Too many directions

[AntsyVee]

I think when she's not around it subconsciously triggers the feeling of, "This is what it would be like if something were to happen to her..." and obviously that's what most of us are truly worried about: our own mortality or the mortality of those we love.

[pulisa]

Yes indeed..The horrible "What if" scenario...

I hope Mrs F has been more comfortable today..

[fishman65]

Hi and many thanks to you both. Not rubbish at all Pulisa and a very good point Vee. I think ultimately it has to be the fear of losing a loved one and Mrs F is central to that, as in a 'central loved one' in so far as myself using her as a crutch when my anxiety is active. But having typed that out, do I really use her in that fashion?

She has been better today. The problem has come about since the arrival of Covid. Mrs F was well aware that compromised immunity would likely cause big problems if she caught the virus, and her immune system is reduced by olsalazine in order to manage the crohns. The default treatment for a crohns flare is steroids, usually prednisolone. So a balancing act.

[pulisa]

But you do everything for her so why would you think that you use her as a crutch?

CV must have made that balancing act appear more fragile and I can well understand your anxiety as to potential problems but she's been able to self-isolate successfully (thanks to you) and now you have a blip but it may be just a question of getting some steroids for home use which will settle things down again?

[Carnation]

Fishman, you do so well coping, but when there's no more charge in the batteries, the anxiety jumps in.
I know it's difficult with all your duties, which I know you don't begrudge, but a little time to yourself will benefit you.
I also don't see why Mrs F needs to go into hospital and I'm sure most hospitals will avoid doing that under the current circumstances.
I know it's difficult, but try not to worry. x

[AntsyVee]

Hi and many thanks to you both. Not rubbish at all Pulisa and a very good point Vee. I think ultimately it has to be the fear of losing a loved one and Mrs F is central to that, as in a 'central loved one' in so far as myself using her as a crutch when my anxiety is active. But having typed that out, do I really use her in that fashion?

She has been better today. The problem has come about since the arrival of Covid. Mrs F was well aware that compromised immunity would likely cause big problems if she caught the virus, and her immune system is reduced by olsalazine in order to manage the crohns. The default treatment for a crohns flare is steroids, usually prednisolone. So a balancing act.

When you say using her as a "crutch" do you mean you feel that she shouldn't be a cause of your anxiety? I think it's normal to have anxiety about a loved one if they have a medical condition. Or do you mean you feel codependent on her? Cause that's an entirely different situation I think.

I relate to you a lot. Two of my immediate family members have autoimmune conditions, one of them being Crohns/ulcerative colitis. I worry about them. It's one of the reasons I've pretty much given up my social life, wear a mask when I go shopping, and stay home when I can. We've already had one COVID death in the family; I don't want to have another.

[fishman65]

Pulisa, Carnation and Vee...many thanks for your time and very kind support not to mention analysis and suggestions. Carnation, yes its highly unlikely she would be admitted anyway in the circumstances. I went on to our hospital's website and they have a no-visitor policy in place unless its 'end of life', birthing partner or paediatric. So my role would be taxi driver.

OK just thinking back to May of 2014 and Mrs F had a day case for her gall bladder removal. I dropped her off at 7am then phoned the ward at lunchtime. They said she would be kept in overnight and I remember going from zero anxiety to full panic. She's not been admitted since then so I've not been able to exorcise that. And yet just a couple of months later my daughter who was then 15 was admitted for a nasal polyp removal, a definite overnight that time. And yet I was ok, some mild to moderate anxiety but manageable. Ditto this March with my Dad and he was in for 25 days!!

Vee I think you've hit on the problem when suggesting co-dependency. Mrs F is the family member who I can tell everything, others I play down my anxiety/try to appear normal. This is how it was growing up in my family, don't talk about problems, don't show weakness, don't let anyone see you're struggling. How ironic when my Grandfather spent huge chunks of his life in psychiatric hospital due to shell shock from WW1. Or perhaps not ironic, more explanatory?

And yes its true that I do everything at home. Housework, shopping, gardening, bill paying etc etc

[AntsyVee]

Okay, so you're co-dependent on your wife. But there's good codependency, or I guess it would be called interconnection, and unhealthy codependency.

Good: Spouses are interconnected. They've divided tasks amenably, taking the tasks they prefer and dividing up the ones they don't like. They are friends and part of each other's support, but they have friends and lives independent of each other. They are lovers; they do not seek sexual gratification outside of the marriage.

Unhealthy: One spouse provides; the other takes. The life of the house revolves around one spouse due to their alcoholism/drug use, health/medical conditions, narcissism or other factors. The other spouse is there to take care of the "main spouse" and clean up all of their mistakes or keep them in line. The "other spouse" has little to no life independent of taking care of the "main spouse" because their issues take up all of their time.

Which is yours?

[Carnation]

Fishman, I'm like this with my o/h, I see him as my mental rock and because we are together all the time he knows my situation inside out and back to front.
My anxiety also kicks in when he becomes ill, although I step up to look after him, my fear steps up to and so do the 'what Ifs'. I think it's only natural to feel this way with or without anxiety. x

[fishman65]

Carnation, yes that's very true and I was nodding in agreement, ditto just about everything you said.

Vee, some very good questions there and some aspects I'm reluctant to answer. Not because you shouldn't be asking by any means, more that some points may be uncomfortable truths. Some of the good codependency exists but so does the unhealthy. PM me for details.

This morning was really bad on the anxiety front but at least I rallied this afternoon.