Mirt Diary

[anxiousjomo]

Day 7 of 3.75mg

Been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. Slept well last night, and feeling in a decent mood today. No noticeable withdrawal issues, save perhaps some itchiness that could be mirt related, and mild headaches (but they could just be tiredness/stress). Also still some oddities with my stomach, but as I have said before I have had IBS for years so it may well be related to that.

No melatonin for 2 nights now, and no issues with sleep.

Maybe a bit of weight gain over the last week or so, but that is not something I am too worried about.

Will probably start slowing walking down to 0mg now over the next 10 days or so. I have been keeping the smaller 1/4s from the last few days separately (as my cutting is not remotely accurate!) so will move on to those from tomorrow.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 8 of 3.75mg

As if to give me a little check on my hubris - last night was not so great. Woke at about 4am feeling quite anxious, chest tight etc. But managed to calm down enough to rest using deep breathing/meditation/CBT. Don't think I slept again but managed to stop it escalating.

So this morning I am feeling a little off - I can feel my mind wants to run down its old, well-trodden, anxious, worrying paths, so am trying to keep busy and mindful etc so that it doesn't.

Am a bit dizzy, tired etc, and stomach has been pretty upset all morning, though seems to be calming down a bit now.

In light of this, and in light of the fact I am not in any real rush, I will hold off on starting to walk down to zero until after the weekend.

Had a work event last night where I had to make small talk with lots of clients and accountants. I hate those sorts of things, and did notice the odd attempted rush of anxiety during it, but managed to take deep breaths and try and focus on the conversation rather than withdrawing into myself. Still not exactly pleasant, but I survived. so am pleased about that.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 9 of 3.75 and day 1 of about 2.5mg or so

Friday was fine - no issues - slept relatively ok with no melatonin or anything else.

Saturday: after going down to my smaller quarters last night - so likely around 2.5-3mg - slept ok but some anxiety and nausea today. All bearable, but not exactly pleasant. Tired all day as well, and headaches from time to time. Will be having these smaller quarters for the next few days, then go smaller and smaller until getting to 0 by next weekend I think, but will play it by ear and slow down if feel I need to. Have to keep reminding myself that these feelings are all due to coming off the meds, and not to worry. Plus it has now been a good 4-5 weeks of being on a lower than 15mg dose, and nothing horrific has happened.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 2 of about 2mg

Rough night - not much sleep and feeling quite anxious today. May take a lorezepam tonight just to help get a good nights sleep, as it has been nearly 4 weeks since I took one.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 3 of about 2mg (or less - am slowly making them smaller and smaller).

Proud of myself because I managed to get a decent 6hrs sleep with just 1mg of Melatonin, and no benzo or sleeping pill. Feeling fine today - still getting weakness sensation in my arms and legs, some dizziness and mild headache, but otherwise ok. Mild anxiety but nothing too bad at present.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 4 of about 2mg

Tired today, and feeling quite down. I took melatonin again last night, so got some sleep, but am having to fight hard not to let my thoughts go down the usual depressed routes. And then, of course, I have some anxiety about the fact that I am feeling depressed etc. The day ahead at work seems very long.

Apart from that, a mild headache/tight feeling in my skull, and some mild anxiety, I am ok.

[pulisa]

It's very tiring fighting these feelings and mornings are daunting when the working day yawns ahead..

I hope the day got better for you. You are ok and coping and that is the main thing. Take things slowly and steadily. You know you are doing really well despite the tiredness-induced doubts.

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Pulisa - that is very kind of you. The mornings are always the toughest, particularly when they are dark and cold and a long work day beckons!

Feeling a bit better now, and have my book club after work, so am looking forward to that.

Also looking forward to getting to 0mg this weekend! Then, hopefully, if I get to the new year without any horrible withdrawal kicking in, I can start 2019 with the aim of ending that year in a better mental space than I ended this!

[pulisa]

Just take it a day at a time and don't put any additional pressure on yourself though. What matters is overall progress and working towards consistently feeling better mentally. Christmas and New Year can be tough going for anybody. let alone someone withdrawing from powerful meds.

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Pulisa, you are completely right.

Last night I probably took about 1mg or so of Mirt. Fell asleep fine, but then my son woke me up at 1.33am because he had had a bad dream and could not find his water bottle...after 15min of searching for it upstairs and downstairs, he found it in the bed right next to him! Apparently it was "camouflaged"...sigh..
So of course he fell right back asleep, and I spent the rest of the night unable to do so, with growing anxiety and general unpleasantness. Then up at 6.50am to get him ready for school, and to head to work.

Don't know if the insomnia was from the meds, or from my brain saying "uh oh - now you are not going to get back to sleep you know!" as soon as I lay down. Probably a bit of both.

Either way, I feel pretty awful today. Exhausted, obviously, and a little anxious and depressed. I know I just have to grit my teeth and fight my way to the evening. Will make sure I go to the gym too, to try and burn off some of the adrenaline/cortisol etc.

Then I have planned for tonight: (1) a long, hot, Epsom salts bath; (2) a meditation session; (3) some chamomile tea; (4) melatonin; and (5) bed.

If I can't sleep again, I will take either a zopiclone or 1mg ativan (as it has been about 4 weeks since I took one, so can safely do so). I find zopi does not work so well if the insomnia is anxiety based, so will just try and see how I am feeling.

If my son wakes up again, it is my wife's turn to deal with him!

Going to do some research on 5-htp too, just to see if I do want to start taking it and, if so, whether I should do it for short period with gaps or longer etc. It certainly makes sense to me that (what with serotonin being made from 5-htp, and melatonin being made from serotonin), it could be something that helps.

Am intending to try:

1. 5-htp
2. L-Theanine
3. Insitol

Will wait until I am off the Mirt before trying any of them, and try and do one at a time for a week or two to watch for the effect.