anxiety has taken over

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
And good evening, i think you have probably had a very busy couple of days, hope your ok
and enjoying your saturday.
I have had a much more productive day today,got lots of little jobs done, then got some good news from the tax man, i got quite a handsome rebate which has boosted the coffers for a couple of months.
Had some family over tonight, they have put there tent up in the back garden, and four of them are sleeping in there. I treat them to kebabs, pizza and alcohol. They have all gone to bed happy
The bloke that took the van managed to drive it all the way back down to liverpool without it breaking down, typical!! He sent me a text message thanking me for such a good bargain...
Today has been good to me, hope it has for you too, and you are managing to relax a bit, you deserve a bit of a rest after the busy week you have had.
Look forward to hearing from you,
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

My eye test was ok thanks. It showed no new developments since my check-up last year. But of interest to me was what the doctor said. My condition affects my right eye and I cant see clearly through it. On the retina, which is the surface at the back of the eye that has all the light sensors, I have little blisters, so the layer sticks up in parts. That means in those parts it is out of focus. I've had this for around 15 years. It is like someone smeared vaseline on my eye. the periphery is in focus, but the central view is blurred. Fortunately my left eye sees very well and the brain is smart. when both eyes are open it uses the correct info from the left eye Thank god.

Anyway, these little blisters are created by fluid leaking out of the capillaries below the retina. What the dr said - it is caused by steroids. For me not the gym steroids, but the cortisol - stress related. I never new that until yesterday, so it explains plenty. I have had many episodes of being over stressed, perhaps this terrible condition is all about that stress. My good left eye has a couple of blisters, but they have gone down and are on the periphery, not the central vision. If they ever appear in the centre, I will not be able to see. The blisters in my right eye went down, but they left scars, and that will never get better.

I dont worry about it as life is pretty normal. If it does get worse there are a few things they can do these days, but they are 50/50.

It was hot on the 50 min bus journey there and 50 back. I sat contemplating what awaits in the months ahead. It is so easy to slip back in to that negative way of thinking. What does one do when it happens? For me I try and push through it all and do something that takes me a step forward. I managed to get my VAT return done at last, hopefully avoiding the fine.

Today I spent hours with my partner figuring out holiday options. In the end we found an amazing deal. I hope it remains tomorrow. It says for one day only. Anyway, too tired to go through and book it.

I found this funny old website when I was searching around online earlier. eff-it-helps dot com. And its so close to what you were saying the other night. Take a look. I think I like their philosophy.

I am glad to hear your van is gone at last. It has been a nightmare for you. And taking it easy yesterday - what is wrong with that. Around here everyone is on holiday or going at a snails pace and enjoying this very rare summer.

Ive written too much as usual Otterman. I hope today has worked out well for you.

Take care and catch up tomorrow. Have a good Sunday and a better sleep tonight. Lets hope the flies are on holiday too.

Rad1.

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Good to hear your eyes aren't getting any worse, who would ever had thought that a side effect of stress could be that. But it does sounds like positive news.
I started to go long sighted at the age of about 45, now my eyes are terrible, and im so long sighted the only thing i can see clearly without my glasses is the moon

When i get in the negative way of thinking, like yourself its when my mind is in neutral and i have nothing to occupy it, and off it goes, its still happening now on and off during the day but doesn't cause me the anxiety like before. I just tell myself, ear we go again and just ride through it, im determined not to let it bring me down.

Great you have your eye on a holiday for you guys, you well deserve a break away from it all, it will make a huge difference to the way you have been feeling i'm sure. It must be one of the best remedies in the world for de stressing there is.

Forgot to take my fluox today, i normally take it first thing, but didn't remember until tea time, don't think it will upset the apple cart too much though.

I had a good night last night, managed to keep the flys out of the bedroom by putting it on lock down, doors and windows shut, made it a little stuffy in there but no flys
Today has been good, had to put a new battery on the car, this used to be a simple job, but now with the technology i ended up stripping half the engine bay out just to get to the dam thing!
Cooked a sunday roast for me and the wife, roast shoulder of lamb with all the trimmings. Perfect..

I started to wonder today what happened to all the hobbies i used to have, i had so many, i used to collect stamps, coins, was a bird watcher, played guitar,pot holing motorbike, and i was even a bell ringer at one point. I need to start doing something again to keep the old grey stuff active.


I remember something really profound my science teacher said at school that seems to have stuck in my head all these years, he was discussing the universe and the infinite consequences of the smallest action we make, he also said for all we know our universe could be a single cell in a giants finger.. Still messes with my head now so thanks for that Mr Dennison..
Now i'm rambling again, weekend over and back to the daily strife. Looking forward to hearing from you..
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

I agree with what you say about the negative thinking, that kicks in when there isn't much to occupy the mind. On holiday - that might be quite a challenge. I think I can give myself permission to stop it for a week though. I think all your hobbies are a good idea. The little pleasures in life are important and yes, keeping the mind exercised is sensible for sure.

I had a mixed Sunday, cleaning at my sister's office again, a little outing to the park and back home for a bbq. I really enjoyed the change from cooking in doors and it was tasty.

Today, the heat continues (Monday). I had a tough morning with tech issues on a website (not my fault), but its been non stop all day trying to fight the fire. Its the client's fault for not renewing a service in time.

My daughter and partner will go away for a couple of weeks on Weds, to her mums who is unwell. I better crack on with work. I hope your day has been good.

Catch up later,
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
The good news is the heat is going to recede over the next few days, by wednesday it should be much cooler down there, the cool air has already arrived up here, ive even had to dig my quilt back out.
When i had my business i had to pay a premium for a www. web sight address, but had to pay it on time yearly otherwise it all went to pop.
A couple of weeks on your own! maybe a good thing and will allow you to concentrate more not having to look after everyone. I hope your partners mum is going to be ok and its nothing too serious.
Sounds like you get some therapy from cleaning your sisters office, jobs like that take your mind away from the thoughts that burrow into our brains. You mentioned a BBQ, that reminds me i need to buy one for down at the van, i miss having them and you reminded me how much i used to enjoy them
I have had a fairly good day today, had to take the wife to the doctors for a change, she suffers from really bad asthma attacks and her meds where not working. All sorted now though, and shes much better. The doctor asked how i was and how the house move was going, i thing i just groaned out loud.
Hope your day has been productive and your not stressing yourselves too much. Did you book the holiday that you found? it will give you something to look forward to.
That's all for now,speak again soon.
All the best wishes, Otterman..

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Don't know whats been wrong with me today, just felt so exhausted, slept ok last night but felt shattered from the word go, dont feel down or anything like that but i just really cant be bothered.
Had to fix new car this morning, it was making a rattling noise, a censor on the manifold had come loose, just needed tightening up, any noise now and i fear the worst.
Highlight of the day was taking the dogs out for a nice long walk in the woods, very peaceful and cool.
The wife has booked the last week in august off work so it looks like that's when we will be moving, i have got a contingency plan in place to pay the contract up on the rent if they cant find another tenant before we are out.
Early night for me i think, hope things are going ok at your end, i know your busy.
Catch up later..
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

It’s been hectic. Trying to juggle childcare with work is never easy. I’ve had my 7 y/o daughter home with me quite a bit this past week. Lovely to see h r, but demanding and distracting. I’ve had people chasing me for things. I’m behind on what I promised. So as soon as I drop her and my partner at Heathrow tomorrow, I’m going to have to focus.

I’m pleased for you that August is penciled in for your move. I hope u r going to have a positive outcome with your house rental. Let me reply more fully when I get my time back. I noticed my flat tummy is bulging ever so slightly again, pleased to see that!

Take care Otterman, catch up soon
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Late for me tonight. I have been thinking, i don't have any goals left in my life apart from a roof over my head and food on the table, i used to set my sights very high in the past and always strived to get the best of everything for my family. I worked very long hours weekends included. Now years later i wish i had adopted a different approach and maybe not had my foot on the gas constantly.
I think the main reason i have been so ill mentally is simply because im totally burnt out, my wife says i dont need another job, and her wage will cover the bills, but i need to be earning a living, cant just do nothing after 40 years of work!
Hope you are getting on with things a bit better, i presume your partner and daughter have gone away now.
Just don't overdo it my friend, its easy for me to say i know, but i have been in your shoes in the past, and its hard.
Message me when you can, no rush.
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

So my partner and daughter arrived safely and seem to be having a nice time. It is suddenly very quiet at home. I went out last night to have a beer with my good friend and as usual got invited back to his to have dinner. He and his wife are so kind and generous. He knows whats going on with me and is always so supportive and friendly. Finished off with a large glass of Rum to celebrate my meeting (see below). My sisters dog slept at a friends house as he doesn't deal well with being left alone. He barks for hours. I got him back and have just had a nice walk with him in the light rain. He is now snoring on a rug next to my bed and I am glad to have his company. I had another good meeting yesterday and am given another small project for a client. Not long-term but there may be more. Every little helps, both financially and more importantly mentally. I get a bit of belief in myself back, and something to be positive about. Little steps.

Otterman, I'd say getting food on the table and a roof over your head are two big challenges after what you have been through. And the way you worked like a slave all your life shows what youu sacrificed for your family. Another challenge for you is to work on yourself and get better. Carry on with the counselling. Talk about the way you are feeling and the reasons that you think are behind it. As you feel more stable, you are in a better place to process what has happened. You will find new opportunities. Give yourself time to settle in to your new home. And what about the hobbies you mentioned. I am considering adult education, learning new skills for coding. I wonder if there is anything available near you that would be good. It is good your wife is willing to let you take it easy. But after 40 years of graft that transition will take time. I bet soon enough you will be feeling much better and ready to see if there are any jobs out there. Perhaps as a start point a part-time job. Maybe a morning or two in a local charity shop, or helping some elderly locals. And as you feel better looking for something to meet be on to. Staying at home all day can make one isolated.

Until tomorrow, take care. Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
I don't think i have said this before, but thank you for all your support over the last few months, it really has made a huge impact on my recovery, and i am truly grateful for all your kind advice and words
Its funny how sometimes fate brings people together, in rather random situations like our own, makes you kind of wonder what higher power there may be, just moving us all round like chess pieces on a board.
I was getting a bit profound there for a moment. Today has been a productive day for me and enjoyable too. Moved all my tools and engineering gear out of the garage and up to my son in laws house, hard work, and i think i have used some muscles i haven't used for quite a while.
Got my cheque from HMRC and paid it straight into my bank, also got another letter from them saying there would be another cheque for 2017/2018 tax over payments, and my wife got a letter informing her she has a rise on her wage.
I am back down in yorkshire tomorrow for the big summer BBQ at our friends, and stopping over night. Get to see my mum, daughter, and son plus grand kids on sunday before coming home.

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction as far as getting to clients on board, it must as you said boost your confidence no end to be moving forward again and leaving those dark clouds of despair behind you. You are quite amazing to have turned things around in such a short space of time, and you have my admiration.
Its good you still have your sisters dog to keep you company, and that your partner and daughter are enjoying there break, its also good that you have friends that understand you and give you not only friendship but support (and free food lol)
I have decided im going to be a philanthropist, and just fill my mind with books and knowledge, and maybe even learn to spell along the way
Im looking forward to my weekend, hope you have a good one too.
Catch up tomorrow if i can work my phone,
All the best wishes, Otterman.