to feel you could be doing more all the time, which is what I mean about being hard on yourself. Try and be as kind to yourself as you are to us lot when we struggle.

You're not in competition with anyone, anything, or with yourself my lovely - so relax the demands you make upon yourself.

It's the journey that we could be focussing on and enjoying, not the destination, as the saying goes.

Night night hun.

Love Piglet

[bobsy]

Thanks again trac, pig, anx, mirry and andi for your kind words.

I find it hard and emotional when people say nice things about me as i dont believe people actually like me. I also worry that people talk about me behind my back - like they used to at school or work.

All what you have said are right i do always focus on the bad and not the good and when i actually sit back and look at what ive been through and what ive done this year it is a lot. it just does not seem it as i want to be normal and do normal run of the mill stuff like most people. Although i do understand that other people have different sorts of problems in their life.

Its just with having the cancer twice now i really want to much to get rid of the anxiety and do so much with my life. Ive had this anxiety for 20 years now and its all ive really known how to react to things. Anxiety is a very bad way of life for me and i dont know how to sort it at the moment.

As i said above its the fear of fear and what ifs and dont do it just in case that i want to get rid of. How do i stop thinking all these things before i do stuff. its not that i dont want to do stuff its just that i bloody well darent as all these words come in to my mind to protect me from somethings that i think may happen to me - hope i am making sense.!!

I am really tired of being like this as there is certainly more to life than just existing which is what i seem to be doing at the moment.

Any advice again on the fear of fear, what ifs and dont do it just in case would be most welcomed.

Again thanks for listening take care my mates and would like to say how proud i am of you all just lately on you all getting out and about more A BIG WELL DONE TO YOU KEEP AT IT.

love

bobs