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Thread: Too many directions

  1. #1
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    Too many directions

    I'm struggling right now. My 88 year old Dad has developed problems with his hip and the doctor arranged an x-ray which has revealed osteoarthritis. this has resulted in him losing some mobility and I've had to do shopping for him. Now Mrs F is bleeding due to her crohns disease and the car has been cutting out. This last issue has been offset with a spray for the EGR valve, however last time the fix only last about 2 and a half months.

    I'm trying to run a household here, nearly 19 year old daughter does nothing to help around the house and Mrs F can't. My brother will just have to step in regarding my Dad otherwise I can see myself going under. Sorry guys I don't normally open up on these boards and can usually see the positives.
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    'It was a wedding ring, destined to be found in a cheap hotel, lost in a kitchen sink, or thrown in a wishing well' - Marillion, Clutching at Straws, 1987

  2. #2
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    Jan 2013
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    Re: Too many directions

    Fishman i know how you feel buddy!!!

    You've got a lot on. Your Brother will have to step up to the plate, you've got enough to deal with looking after Mrs F. I'm not great with words but your daughters 19, she needs to help or at least not another person you're looking after. She must understand at 19 that you can't be doing it all?

    Take Care

  3. #3
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    Mar 2014
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    Re: Too many directions

    It can feel like everything is on your shoulders pushing you under when you look at the sum of all the things you have to do. And the feeling of having to do them, that there is no choice, is bad for anxiety which is why they teach us to change "should" to "could" to imply choice. Sadly, the real world can often collide with what we "could" do though and those who are acting in caring roles like yourself have a tough time.

    Is it possible to break it all down into smaller tasks that you feel you can cope better with? And I think as Matt says you have an adult daughter now and whilst she may be used to mum & dad doing anything it wouldn't be a bad thing if she started pitching in anyway so she appreciates more of what you are going though. That will likely see her stepping up again more easily going forward?

    So, can some tasks be shared out to ease your load? Would you feel comfortable delegating as many who are like carers feel they have to do everything or they are letting people down? (when I bet they aren't).

    And why shouldn't you reach out on here? It's what it's for and people will want to help because they can. You help others, others want to pay you back for that. Again, it makes me think the person posting may feel the need to do it all on their own, a sign of a good person in my book, but it can be a bit much with mental health to contend with and there is no shame in asking for support.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Too many directions

    I think you just have to ask your brother to help out with your Dad's shopping so that you can get this worry out of your head. Make it one less thing that you have to do? Speak to him today and tell him that he's going to have to step up to the mark? If you don't talk to him soon you are just going to worry about it and work out some way that you can do your Dad's shopping yourself along with everything else..

    Your daughter probably won't be of much help but you can try and have a few words with her...she may surprise you?

    Concentrate on Mrs F though..Everything else can wait. The dust will still accumulate so don't stress about the housework.

    I know how difficult it is when everything gets too much. You must keep posting on here so we can try to support you.

  5. #5
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    Re: Too many directions

    Sounds like it's all piling up on you mate , I know the feeling one more straw will break the donkeys back ,my daughter is pretty much the same we do everything for her then when we ask a small favour we get excuses partly my partners fault for doing everything for them because of her own upbringing .
    It's not easy but you need to break it down and talkle one problem at a time .
    The egr vavle probably needs taking off and cleaning out they get clogged up with soot and oil most cars it's not a huge job , I took mine off and threw it away and blanked the hole off .
    You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed it seems the way lots of people are feeling these days , hang in there chap .
    Take care

  6. #6
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    Re: Too many directions

    Just wondered whether your brother could set up an online shop and delivery for your dad if he says he has no time to go round the shops in person? There's so much more help out there now for people who have difficulties getting shopping.

    Best wishes to Mrs F and please look after your own health, Fishman. If you get ill everything grinds to a halt (I know this probably doesn't help but it's true)

  7. #7
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    Re: Too many directions

    I can feel myself welling up reading these wonderful responses, you guys really are something else. But then it takes a fellow sufferer to fully empathise and you all know exactly how it feels.

    You are all right of course, I do need to break this down into smaller parts. Last night was bad and I have this tendency to bury my head when things mount up. But that doesn't solve the situation, it just postpones the reality. I do know my brother would step in, but I'm so often my own worst enemy in delegating myself because I see 'backing out' as failing. I think 'why am I letting someone else take over?'

    One major factor is using Mrs F as a prop when I'm struggling. But when she herself is ill, she changes from a prop into an anxiety source.

    OK enough dwelling on what might happen. Buster you're right about the car, and it hasn't cut out at all today so that's one factor dealt with. And today my Dad managed to drive over here for a visit, then Mrs F and myself went to my son's. OK anxiety was present, moderate at worst but not as bad as last night was suggesting.

    Oh yes Pulisa, my sister and myself suggested a cleaner for my Dad, plus a milkman which would make sure he has the essentials and so taking a little pressure off myself as I know he's not going to starve. However, he didn't seem keen but maybe we will have to insist. As for my daughter, well she knows all about my anxiety but has a new BF which is distracting her somewhat. And since turning 18 last April she has become aloof and distant. I think perhaps the answer is to break my leg, that would ensure a license to back off from everything and get sympathy thrown in for good measure.

    Anyway once again Matt, Terry, Buster and Pulisa...thank you. Your support means a great deal to me.
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    'It was a wedding ring, destined to be found in a cheap hotel, lost in a kitchen sink, or thrown in a wishing well' - Marillion, Clutching at Straws, 1987

  8. #8
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    Re: Too many directions

    Even if you broke your leg I bet you'd be hopping around on crutches trying to get things done!!

    I think getting a cleaner is a good idea but I know how resistant older people can be to the idea of outside help. You could say it would be a temporary thing and then if things went well and your dad found it really helpful it could be carried on? We have a milkman and they deliver all sorts of stuff apart from just milk.

    Your daughter is probably a lost cause in terms of help but she may notice if her washing isn't done..Or if her meal isn't cooked for her...and the penny may drop eventually! Do you still have to drive her everywhere or has the new BF taken over here?

  9. #9
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    May 2014
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    Re: Too many directions

    Sorry to hear this Fishman.
    This sort of thing happens to the best of us and normally in droves!

    Can I suggest you ask your daughter to help with your dad? If your brother can't help.
    As Pulisa has already said, you may be surprised with her response.

    Your priority is your health here, otherwise you are no good to anyone.

    I set up a food delivery for my mum and dad online for the weekly necessities', so I didn't have to worry about them running out of anything. I also got the pharmacist to deliver the meds, but a note; 'Boots' won't do this.

    I would also suggest that when Mrs F feels a bit better, for you both to get out and get some fresh air and relax. Even if it is the garden; make a date of it.
    Me and Mr C often just sit on a bench and listen to the birds and watch the nature at work. You need some de-stressing. x

  10. #10
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    Re: Too many directions

    Pulisa - yes I probably would be, you know me too well!! I phoned my Dad just now and he's managed to get to the newsagent. I said I'd go over tomorrow morning and see what he needs, if Mrs F is better she might come too.

    My sister is coming up on Thursday, she lives 80 miles away but obviously at that distance she can't get up that often, the last time was 22nd March. But we need to discuss a milkman, cleaner and pharmacy delivery service. Yes milkmen deliver all sorts of goods and they're making a comeback with the backlash against plastic.

    Carnation - I do have the garden as my safety valve. I have a greenhouse and love growing plants from seed. In fact I'd recommend gardening as therapy, plants make very few demands and I get immense satisfaction from watching seeds germinate and the plants mature. The beauty is that you don't need acres of land, a couple of tubs is enough. And when anxiety strikes you know that plants won't be asking to be fed, ok well watered maybe but you get the idea. We have two dogs as well, a black lab and border terrier. I just love coming home, not just because its my safe zone but the greeting I get from those two.

    Hugs to you both
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    'It was a wedding ring, destined to be found in a cheap hotel, lost in a kitchen sink, or thrown in a wishing well' - Marillion, Clutching at Straws, 1987

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