I am so unhappy

[hopeful1]

My partner of 10 years wants me to sell up and move to another country, my grown up children are very much against it. Partner has a small property in the other country and wants me to buy another one so we can live in it and he can rent out his to live off the income... if he gets someone to rent it. Otherwise we will be living off my pension. I don't want to leave my Grandchildren so I said no. He says I have ruined his dreams and now ignores me unless I agree to go with him. I do love him but now realise he is not being fair and frankly acting like a spoilt child. If I agree I keep the relationship with him but lose the children and vice versa. Just to add to that my anxiety is bubbling under the surface so I feel ... in a word ... crap.

[SarahNah]

It's always difficult, having to make a choice where you feel like you loss out on either side no what way you pick. At the end of the day, I think you'll feel bad about which ever one you pick. Leaving you family? You'll miss them. Your partner levels without you? You'll be sad. Either way you'll be sad I know that doesn't offer a lot of comfort but at the end of the day. You've gotta pick what you think will really make you happy in the long run!

[Scass]

I’m sorry you’re so unhappy. That sounds like a really tough decision.
Like the other poster said, you need to make a decision for yourself! Do what makes you happy. Make a simple list of pros and cons xx


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[Bigboyuk]

HI It's a extremely difficult decision for any one to make and seems like a bit of emotional blackmail on his part, you don't go along with his ideas he will ignore you very daft on his part. You both need to sit down and talk about it like adults. One good thing your grown up children ARE against it so talk to them as well, don't rush in to this either. Let us know how you get on please and good luck ATB

[Catherine S]

Is this the first time you've heard about his dreams, or is this something you've both talked about over the 10 years you've been together? If this has been just sprung on you recently then you need more time to decide whether to go or to stay. But if you've always known about his wishes to move away, have you agreed to it in the past and now changed your mind? That would perhaps explain his behaviour, but at the end of the day it's your life and as others have said, you have to take the time to make your decision.

I met my husband in 2006 and moved to Germany to live with him in 2007. My children had all left home and I had 2 grandchildren under 10 at that time. I was really homesick and flew back often to see them. We came back to UK 2010 but my husband was made redundant at the end of 2012 so back to Germany we went for his new job. We returned last year as we are now both retired and are living in Wales near to my elderly mum.

I'm happy to be back permenantly, but my husband's family live in Germany as does his one yr old grandson. So there's no simple answer, unless we end tge marriage and he returns to his family while I stay here with mine. It's caused alot of stress and resentment and heartache over the years so I can relate to your stress at the moment.

What helped me to cope was that my children were fine about me living in Germany but it was my own feelings of being away from them that stressed me the most. I'm not sure how it would've worked out if they hadn't wanted me to leave.

I hope you can get it all sorted out in a way that keeps you all happy. Good luck.

Best wishes
Cath ☺ x

[hopeful1]

Thank you for your comments. I have come to the conclusion that I am better off staying put. If other half can make me feel so bad now, what would happen when we are on our own abroad. Alarm bells have been ringing in my head for a while. I have wondered if he is with me for what he can get financially, we are not married... he was my lodger but now a relationship. By me selling up and moving he will be dependent on me for income unless he can get people to rent his place.... and with the vast amount of rentals in the area I think competition is very high. He doesn't have any other income. He promises to change I.e. he will learn to cook, clean, get fit and stop his verbal tirade of swearing and telling me I am mental because of my anxiety... all of which I am fed up with. I have told him this and he turns charming and loving but tbh it is wearing a bit thin. Not sure if i actually want to carry on this way. This issue has highlighted many problems between us. I want to be with someone who doesn't embarrass me and supports me... he tells me I am a snob. Maybe, but we all have standards. Still feeling sad but at least by sharing on here it I can see what my problems are. Just need to decide what to do next. I know my family come first though.

[WiseMonkey]

Hi, you have really answered your own question and I think you are definitely doing the right thing. If you suspect he may be with you for what he can get financially then you are probably correct.

It sounds that he is verbally and emotionally abusive, with his swearing and name calling and selfish ways. Notice how this has increased as you have held your ground and not given in to his wishes. You are right there are lots of red flags with his behaviour and the relationship.

You need a mature caring, sharing partner who supports you and shows you respect and real love. Don't settle for anything less. Take care x

ps. The right one won't appear while you're holding onto the wrong one.

[Carys]

Congratulation hopeful1, it sounds like you've made a strong decision about your future - and from what you've written here I think you are entirely correct in your choice.

When I read your first post, my 'alarm bells' were ringing also; I thought, a true loving partner doesn't force someone into this type of choice, and pressure them and make them feel awful in this way (psychological bullying). An equal relationship is about compromise and both sides wanting to support the other. It sounds to me like once you were over there, away from the loving support of your children and removed from your grandchildren and extended family, that things could become much more difficult for you.

WiseMonkey (who IS wise) has given some really sound advice above me! If he embarrases you and makes you feel humiliated, small and treats you as you state here - making fun of your anxiety, chastising you and trying to control you - then get the hell out.