anxiety has taken over

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sound like you were having a bit of a blip yesterday, hopefully that's all it was, when you start to feel the darkness you must remind yourself of all the good you have in your life, like your long standing friends, your family, and all the things that you have achieved over the years, your a very strong person, and you will succeed in life..
I think its good you go to church, faith can be an amazing healer. I was brought up a christian by my mum who is very religious,i don't go to church anymore for my own reasons, but do have faith.

I struggled a bit this morning to pull myself together, i had a terrible nightmare last night and it shook me up a bit, first time i have woken in a sweat for a week or so.
A couple of cups of tea and i was fine.
Went down to the caravan and sorted my steps out on the decking, it took me all day, it was worth it though just to stand back and give myself a pat on the back, i don't want to blow my own trumpet but i am good with the hands on stuff
Been a little bit off this evening, cant put my finger on it, but have a feeling something bad is going to happen, its not dread or anxiety, its just an underlying feeling if you can understand that.
Hope you have had a productive day and not overdone it, you will get there its just taking time, we both still have ups and downs but its better than it was 6 weeks ago by a mile.
As always, all the best wishes, your friend Otterman.

[Rad1]

Evening Otterman,

It was nice to get your message. Your nightmare sounds difficult, but you pushed on today and did the step, so well done for that. I bet you feel in limbo while the move is underway. It sounds like most off you things are in boxes or down the caravan. Can’t make it easy to feel settled. I worked on some text fir a website today. I was at it 5 hours. Then I collected my daughter from gym club. I ended up taking a nap as I was so tired. My partners alarm went off at 2 am in error! Plus the flipping planes started around 5.30am. I did manag a bit more work and then cooked a chicken casserole. I’ve enjoyed having my sisters little dog to stay. He sat under my desk against my feet and snored. He got some chicken bits from my casserole and so followed me around the house all night wanting more. I had a few tough minutes this morning, but was able to crack on regardless. I understand your underlying sense of forboding, I hope it turns out to be nothing in the end. But I think it could be connected with your imminent move. Just that feeling of change on its way. I recall clearly the Day before I started boarding school I stayed up with a feeling of doom. I was seven. I’d never let my daughter go through the trauma of being taken a hundred miles away and not visited for 6 weeks. I cried in my pillow quietly night after night. I did run away a few months later, but I also forged an amazing friendship with the headmaster and his wife. In the end, I had to leave a few years later as my dad couldn’t keep up with the fees. Later I went on to another very tough boarding school, but that’s a story for another day. I hope you get a better rest tonight and manage to tick off more things re the move. Catch up tomorrow Otterman, take care. Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sounds like you had a bit of a rough night what with the alarm and planes flying over. Make no wonder the dog was following you around, i would do the same thing for some chicken casserole
Your childhood sounds very tough, i cant begin to imagine how that must of felt for a child of 7, im not surprised you ran away.

My feeling of foreboding came into fruition today big time. The thing is you should always read the small print, was the lesson i learned today.. My wife rang the letting agency to give our months notice. All seemed well until 30 minuets later when they rang her back! It turns out we signed a contract to rent the house for 12 months not 6 as i believed.
This means the only way we can get out is to pay the rent off up to february next year. Ive been left a bit of a wreck today to be fair, just when i thought we were back on track, another bomb shell lands.
On a plus note i managed to sell the wooden shed, and i sold the van, that's going on friday. Haven't really done much of anything today, went to B&Q and got some wood to make another gate for the steps up onto the decking.
I'm sat now having a beer, and sod it. Tomorrow will be better im sure, im not going to let it get me down, im fed up yes, but im not depressed, i refuse to go back to feeling like i did. There is a solution to everything, i just need to find it thats all.
Sorry about the ramble.
Anyway i hope you have had a good productive and stress free day, look forward to hearing from you.
All the best wishes my friend,
A slightly down trodden Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

You must have some intuition re the foreboding. The letting contract sounds really tough. Let me put my practical hat on a moment. Did you not tell or email the letting agent that it was meant too be a 6 month when you searched for it? Perhaps it is their error and they simply forgot to amend the contract accordingly. It is ever so easy to sign things without reading carefully. And what does the letting company say? Surely they would have been aware that it was your intention for 6 months? Maybe the person you dealt with can do the honest thing and confirm the truth. So I would look for some type of confirmation regarding it. Maybe the landlord who may also have been aware that is was only for 6 months. Hopefully they are all decent and somehow it can be confirmed.

Another angle - you tell them you simply dont have the funds to remain, and rather than stop paying and drag it out for months, you want to leave the place clean and as you found it so it can go straight back on the market. The landlord might be understanding of your circumstances and prefer a clean break. Especially if he understand that a genuine mistake has happened. If it goes back on the market fast, and they find a new tenant and he loses nothing. And you dont end up paying a further 6 months, maybe just a few weeks.

Finally, if he has not been a good landlord, perhaps he has in some way not honoured his side of the contract. Maybe things dont work or your deposit was not kept with the deposit protection scheme etc, then you might have technical grounds to leave. Or perhaps there is another error on the contract like the date is wrong or name. Do you hold a copy of the contract?

It is a horrible thing to discover. But I agree, there is no point in inflicting anxiety on yourself. It just won't help and you are in better control now. I think you will get some resolution. Maybe 100% resolution.

I had a little moment of happiness today when one of my small clients asked to see me about a new project. It ,ay end up being small, but it is another little positive step.

I must sign off, but my thoughts are with you Otterman.
I will catch up tomorrow as always.

Take care,
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Thanks for all the helpful advice, but sadly the contract does stipulate 12 months, i should know better than sighn before reading through, but at the end of the day we are all human, looks like i will just have to suck it up. The agency say they are putting it back on the market and if they get another tenant then we can terminate our contract, its a long shot but fingers crossed.
Good news that you have some more work lined up, bet your dead chuffed, every little helps.
Night for now , and speak again tomorrow.
Otterman.

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Had a good nights sleep surprisingly, slept through from 11pm to 6.30 am, still sweating loads though.
Have been wrecking my brain all day trying to come up with a solution to get out of this property, i think i will just have to pay the rent up and have done with it, i cant be waiting round until the agent finds another tenant.
Had another cracking bit of news today, the plastic shed that was supposed to be delivered tomorrow is now cancelled as it is out of stock, they could have told me two weeks ago when i ordered it.
Its actually been a good day today, i remain upbeat and look forward to the future and whatever it may hold, you cant keep us good dogs down Rad.
Today i made a gate for the top of my steps, and the wooden shed went to its new home in the lake district
The wifes away for a couple of days with work so its just me and smudge the little boy spaniel, and jess the crazy collie. They are great company and always up for a cuddle, they seem to know when there is something wrong with me.
Hope you got a good nights rest last night, and you are slowly working your way through your list and ticking off some boxes.
Looking forward to hearing about your day,
All the best wishes Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

I had a very long day yesterday. I am still trying to catch up with so many tasks. I still haven't done my VAT and if it doesn't get done by tomorrow I will get a fine. But I have a checkup tomorrow at the eye hospital for a long-term condition I have. It is usually about a 5 hour round trip. But I cant complain too much, on top of the admin things, I am pleased I am busy with small work requests that earn me money. Yes they are small, but every little bit helps and mentally it is a big boost. I didn't expect them. It is like my guardian angel is rooting for me up there.

Re your rent situation, I honestly believe it is worth writing to the landlord. There are decent landlords out there, and if they understand the circumstances, then they might let you go and move on. The worse that can happen is they say no. Tell them you can move out within 2 weeks and will leave the place spic and spam. And they can keep your deposit for the whole month. Apologise for the misunderstanding that you thought it was a 6 month contract. Let them know you are in financial difficulty and would rather leave owing no rent. Again, I am happy to help you compose a letter. There is no pride lost, its a genuine mistake.

I am going to crack on with my work now. Fingers crossed I have a constructive 8 hours ahead. I was pleased to hear you rested well and are not sinking in to a terribly anxious state. The medication must be helping - and that is a godsend. Keep marching on Otterman, and I will try and reply tonight after your post. I was so tired last night I went to bed earlier than normal.

Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Did you manage to get your VAT sorted out, and your eye appointment went ok. It sounds like you are fully busy at the moment, remember not to push yourself too hard until you are back to 100% well.
I have days now where i think i could take on the world, but then something will rock me and i realise im not quite back to myself yet.
Been very warm again up here today but cloudy,a bit tropical would sum it up. I have been into town to pay a small refund from the dvla into my bank, it was very busy on the roads, i almost turned back but didn't. Done some cleaning round the house and mowed the lawns, ordered yet another plastic shed and applied for sickness benefit, what a joke, i have worked for the past 40 years, and because my wife earns im not entitled to anything
Took the dogs out for a lovely walk up to a wood that still has the big stone chimney from the lead mining days, there's giant Scots pines, and a crystal clear shallow river running through it, its remote and i have never met a soul there. Anyway down on the riverbank it was nice and cool with a breeze blowing through the birch tree's that grow along the waters edge, found a log and got settled down and thats when i had a very odd moment.
Have you ever experienced everything at half speed, kind of slow motion, not scary but very peaceful, i started to remember old school friends some of them never made it to adulthood, and a couple of friends that have past away quite young.
And sitting there breathing the clean air, listening to the water flowing and the birds singing, i suddenly realised no matter what happens to me in the future, im still alive and enjoying things in life that don't cost anything.
Had some news from the inland revenue this morning, sounds like i have some tax to come back, i will know how much in the next couple of weeks.
The vans going tomorrow hopefully, so that's one less thing.
As far as the rent is concerned its the agent who is the point of contact, they where supposed to approach the owner and ask them the question about releasing us from the contract, but i have had nothing back as yet. Thank you for your offer with the letter Rad its much appreciated, i will let you know if i need a hand.
So its been another good day with a couple of weird bits thrown into the mix.
Let me know how today has treat you, good i hope, and its almost the weekend.
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

Your description of your half-speed moment up by the river was like a page from a novel. Brilliantly put. It sounds a little bit like this relaxed feeling you can get to through meditation. Being close to such beautiful nature can help you connect. I do sometimes think of the past and people I knew who are no longer here. There was a guy in the year below me at school who I quite liked. We came from the same part of London. I knew his sister too. Anyway he sadly died in a fire in his early 20s. He fell asleep with a joint and that must have dropped on the floor. I sometimes think about him. He could play 'the entertainer' by Scott Joplin on the piano. I loved listening to that. I'm pleased to hear you had that realisation that you have plenty to enjoy in life whatever happens financially. You are so right.

Promise you will push with the landlord, as saving 6 months rent will make a huge difference. Maybe follow up your talk with the agent with an email, so they can pass the email on. You deserve a break, and if you dont ask, you dont get. At least thats my experience in life.I won't say any more on that, I promise.

Thanks for reminding me not to over do it. I am pushing myself on as I always have in life. I did half the VAT, I will try and finish it off tomorrow after my appointment. But I put this small job for a client as the priority. I had this underlying doubt today. Not the doom you felt, just the feeling of some struggles ahead. As I said in a previous post, I think as the summer closes, and everyone returns to work, I will run out of things to earn on and the reality will kick in again. Well, one step at a time I remind myself, I've had several good developments this week and must keep that all in mind.

Sorry to hear you dont qualify for sickness benefit. That seems so unfair. You've paid in all those years and when you need a helping hand, the answer is no.

So I hope you get a good nights sleep Otterman and have another good day tomorrow. Catch up then, bring on the weekend.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Last night was a bit bad sleep wise, not down to anxiety but flys buzzing round and landing on my head, seems to be a lot of them about with this weather we have been having.
To be honest i have had the laziest day i have had for a long time, not done much at all. Sat and did some sudoku quizes, i find that they keep my mind sharp. Definitely lacking
any enthusiasm what so ever.
The bloke came to pick the van up at around 9.30 tonight, he came all the way up here from liverpool, i told him he wouldn't make it back home without it breaking down, but he still seemed happy with it! strange man
So thats my day, nice and quiet and relaxing, and the van has gone thank the lord.
Did your eye test go ok? and did you complete your vat return, i wouldn't worry too much about the deadline date for the vat, they can be quite lenient, and i always found them very approachable when i used to mess it up.
Hope you have had a good friday, and are winding down for the weekend.
All the best wishes, Otterman.