Mirt Diary

[chrismex89]

I agree with Pulisa you must take your follow-up with your psychiatrist and if it can be private it is better, the supplements can be a good option, and do not stop working with the CBT

[anxiousjomo]

Day 4 of 0mg

Thanks both, and I agree.

I managed to get about 5hrs sleep or so last night, and also managed to stay relatively calm and relaxed. No bad anxiety. But I would say it seems like the melatonin is not really working anymore - it took me a good 3hrs or so to fall asleep. Maybe I should take a break from it anyway, particularly if I am going to try 5-htp.

This morning, however, I woke about 6am quite anxious and am feeling low, very very tired and dizzy, and with tight chest, jitters etc. The dizziness/grogginess is particularly noticeable. It is going to be a hard fight today not to let myself slip into depression or obsessive worry and all the rest. Struggling, but know I will get through.

It is so frustrating to be so tired, yet unable to rest. That is one of the hardest things for me about anxiety - I wish I could just lie in a bit and sleep, or have a restful day lazing around the house, but the anxiety just makes me need to keep moving...

[pulisa]

I'm like that and my daughter is too. Meds just make this worse for me.

For what my opinion is worth I think you are doing the right thing by pressing on regardless and trying not to worry about how much you do or don't sleep The physical symptoms are more pronounced when you are low on sleep but they won't harm you. It's "just" a question of being able to rise above them which is a tall order, I know.

I hope things got a bit more tolerable after you got to work.

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Pulisa

Unfortunately I am really struggling today. Very anxious and depressed. Shaking and all the rest. Really trying hard to fight the negative thinking. My chest is very tight. My legs feel very weak. Trying not to feel frightened.

What is hard, and I think I have said this before, is I never had any of this before I tried to go on Prozac and then Citalopram and had the horrible anxiety side effects. It is like that experience triggered something in me and I can't turn it off.

I wonder too if I might be feeling worse due to the benzo/zopiclone use 30 odd hours ago. Maybe a bit of an after effect from those drugs. I don't know. Or it is withdrawal. Or just me.

Anyway. I have no choice but to keep trying to fight on through today.

[chrismex89]

I think you need a private psychiatrist as soon as possible, I know that several medications have not worked for you but you have to see some yes, one question: if I take escitalopram 10mg and 7.5mg of mirtazapine just to sleep, you think it will be hard for me to leave the mirtazapine if I reduce it gradually?

---------- Post added at 10:26 ---------- Previous post was at 10:25 ----------

I saw that you had already answered my question, sorry and encouragement, there must be medicines that work for you

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Chris. I have an appointment with a counselor/therapist next thursday at 8.30am before work, so will see how that goes. Also have a private psychiatrist I liked the look of that I can try if things are still rough in January.

I looked back on my diary from when I was on citalopram and coming off it, and I have to remember that in many ways that was worse than this. I was regularly having mild panic attacks, regularly barely sleeping etc. The last few days have been tough, but I have faced worse and dealt with it. I just have to ride it out and help my body and brain get back in a better place. I also need to try not to take the benzos or zopiclone, as they are short term solutions that, I think, make the whole experience worse in the longer term. I am convinced I feel worse a day or so after taking one.

I will keep updating this diary for at least a few more days, as I think this is all part of the Mirtazapine journey, but at a certain point it will just be me and my issues, so does not belong on this thread. I guess I will see where I am next week.

[chrismex89]

And your CBT therapist who thinks what you're going to be without medicine? Have supplements helped you like 5htp? I do not think you can become resistant to melatonin since it is a natural neurotransmitter but it may be very soft

[anxiousjomo]

Day 5 of 0mg

Feeling a little better today. Slept maybe 5-6hrs with no melatonin or anything. Fighting a cold and feeling run down but not too bad otherwise. Still having nausea - and actually threw up a little in my mouth at about 4am for some reason (may have been a dodgy chicken sandwich I had at the theater last night rather than withdrawal) - but it is manageable.

I was thinking last night about ways to re-frame all this. I think the best is as follows:

1. This is not something I need to "cure" or "fix". I am not broken. I do not have cancer or something like that. My body has some sensations, which I then obsess over and worry about and get depressed about. So the issue is not the sensations themselves, but my response to them. “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - of course, there are limits to this, and there are things in the world that are bad regardless of how one thinks of them, but when it comes to bodily sensations, I think this is a useful mantra to steal from Hamlet.
2. I am learning from all of this to be more compassionate - now, if someone has anxiety or depression issues, I can understand them more due to my experience, and help them more. What if, for example, my son has anxiety or insomnia later in his life? If I had not gone through this experience, I would not be so well placed to help him.
3. Each day is different - I struggled (but again, that is not the right word - "struggling" or "fighting" against all this is precisely the problem) yesterday, but am doing much better today.

So today I may well start to feel anxious or depressed or have other sensations in my body during the day. But that is fine. I do not need to give those sensations energy by worrying and fixating on them. And I need to remember, and believe, all this on bad days.

Hopefully, while I know I will continue to have days that are easier and days that are harder, slowly the former will increase and the latter will decrease.

---------- Post added at 09:58 ---------- Previous post was at 09:53 ----------

Oh and Chris - thanks - I don't see a CBT therapist - I had about 6 sessions on the NHS here but they were not very helpful. I don't see anyone, which is why I have been looking into finding a therapist/counselor. I don't think I need a psychiatrist, as I don't think medication is the way to go for me. I have not tried any supplements yet. I want to see if I can do without as, again, that is taking things to try and "fix" myself, which may be just compounding the problem. I can imagine taking 5-htp then worrying about when I should take a break, then thinking about whether or not it is working or if it will stop working or if I will get side effects etc etc. Best I think to try and just eat better, take some vitamins (I do think a good high dose of magnesium citrate (400mg) at night does help, and then all the B vitamins are key), exercise, meditate and be mindful. Hopefully that will work.
I am lucky in that my condition is nowhere near as bad as it is for many of you, so I think I could hopefully cope with just this. Medication is great, and essential, for many, but I have had such bad luck with it personally, and I think trying different meds has made things worse for me.

[pulisa]

Sometimes you can focus too much on symptoms, feelings, supplements, meds, sleep patterns etc etc etc. Sometimes the simple approach can be the most successful approach. Letting things be and not "struggling" against them, not "fighting" your way through the day, trying not to care so much about how things pan out, anxiety-wise and not feeling obliged to follow a rigid recovery programme..

You might just need to give yourself a break and be compassionate towards yourself, jomo.

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Pulisa - I agree. What will be will be and there is not really that much I can do about it. I am very tired, and work is boring, so can feel myself slipping a bit emotionally, but know too that that is fine. I am not going to die from feeling a bit anxious and depressed!

I also know that updating this every day is not really the best idea either, but I committed to recording at least the first 7 days off mirt so people can get an idea of how it went, as those kind of things helped me. After that I will try and post less regularly in order to try and spend less time thinking about it all.