Righting wrongs and apologizing for past behaviours

[sadtimes]

I think I posted about this once but I'm not sure but basically around 2 years ago I had this group of friends who I hadn't known for long but I considered them friends.
One night I managed to hurt a lot of them all at once on the same night (I was being an absolute pyscho back then)
It's been two years, I've changed a lot and the majority of the people in the group have forgiven me, moved on and a couple of them I'm best friends with but two of them hate my guts to this day.
At the time, I apologised to the group directly and thought it would be enough because I can't force people to forgive me but ever since I have always regretted not apologising directly to one of them and it's lingered on my mind for all this time and I feel like I can't quite get over what I did and find that closure unless I send her an apology message. I haven't spoken to her in two years and quite frankly she's probably not given me much of a thought, so part of me knows that it's totally pointless to send the message but I just don't feel like I can quite get over what happened until I do.

Is that something that I should do? I dunno how to let go of this after all this time.

[Homer47]

There’s times i cringe at the stuff i did yrs back especially with me being a little bugger drinking with older lads around the pubs trying be something i wasn’t, can’t change the past but you can change from that person. Which sounds like you have. You can’t keep apologising all the time if that certain person hates you then that’s up to her. Just best to move on from the past easy said than done but you have to. ��

[Carys]

This is a hard question. I guess it depends on what you want to gain from this apology; personal closure is acceptable as a reason providing you end it there if the person wants nothing more to do with you anyway. If you just want to make sure she knows that you regret what you did, and leave it at that, then I can't personally see the harm in you making a written apology. If you were going to do it though, don't expect to hear anything back, don't expect a friendship to be regained, and don't chase it up any further - just do it because you regret the way things finished. You have clearly changed hugely, which is fantastic, and I can tell you feel genuinely upset that the 'past you' said and did certain things. You know, sometimes people when they are terminally ill, decades after something has happened, feel the need to 'put things right', so its an understandable human response to want to 'clear things up'.

I would go along the lines of -

"I know its been a long time, 2 years, and know you will have moved on from the X incident, but at times it still enters my mind. I don't expect a reply, or any acknowledgement, but if you wanted to do so then that's fine also. I just wanted you to know that I entirely regret not making these points to you sooner and I am genuinely very sorry for the X that I did at the time and wanted you to know etc. I don't expect forgiveness, or that what I'm saying is any justification for what happened back then, but I just wanted it known that I have heartfelt guilt at the way I treated you. I have taken steps to change the way I respond to people, and do not behave the way that I do back then. You were a very valuable person to me, and deserved much better than how I behaved.....etc
I won't contact you again any further, unless of course you wanted me to do so."

You get the idea.....don't make it too long or indepth, avoid blow by blow accounts of what happened...and make it clear you won't be stalking them LOL. What you don't want to do is make the other party feel that they owe you a reply, or feel that they should be guilty for NOT accepting your apology. Just make it genuine, concise and without pressure. Remember that sometimes these apologies made after a long time don't go the way you want, it could end up with her responding in a way that makes you more upset, it could open old wounds. So, be ready to accept those outcomes, but know that at least you tried to make amends - and then move on.

Hope this helps ?

[MyNameIsTerry]

This does sound familiar but looking through your threads I couldn't spot it.

One question to consider here also is whether trying to move on yourself will end up upsetting your friend by dredging up stuff they had already moved on from? So, is it kinder to them to challenge what is bothering you but sparing them? To this end you could try working on forgiveness techniques and things like writing the letter but not sending it to get your emotions out. Sometimes getting it out of your head and onto paper means you can more objectively challenge it when you read it back.

[scarlettfreyy]

This is a hard question. I guess it depends on what you want to gain from this apology; personal closure is acceptable as a reason providing you end it there if the person wants nothing more to do with you anyway. If you just want to make sure she knows that you regret what you did, and leave it at that, then I can't personally see the harm in you making a written apology. If you were going to do it though, don't expect to hear anything back, don't expect a friendship to be regained, and don't chase it up any further - just do it because you regret the way things finished. You have clearly changed hugely, which is fantastic, and I can tell you feel genuinely upset that the 'past you' said and did certain things. You know, sometimes people when they are terminally ill, decades after something has happened, feel the need to 'put things right', so its an understandable human response to want to 'clear things up'.

I would go along the lines of -

"I know its been a long time, 2 years, and know you will have moved on from the X incident, but at times it still enters my mind. I don't expect a reply, or any acknowledgement, but if you wanted to do so then that's fine also. I just wanted you to know that I entirely regret not making these points to you sooner and I am genuinely very sorry for the X that I did at the time and wanted you to know etc. I don't expect forgiveness, or that what I'm saying is any justification for what happened back then, but I just wanted it known that I have heartfelt guilt at the way I treated you. I have taken steps to change the way I respond to people, and do not behave the way that I do back then. You were a very valuable person to me, and deserved much better than how I behaved.....etc
I won't contact you again any further, unless of course you wanted me to do so."

You get the idea.....don't make it too long or indepth, avoid blow by blow accounts of what happened...and make it clear you won't be stalking them LOL. What you don't want to do is make the other party feel that they owe you a reply, or feel that they should be guilty for NOT accepting your apology. Just make it genuine, concise and without pressure. Remember that sometimes these apologies made after a long time don't go the way you want, it could end up with her responding in a way that makes you more upset, it could open old wounds. So, be ready to accept those outcomes, but know that at least you tried to make amends - and then move on.

Hope this helps ?

It does.

[PWO_Nathan]

I havent read any posts bar your opening one so apologies if this is repeating what others have said...

I think we all would love to change aspects of past but the past is exactly that, the past.

I spend many a days contemplating my past and mistakes, I was an absolute moron. I was utterly horrible and while I completely regret my actions, I wouldn't change them had I the ability to do so as they made me who I am today and brought me inline to rationalise good vs bad behaviour. Making the mistakes I made previously has taught me patience and to not be so judgemental of people. Had I got through life making zero mistakes, upsetting zero people, I dont think I would appreciate life as I do now and generally would be an opinionated arrogant little soinso to be honest.

IF you have upset people to the point that they cannot forgive, then thats something that is out of your control. Its who you are now, not who you were then. Granted it doesn't make it less painful for anyone who you hurt previously, but you owe it to them / what you did to ensure its not who you are going forward.

[sadtimes]

Thank you for your advise.
I'm still unsure about sending it. I don't want to be friends with her, because she actually did some quite toxic things around that time too. It's definitely more to give myself some kind of closure over what I did.