Hi all,
We arrived home today after spending the week at CP. As you know, I was worried about going on the motorway. The first leg, the 3hrs to Scotch Corner I was actually doing really well. I could not believe how ok I felt. WE stopped for 45mins & had a bite to eat. Then we had the last hour & half to Sherwood. Well, that is when it hit me!!! The panic came at me, and all the usual feelings flooded in at me. AT one point I really thought that I was going to lose it this time. However, I stayed calm. However, the feeling never really left me until Thursday. When we did arrive I really thought, I can't do this, I have to get home now. I tried so hard to stay calm. When we got into the villa at 3 and we had unpacked, the waves of panic really hit me again. I felt like I was going to go crazy if I did not leave right there and then. We got ready to go to the swimming pool. Now you know I was worried about the flumes and my state of mind at that moment made me panic even more about that. So we arrived at the pool, & straight away the family wanted to go on the new ride (for us) the Grand Cascade. For those who have not been it is a big tube for 4 people to go down. We had to climb loads of stairs, which I hate. I tried again to stay calm, but I really thought I was not going to make it. So, I kept repeating that saying of Susan Jeffers, "Feel the fear, but do it anyway". I kept saying it over & over. We were in the line for about 15mins & I was a nervous wreck. However, I did go on it. I followed Darkangels advice to just pretend I was loving it & scream. As soon as we got to the bottom I said let's go again!!!! However, it shuts at 7, so we could not go on again. However, over the week I went on it 11x!!!! I started to really relax then. However, later, the panic came back again. I was like that on & off til the Thursday. I kept writing down, what I was feeling, & I really tried to figure out just what my fear really, really is. I started to realise that I am a "What Iffer". I kept scaring myself with what ifs. What if one of us falls of our bikes & has to go to hospital. What if we take ill & have to call for help. What if my DH takes ill & "Oh my God, I have to drive home?" Then I really started to panic!!!!. I could go on & on. Then I said to myself, what are the chances of these things happening? And if they do, well, you can deal with it. Then I started to panic because I thought, no, I can't deal with it. Bingo, another reason I panic, because I believe that no matter what, I am not capable of dealing with things. Anyway, without going on & on, the holiday certainly made me look at things in a new light. On the Wednesday night, I suddenly had this thought, when I was feeling that the panic was going to eat me up & that I was going to completely loose it, I realised that, well..... I never did loose it, I just was an uptight wreck, but I was still sane, still there. So I realised, with such clarity, that my worst anxiety, or panic was really a big fat lie!!! That even when I really think I am going to lose it, I never did, & it always went away, albeit only for a little while. So, after that I barely had any anxiety. Even today, driving back, the anxiety was there a little, but it was not nearly as bad as last monday. Anyway, I survived, but I am still glad to be home.
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Well I know I could but the same as you things stop me. You beat it. My family have gone on hols and Im here with my step Brother not a good prospect very nervous but know I can do it (sleep) Ive done it once before and I can do it again!! Thats the oposite to what ive been saying today. But typing and reading helps. 
