Hey everyone ☹️❤️
I am posting a message because I really have a hard time keeping my chin up in all this miserie. I don’t know where my head stands anymore, and I feel so exhausted. Is there something wrong? Or is it all something I create. I don’t know anything anymore, besides that I am just tired of living like this.
Since 1,5 years I am dealing with so many issues, and one of them is fixations on my body, and for a while now it’s fixation on my hair. I don’t know how it started, or better said why. Did I get focused on it or was there something which made me focus I don’t know.
I just became one day really aware of the fact I was losing hair. Since then I’ve started to count each hair and keep the numbers together on phone. Every time I need to wash it’s just such a stressful thing to do and it takes me hours. To wash, to dry, to comb, to count and then divide by the amount of days to have my average number. If I don’t have it, I just freak out, well if it’s over 100.
I can brush really long, since I take my time to comb each strand gently and because of the knots. Also because I want to stop unless it feels safe for me and I can let it go... Then just an hour or few hours later there are still coming many hairs of that makes me paranoid.
Now, I just have the feeling again there comes more hair off when I go trough it and then I take my brush because I want to see how much there actually comes off ( cause I want to control it ) I want to control the fact I am not losing too much because my hair means a lot to me. This is something “new” , cause now and then I did brush quick between, but lately I do it more. ( brushing between )
Today, I was outside and saw a hair hanging and I got paranoid and went trough it and yes had again 20 hairs and needed to wash it to see if there didn’t come much from and I just had again a number higher then 100 ( It was almost 2 days ago I’ve washed ).
• I can’t relax cause I am so aware of the fact that I think I am losing my hair, like I can’t deal with it.
• I am just worried why my average is the last months higher. Do I do this to myself or any other reasons...
• Whenever I comb, there is more hair in the brush and also if I compare pictures of my hair together last year, it looks less then what I have now. ( hair hasn’t been cut since then either )
• I read everywhere you can lose about 100 strands a day and that’s where I base my average on. Is this realistic?
I’ve went to dermatologist 2 years ago and she said hair structure is normal. And in mean time I really stalked her a lot on the phone cause I am always so paranoid and can’t get to her by myself because I can’t go outside due severe dissociation. 😖
She just doesn’t really go deeper into my answers, and just says the same always.
Yesterday my friend went to her and she kinda “ refused “ him by saying can’t do anything for her.
So I don’t have answers on my questions and that drives me even more anxious, sigh.
My therapist is now for2 weeks on holiday and he also doesn’t really go really really deep into it cause in his point of view it’s feeding anxiety but it’s like I need answers to move on 😞
Sorry for long text, I am so lost.
I’ve also read that there is a problem if you shed more, and since I compare always with last year my average I just get in overdrive.
Muchlove,
Kelly
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