In despair again

[Greycylinder]

I am on 45mg mirtazapine, 300mg Quetiapine and 175mg Pregabalin and I am so profoundly sad and despairing. I have sunk to being very close to ending it all. I have been ill now for nearly a year with only brief respites. I am 58 years old and I don't think I can face much more of this. I'm waiting for DBT counselling, I do Pilates and I force myself to scialise and do an afternoon voluntary work in a charity shop. I don't drink and I rarely take my 5mg Diazepam because it doesn't help. Latterly my sleep has worsened and every morning feels like the end of the world. Please help me.

[welsh girl]

I am so sorry you feel so desperate, you are not alone feeling as you do, at least you are honest declaring how you feel, a lot of people including me would not do that, I keep everything bottled up inside and can not bring myself to speak up and face my demons.
Can you focus on something in your life that is good , and build on that, since joining NMP I have learned a lot and rejoice that I have one or two things in my life that I can be pleased with. Bear up my friend the sun is shinning some where for us,

[Greycylinder]

Thank you Welsh girl. If you looked at my life from the outside it would appear to be ok but depression is a file beastvthat saps and distorts everything. I have 2 living children and caring friends but they can't save me from this morass of my mind. I just want the pain to stop.

[welsh girl]

I also have two children, now grown up, I look back on my life and fear I have been a rotten mother, I can't express my self and I think the world of them but I am so depressed in case they think I have let them down.
So, there are different kind of depressions but each sole destroying to the extent one can't live with ones thoughts ,. but if we did do the worst just think what it would do to the family, they would never get over it, so would we want to do that to them? there must be light at the end of the tunnel, we have just got to find it. to morrow has just got to be one day nearer peace of mind,

[Buster70]

Hi there , lots of us on here know that feeling of utter despair like you can't take another second let alone another day but you are a survivor you just have to believe this feeling is temporary and can get better , 2 o'clock this morning I felt like giving up but I've got through another day and so have you , the mornings can be the worst looking forward to the day ahead , my partner is always convinced she is a crap mother but nothing could be further from the truth it's just the depression clouding your view.
Could be the meds are making you worse but don't stop suddenly, life is blooody hard work for some of us .
Hang in there .

[Greycylinder]

I know. Both my kids have told me that their lives would be ruined or even ended if I wasn't around from suicide. This alone forces me to keep going. I am seeing my shrink on Thursday so maybe she can tweak my medication but I'm on such a lot of these horrible drugs that I am not hopeful. I love watching ' Call the midwife' because the nuns seem to be so tranquil. Their lives are so simple and their belief comforts them. Why is this so hard to achieve in the real world?

---------- Post added at 21:29 ---------- Previous post was at 21:26 ----------

Thank you Buster too. You guys on here are so kind to reply. I know I have to try to carry on and try to find some meaning in my life. I do like working in the charity shop so I may just so more of that for a while. Working for free is quite liberating in a way because you're not judged.

[Buster70]

When I had my breakdown ( due to meds ) all I could think was I have no belief no religion and no point but I got past that and I just try to be a good compassionate person , I like the idea of humanists , trying to help your fellow man , I can't force myself to believe in god and I see what evil has come from religion, the charity work you do is a good thing so work on that and your family as your reason for being .

[Greycylinder]

No, I feel the same. No religious belief but do my best to be a 'good too. I know you guys will understand and we have to hang on. X

[fishman65]

I can't add much to what Welsh girl and Buster have said, other than to hang in there and try not to give up hope. There are some lovely people on this site who know exactly how you feel, please know you are not alone in your suffering. In my experience I've found depression to be one side of the same coin as anxiety, they are very much bedfellows. Keep safe

[Tyke]

So sorry to hear you're having such a bad time Greycylinder. You are doing all the right things regarding medication, talking therapy and getting yourself into activities. Should you be trying a different combination of meds? What does your GP think? When you talk about 'brief respites' in your condition, are you able to say how they came about? Is there something about those times that it might be possible to replicate?