Hello all
I was a member of this forum a few years ago when I struggled with feelings of depersonalisation and derealisation. If you're really curious, I suppose you could trawl through some of my older posts. I don't necessarily recommend it, for reasons I'll try and spell out below. When I was a member, it was easy to get bogged down with scary tales and shared anxieties. There were very few 'success' stories with regards to DPDR, which added to its scariness.
SO I thought I'd pop back and share a success story, and offer some hope to those who may be struggling. I wish I knew then what I know now.
THE SHORT STORY IS: it gets better.
The story
In summer 2015, I smoked what was probably Spice or some other research chemical, thinking it was marijuana. This immediately made me hallucinate and afterwards I spent some weeks/months in a strange and altered state. It's quite hard to tell for 'low long I suffered DPDR' because of its self-spiralling nature (more on that below) but it was for a long period.
And it was a horrible period. They were perhaps some of the most miserable months of my life, and looking back, it's easy to see why. Not only was I experiencing the deeply unpleasant feelings of disorientation and derealisation, but they came with constant thoughts: firstly, strange thoughts about reality, the state of things, existence, non-existence, etc. Secondly, the recurring thought that: this was permanent, my brain is broken, life will never be the same. It was the LATTER which provided the most anguish, and the latter which, looking back, kept the DPDR going.
Anxiety and dwelling
You'll all no doubt see a load of posts on here trying to reassure you that depersonalisation is an anxiety symptom. And I'm here to try and convince you that it's true. This, I realise, is something of an impossible task: depersonalisation doesn't FEEL like an anxiety symptom. You don't FEEL nervous or anxious (except maybe about the DPDR). You're convinced this is something more, something extra. For me, I felt INCURABLE. A pill could cure my anxiety, but nothing could cure depersonalisation. This, truly, was terrifying (after some therapy, years on, THIS is the thing which makes me shudder the most - not the hallucinations following smoking the chemicals, not the anxiety, but the feeling of being 'stuck' in that weird space forever.)
But you are NOT stuck in that space forever. For me, my own progression probably went something like this: Initial event (for a lot of people it's a built up of stress rather than a single anxiety-provoking event like mine, but you can substitute this) -> LOADS of anxiety, with derealisation resulting -> residual anxiety makes me worry about the DR -> the DR continues because of persistent anxiety, long after any anxiety over the initial event or whatever is there. What I failed to realise is that anxiety is such a powerful thing - it's not nervousness, it's something which seriously knocks the brain for six. It's a registered medical condition, and needs to be taken seriously. It's perfectly RECOVERABLE (indeed, we're DESIGNED to recover from it) but give it some respect. Anxiety is traumatic. Often the things that cause it are traumatic. Certainly traumatic enough to cause DPDR even if you don't feel like it has.
Like with anything serious, you need to take recovery seriously. You need to LET yourself get better. This might mean exploring options - medication, acceptance, therapy, lifestyle changes - whatever might work for you. It also won't be overnight. Anxiety can take a toll. But I honestly believe that DPDR does not stay for the years and years people say UNLESS that person continues to focus and fear it. I didn't care about shaking, depression, vomiting, sweats - I ONLY focuses on the DPDR. And so it STAYED.
Recovery
For me, what made a difference was taking a leap of faith - BELIEVING doctors when they said this would get better, LETTING myself feel anxious, UNDERSTANDING that the brain and body was recovering, an ACCEPTING the discomfort. KNOWING that it would get better. THIS, I believe, was key. Day by day, I realise I'd stopped worrying about death and non-existence and the weirdness and surrealness quite so much. Sometimes I'd go a day, two days. Then I realised I would go a week without a big panic, or that, when the thoughts came, they weren't as terrifying. The world wouldn't feel alien. I was not looking for it. I was just trying to let it be.
Now I can say that only very very VERY rarely do thoughts about the world feeling unreal, etc, seem to come. And when they do, they go straightaway. My brain is probably still a little bit nervous about those things; after all, it spent over a year scanning for those thoughts and being TERRIFIED of them. So every now and again it pricks up. it goes away very quickly. There are an occasional slip into worries - usually some focus on death or non-existence, but these are increasingly rare and usually once I accept the thoughts are spurred by anxiety and the way to get rid of thm is to hold them of no importance, they disappear remarkably quickly. There isn't an easy, quick fix. It involves SLOW recovery and being okay with that, sometimes. We all want to wake up without this feeling. It seems impossible not to focus on it. But I truly believe that the first step is to treat DPDR as what is truly is: a symptom of something. And that 'something' (for me, anxiety, but perhaps for others depression trauma, or other things) IS CURABLE, AND THAT GETS BETTER.
Take-away points
If I had any advice to give myself in 2015, it would be this, although some of these things seem impossible. In bad stages of DPDR, some probably ARE impossible. Don't beat yourself up, just try to do the following:
- Accept that this is a symptom of anxiety. DPDR is very scary, but there are lots of very effective treatments for anxiety. As the anxiety improves, so will the DPDR. This seems so unlikely to you now, but take a leap of faith.
- Do what YOU need to do to tackle the ANXIETY, not just the DPDR. Often the anxiety will focus on the DPDR. Often, KNOWLEDGE that the DPDR is nothing more than a symptom helped me focus away from it.
- Seek help in those who are willing. We're not all blessed with family and friends; hopefully, most will have some access to medical professionals. Medication is a possibility.
- Don't satiate your anxiety by reading horror stories. This forum, for me, was a crutch for my anxiety. I'd either read 'success stories' or 'horror stories'. I don't know why - it was like a compulsion to get re-assurance because I didn't believe I could get better. Slowly aiming towards this self-assurance is better than trailing this forum for 5 hours a day. I found it unhealthy. Consider a break.
- THIS. WILL. GET. BETTER.
I wish you all the best of luck. i can't promise I'll be around this site much longer. DPDR is scary, but it's recoverable. it's not a fiendish plot of its own. It's a symptom, and a terrifying one, but IT GETS BETTER.
Floods
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