I backed out of my Holiday at the last minute...

[welx3]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share my latest fling with anxiety as I’m doing my best not to beat myself up over it.

I’ve always been an over anxious, over-thinker, severe OCD at times…

But, through healthy eating (and a doctor recommended FODMAP diet as I have IBS), lots of exercise and exposure to self-development podcasts, I am currently the happiest I have ever been.

2 years ago, I had a breakdown while living in London. It was bad... I thought I was done. I had suffered from depression before but this was something else – I didn’t know it could get that bad.

Pulling myself out of that low was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I’m so proud that I made it out of it.

Now I’m 31. I’m making a living as a full-time writer and living well but, while living in London, I developed severe travel anxiety. I avoided the tube for months and only got on it the first a few months ago.

The second my foot got on the underground train I felt amazing, and I was shocked that I was so scared of it. It felt like a big breakthrough.

But going abroad has always been my biggest struggle with anxiety. I’ve been in some terrible states while on holiday and I’ve been putting off going abroad for the last 5 years.

So, yesterday I was supposed to take a holiday to Holland by myself. I packed my bag and went to London to take the coach but my anxiety kicked in and it was draining. I didn’t get any sleep the night before and I was just feeling at a horrible low – so facing my travel fears was crushing me so much – I turned back home.

it makes no sense: I don't mind coach journeys, or ferries (I used to work at sea!!!!) but you know as well as me – anxiety doesn't make sense... I was terrified of being stuck on a coach/ferry feeling like hell. And thr thought of feeling stuck overseas.

Obviously, I’m crushed, embarrassed, ashamed and all that stuff. I am incredibly lucky to have some loving family members that support me but I am frustrating my friends/my self big time.

I want to go on holiday sooooo bad, but when it’s time to dance, my anxiety becomes so strong it leaves me feeling hopeless. I know the pain of regret is going to be worse than the pain of anxiety but I crumbled in the moment.

Have any of you battled with this? How did you cope/get over it?

[Phuzella]

One good thing is you didn't let anyone down, only yourself, as you were going on your own.
Why not book another holiday, say a short break to somewhere closer, Isle of Wight or somewhere ?
That would include a coach and a ferry but not so far away or for so long a time.
If you do this, don't book too far ahead so you don't have so much time to worry about it.
Bite the bullet, expect to feel nervous but go for it. Don't let your anxiety get the better of you
Easier said than done I know

[ankietyjoe]

Start with smaller steps. Too much, too soon. Exposure therapy etc.

Go away somewhere relatively local for the weekend first. Stay a night away from home.

And don't beat yourself up, lesson learned, move on. It's not really a big deal learning where your current limits are.

[Pupps]

Hi I have had the same experience.

My biggest fear is flying to a foreign country and losing it and being stuck in a hospital to afraid to get home.

I had my best friends wedding in Thailand and I am the best man. It is a 7 hour flight with a stop over in Singapore to transfer to Koh Samui which is another 2 hrs.

I have been petrified for months about it and had been doing lots of work on changing my views on panic and anxiety.

I have 2 kids and they were coming also but the night I was suppose to leave I froze and had a massive melt down and couldn't go. The face on my little boy broke my heart as I felt like such a weak person. My wife ended up taking the kids as we had lots of friends going that could help.

Now I am left at home with a terrible feeling of defeat and anxiety about being apart from my family.

This is the most horrible experience I have ever had and am finding it hard to get back on the horse.

Cheers

[Sunnydelight]

Aw they will understand . I was also scared of flying but I faced my fear granted a much shorter flight it honestly wasn’t as bad as I had feared . I wouldn’t let this stop you in future may be you try much shorter flights in the future . Anxiety is strange it’s the exact same feeeling you get when we are waiting for something exciting like a ride but our mind tells us it something wrong when. It’s not we need to learn to challenge those thoughts x

[Pupps]

Thanks Sunny,

I had done a 1 hr flight 3 weeks before and was extremely anxious but with the support of my wife I did it and stayed over night and then flew back the next day. As soon as I landed I felt amazing and I really thought the wedding was achevivalbe . I think I needed smaller steps. It still doesn’t ease the disappointment in myself at the moment.

[pulisa]

We are always very hard on ourselves but maybe this was literally a mental step too far for you, Pupps. Better to do what you have done rather than go and not be able to cope in Thailand. I'm sure your wife understands this and is supportive-your children will just enjoy the experience and will tell you all about it when they get back.

Disappointment in yourself will just drag you down. You'll be able to plan something more achievable for you and your family in the near future that you will all enjoy and it will be a wonderful experience rather than an ordeal.

[Pupps]

Thanks Pulisa

[Suziewuzie]

Please don't beat yourself up about this. I do think there's a time & place for us to 'push ourselves' but it's also important for us to listen to our bodies and recognise when it's just TOO FAR right now.
This wasn't a once in a lifetime trip, you can and will go again, but right now clearly isn't the best time for it. I'll bet being so tired from the night before didn't help. Being away from home & alone can be really unpleasant when you're feeling anxious. I've travelled alone quite a lot and on one trip to Thailand I had a REALLY dreadful day where I couldn't leave my hotel room due to anxiety and it was horrid & I felt (and was!) so far from home and safety.
Travelling is a huge thing anyway for anxiety sufferers and doing it alone is especially hard. Is there someone understanding in your life who would be prepared to take a short trip abroad with you just to test the waters? After my anxiety 'episode' I travelled with my partner to Greece and it was still incredibly hard but having him there was a great source of comfort.

[Pupps]

Just a update on all my above posts.

I was so terrified of leaving home but when I saw photos of my family so far away I became more anxious. I had a close friend and his partner leaving to go to the same wedding a few days after my family left and I thought stuff it I will at least have another go. I bought a ticket the night before and I packed my bag with no pressure on my self if I felt it was still to much at least I was making some progress.

I drove to the airport extremely panicky and met my friends. I also had a few Valium (2mg) just to help. I only took a carry on bag in case I still couldn't go through as I didn't want to burden my friends with another bag to lug around if I backed out. I got through the check in and felt the same then I got through customs and felt more anxious. I had another Valium and before I knew it I was boarding the plane. I sat there looking at the exit but tried to keep myself occupied. The door shut and I was like well I'm on my way and I sort of felt calmer than I had built it up to be.

The flight was 7 hrs then a transfer for another flight of 2 hrs. I had moments of panic and just reminded myself that it was only adrenaline and it will pass. I wont lie it was difficult but I kept myself occupied and let the silly thoughts come and go.

I never told my wife or friends I was coming and when I knocked on my wives room door and saw her she burst out in tears and my children were in shock. I then went to my best friends room who was getting married and surprised him also. He broke down and so did most people who knew the difficulty I had gone through. I was overwhelmed with the support from everyone.

I had a few tough days while I was there but the feeling of accomplishment still hasn't worn off days after returning home.

Anyway sorry for the long post but I hope this helps someone else going through this horrible stage of your journey.