I can't take anymore

[wendy]

Hi All

I havent been on the site for a while as I have been offline

I just cant cope with how I am feeling anymore, I am sure that I am the only one to feel this bad, I am living in constant fear that I will die, I have pains, feel weak, am cold down one side of my body have my eyes feel like I am slipping away, I am afraid to walk incase I fall over, my head hurts, how can this just be anxiety, I am so worried for my son incase I die or that he will find me dead,

After 12 months off sick I am back at work part time but am not coping well, each day passes in a haze with constant fear then end is here for me,

can anyone help or re-assure me please, I used to always run to the doctors or hospital but feel they are sick off me and I am just a burden to everyone, no one understands how I feel, I darent take medication, CBT helped short term, I cant live my life like this anymore

Thanks for reading

Wendy x

[HelenP]

Well done for getting back onto the website, it sounds like you are going through a rough time at the moment, I know when you are feeling so grotty hearing positive things can make you feel worse, but you know ' deep down' you will come through.
Keep using the site as you know there are people out here who do understand

HelenP

[Panic1971]

Hi Wendy

I thought I was reading a post I had written then. I feel exactly the same as you. The thoughts that I am going to drop down dead etc are with me from the minute I wake up till I go to bed.

I work part time and it is so hard to function normally. I just want to run away and hide all the time.

I dont take medication as I had a bad experience on the different ones I tried and was advised not to take any again. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment (only had 2 appointments so far) and she is referring me for CBT.

Every day is such a struggle at the moment. The symptoms are so strong and terrifying and I am convinced the doctors have made a mistake or something.

[Insomniac]

Hi wendy, sorry to hear you're feeling so rough. I know just what you mean.

I also suffer with depression though luckily its not so black these days. It tends to go more with my monthly cycle so I only get a week or so of depression rather than constant.

I had managed my symptoms without meds and only herbal remedy for ages, then it all got too much and I felt totally out of control. I remember telling my husband I wanted to get out of my own head because it was so horrible in there and I could not control my own body!

I went to see my GP who was great. She suggested meds and I wasn't keen at first, but I knew I needed help because of the effect on me and the effect on my family (which made me feel even worse!). I started the meds and managed to keep hold of my sanity while my body adjusted to taking them (slight dizziness - but when you're panicky its hard). Now with the meds and the counselling I feel able to cope.

Each achievement (going out, staying over with friends, driving to Cornwall etc) is like a point to me against the panic. I am winning!! And also makes me stronger and more postive next time. Not that I don't get symptoms, because I do, but I am able to manage them now rather than them taking over.

Try to practise what you learnt in CBT. Its hard to keep practising something when you don't go any more. I find myself lapsing after a while. I also try to think of positive things/achievements. (Think of at least TWO things every single day.) It helps me appreciate myself and remember that while going to the shop is no big deal to some, its quite an achievement for someone who found it hard going outside her home! It does help though this is the first thing I forget to do, then I notice I become more negative, tell myself off, and start working on being positive again. Not always easy.... but certainly not impossible.

Taking meds is not failing. I found it hard to accept. I can also acknowledge that having this illness is not my fault. Like some people are diabetic for example, they need to take meds all the time to survive, well in order to survive mentally and emotionally I need to take these meds for now. And I can forgive myself for needing help.

Sorry this got so long, but I do tend to write from the heart so sometimes it gets long to say just what I mean. Hope this helps.

[Nibbles]

Great post Insom!

Wendy when I read that you're working despite feeling so terrible I was really impressed and you should feel very proud of that achievement. It sounds like some of your thoughts are contributing to keeping the anxiety going such as fearing you're going to die. Doctors and other medical bods are there to help and I'm sure aren't fed up of you. We often don't have a high opinion of ourselves and make negative perceptions but to me it sounds like you're coping brilliantly. A couple of years ago I initiated some counselling with a voluntary organisation myself so maybe you could consider something along those lines. The people I saw were called Beacon Counselling.

Take care,

[wendy]

Thank you all for replying, It helps to know people understand how I feel
I am still feeling so so bad today, feel like crying as know people talk about me at work as some days I struggle to keep it together, guess it is easy for people who have not experienced this to pass judgement

Thank you again, heres to a better day!

Wendy xxx

[Dave777]

Stick with it Wendy, we are all behind you ...... or is that a bit scary? lol

best wishes
Dave

[groovygranny]

Hello Wendy!

Well done for getting through another day eh?!

Please try not to think too much about what others think - you're the one who is going through this.

I was off sick from school for 6mnths and went back full time straight after - mainly for financial reasons. I've been back for over 12 mnths now.

I also was averse to taking any kind of medication - but I'm glad I took my doctor's advice and started on Citalopram. It worked for me, along with excellent counselling, and I only had to take it for 5mnths. I was able to go back to work medication free.

Please, don't rule out the option of taking medication. Used wisely it can be a great help to give you a 'breather' while you learn to cope.

Keep us posted and hope you feel better tomorrow than today!

[PhantasyStar]

Hi Wendy,

Firstly welcome back to the forum.

Wendy i can relate to how you are feeling, i used to feel the same way as if everything around me is just surreal and that any moment something bad is going to happen to me.

I occasional get pains and these are sharp pains in my chest sometimes which worry me a bit. I am only in my 30's and i feel awful sometimes when i shouldn't be feeling like that, but Anxiety & Depression really does take it out of you.

Wendy you won't die, i want to try and make you feel better by saying this to you, but you won't die so don't be frightened. It's true that nobody knows when your time is up, however, it don't normally happen when it's constantly on your mind, nobody knows for sure when their time is up even if you are seriously ill, there still isn't a time stamp on life. You are still here with us so that's great to know.

I hope things get better for you.
Take Care of yourself.

[wendy]

Thank you for all of the replies, Really does help to hear such supportive words..... I did my ringing the hospital proclaiming death bit again last night, was sure I would die (again!!!), however I got up and have made it into work this morning, I just cant go back to not daring to leave my bed, I dont feel nice, infact feel like total c**p but Im going to stick it out, I feel for everyone who is going through this but at least we all have the support of each other!

Thanks again,

Wendy xx