CBT - unrealistic expectations?

[Nerdling2]

Hi folks

I'm new and apologies if I get the protocol wrong - I couldn't quite work out whether the Multiple Post rule meant max. 1 post across all topics, or within the same topic. Anyway...

I started online CBT 2 weeks ago for my severe level anxiety, although I'm high functioning and don't have any formal 'label' as such. I've dabbled with CBT in person over the years but not online before and have only ever done short bursts purely due to cost issues. This time it is funded.

I have to say I'm finding it frustrating. The 1st week was interesting, keeping a diary to identify patterns. But in the 2nd week my therapist told me I just need to try Sitting with my anxiety. I'm not finding that reassuring at all...ive been just living with it for 30 years and whilst I function ok in the work / keeping going / not killing myself sense, I'm utterly miserable and feel only half alive. It's exhausting, limiting my capacity to enjoy life and my family and driving a huge wedge into my relationship with my husband.

I feel very disillusioned that learning to just accept it may be all there is. Do I have completely unrealistic expectations of what this can do for me (I admit I'm not even sure what I want or expect. Anything!!) or does it get better?

Thank you

[lior]

No, it does get better.

I think the way it works is that they pull together a variety of content so there's something in there for everyone. Session 2 might not have had something useful for you, but the other sessions might.

I remember when I was severely depressed, someone told me to sit with the pain. It was like walking on hot coals constantly. 'There is no SITTING' I thought - I was mentally hopping around with burnt feet! That idea didn't work for me either.

Now that I'm much better, if I do get sad or angry or experience physical pain, I am able to 'sit with' it because it's not hellish - it's just awful. So the same idea worked for me, just at a different time in my life.

I remember being told in CBT that another of the therapist's clients had suicidal thoughts and expects to always have them, and maybe I should just come to terms with it. I refused to accept that that's all there is, similar to you. I refused to stay in hell and just accept it.

And that was right for me. I'm not in hell any more. I'm not depressed any more.
3.5 years on, and I still get suicidal thoughts at times of high stress or tiredness. But it's not the same kind of suicidal thought AT ALL. It's not because of depression. It's like a nervous tic that happens as a reaction to difficult circumstances. It's not overwhelming. It doesn't have power anymore.

It's like it's coming from a character in my mind who's a crazy old lady sitting comfortably in a corner, who I can safely say 'no' to and keep her safe, rather than the terrifying Wicked Witch of the West screaming murderous things in my face. The old lady is stuck in her ways, but I'm in charge now. Does that make sense?

So maybe there will eventually be some element of anxiety that you won't be able to shake, if you're anything like me, but you will eventually have control over it so that it doesn't freak you out or control what you do any more. And you won't FEEL especially anxious any more.

This is just my perspective - there's probably loads of people who fully heal and don't have any remnants left to shake, like I do. Anyway I remember feeling similarly to you. Stick with it. There may be something in there useful to learn yet. You never know.

[jray23]

I think "acceptance" is just one of the many strategies that can potentially be used to counter anxiety. Keep at it, you'll gain more insights and other tools to use that may work better for you.

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[Nerdling2]

Thank you so much both for taking time to reply. Yes, that's what I wondered, whether 'just accepting' is a normal approach and it seems like it is and that, for some, it works.

Lior - out of interest, did you tell your therapist that approach wasn't for you? I'm not sure what to do, whether to let her know how I feel about it or just go with it and hope I get given a new tactic next. Confrontation is one of my anxiety triggers anyway so just the thought of telling her I don't feel right with this is stressing me out and I'm really struggling to put into words what it is about it I'm actually feeling. Because it's online not face to face cbt I find it even harder to be authentic and when I lock up it's just easier to say nothing.

Again thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate having people to speak to who understand.

[lior]

I would find online harder than face to face too.

If you don't say anything about what you're finding difficult, they can't help you by doing anything differently. She's not going to take offence - she's heard it all before. It's not about her, it's about CBT. She won't take it as a personal insult.

Confrontation can be really difficult but the only way we're going to get better is through practice. Therapy can be a safe space in which to gently start to do this.

It is hard to explain feelings - but again, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

You can do this!

[wcs2222]

Hi.
I attended CBT group sessions a few years ago and it didn't help me. It was run by a social worker who may not be well-trained on the subject.
Recently, I looked into trying CBT again on a one-to-one basis with a therapist. I contacted a psychotherapist who told me that CBT does not work so well for anxiety/panic and the newer technique of "Mindfulness CBT" works for her patients.
The difference appears to be that Mindfulness CBT trains your mind to pass anxiety and thoughts vs. CBT trying to change your understanding of thoughts. I went to my first session, so I'll see if it helps.