anxiety has taken over

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sounds like you had the day from hell to me, its a testament to your inner strength being able to go through your day and come out the other side. Its one of the worst things about this illness having to pretend your ok to people, it completely wares you out.
Hopefully your partner enjoyed her birthday..

It sounds like you are suffering the same kind of thoughts as i am, especially the people envy thing! I know exactly what you mean. Everybody in the world seems to be better off than you, and go about there daily business without a care in the world, it all seems so unfair.
But what we have to remember is the fact its a chemical malfunction in our minds and we are going to get better no matter how long it takes.
I feel most of the time that i have somehow managed to trigger some invisible self distruct button and im going to eventually end up living in a bus shelter with nothing and no one..The brain can definitely be your own worst enemy for sure.
Anyway i hope you managed to get some decent sleep last night, i managed about 5 hours with the sleeping pill.
Day 25 of the floux, woke up this morning around 4 covered in sweat again and in panic, then the thoughts started to race through my head as they always seem to at that time. Must have dosed off again for a while and woke up at 6.30 in exactly the same state!
I have been using the beta blockers today as the doctor prescribed them, 3 daily, so i haven't been too bad today to be fair, not had the prickly sensation in my neck and arms, so that's a bonus. Still having lots of negative thoughts with very little in the line of positive ones.
Just wish the clouds would roll back and i could be me again just for an hour or so..
Anyway, im sure we will beat this eventually, just got to keep going with the meds although it sucks.
And i do know it feels like a very lonely road at times, its good you have a sister you can chat to, that must help a great deal.
Well im off to try and eat something, so catch you later, and remember its just the chemicals messing with us.
All the best Otterman.

[Rad1]

Cheers for your supportive message Otterman, it’s nice to be able to share the reality with you. We understand each other. Somehow last night I slept ok, I did wake up, but I made a promise to myself to give myself a break from the worry at night. I remember years ago when I had a bad anxiety period for similar reasons, I used to ‘hang up’ the worries on a peg on the back of my door, and tell them I’d see them tomorrow. It worked last night, maybe it will again tonight. I think you deserve a peaceful night too.

I sadly had a very low day today, despite the sleep. Everything took 3 x as long to do, and I had little motivation to be productive. It really was hard to take. But the inner strength came out and I collected my girl from school, did spelling practice and took her to ballet lesson, which I can’t afford but will find it somehow. Then I went to this yoga centre where they teach meditation and positive thinking. We were taught about affirmations. That’s when you say something positive like, ‘I am going to get through this’ and ‘I have great skills and can recover’ etc etc. by saying it out loud, ur inner mind starts to hear it and if u keep doing it every morning, it can start to replace the negative thoughts in your head. I’ve plenty of negative ones to kick out. It sounds over the top, but it also seems valid. I’m going to make a list of them. I started the breathing and meditation a few weeks back to try and tame the brain, it’s a kind of nice relief to sit quietly with eyes shut, breathing deeply and focusing on say a candle. I have managed to get some relief in bad moments. I bet your laughing at the thought

I hope you get another good rest, and a more positive time tomorrow. We are due a bit of peace and quiet

How is the van coming along? Any progress.
Cheers, Rad1

[Roseessa]

Hi,
I was just wondering first how are you?
Secondly did the zopiclone work for you?

[otterman]

Hello Roseessa,
Struggling a bit today with some bad side effects from the fluoxetine meds.
How are you today? good i hope. You ask if the zopiclone works for me? the answer is yes to a certain extent, i take it an hour before i go to bed and have been getting 5 to 6 hours sleep. Before i started taking them i was lucky to get a couple of hours, problam is im down to my last couple and they are addictive so the doctor probably won't give me anymore. Also i read somewhere that your body becomes used to them and they stop working after a while.
Hope this helps, and good luck..
Best wishes, Otterman.

---------- Post added at 17:44 ---------- Previous post was at 17:13 ----------

Hi Rad,
It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to do things, three times as long or even ten times. The thing is you are doing them which is great.
Sounds like you got a decent nights sleep, good idea hanging your problems up. Im dreading running out of sleeping pills, its the only peace i get from my nagging thoughts.

I have spent most of my life with a back up plan in case the wheels ever fell off! Well this time the wheels have fallen off and i have no back up plan. This is how i seem to be wired up, im constantly trying to think my way out of my situation but cant, and round and round it goes.
You made me smile when you told me about your meditation, what ever works for you has to be good. I don't get enough quiet time to do that, i have two dogs to look after that bark at there own shadows!
Anyway its day 26 i think, had 6 hours sleep, woke up the usual way cold sweat and anxious.. Got straight up and had my meds 30 mins later felt ok, then it all went down hill.
You asked me about my van? well i picked it up on saturday, did about 60 miles over the weekend and yesterday no problem. Got in it this morning to go down to he caravan reversed off the drive and no power, stuck on tick over. Pulse through the roof, Adrenalin burning through my body, you can imagine..Not quite full panic but it was close.
Drove it at 10mph round to garage, hes had a look at it and told me i have bought a pile of rubbish. He rang me this afternoon to tell me he had fixed it and took me out for a test drive, half mile up the road it cut out again. Im at my whits end with it, ended up leaving it with him to have another look.
Rang the garage i bought it from and the bloke was just full of bull, the warranty people keep saying we will ring you back and never do. I dont know.
I think if everything had gone to plan today i would have had a half decent one, but as it stands now im exhausted with it all, rocks, crawling and dying spring to mind.
Tomorrow really has to be better.
Hope you had a decent one..
All the best Otterman

[Roseessa]

Hi,
Thanks for replying.
Oh that is bad.
In a lot of pain today sadly but just had 2 lots of morphine so that should be kicking in soon.
Yeah, I was just wondering as I was given zopiclone and it didn't work so seeing if it does for others and how well. They gave it me due to going 4-5 days without sleep so now they want to try another pill.
Glad it works for you though .
Yes they can be addictive and they ask you to do a while off and then you can go back on them if needs be but they mainly use it to get your body in a sleep schedule.

[Rad1]

hi Otterman,

That story about your van - it is so upsetting. When you are on edge and also every penny counts, its so very very hard to take. I can only send my message of support to you. That garage sound like total cheats. I hope you get some justice Otterman, you deserve to. I can imagine you are stuck at home when you need to be down the caravan.

Its an awful way to wake up, cold sweat and anxious. I wake up with a dread, and honestly dont know what to do - lie in bed and try to relax, or get up. In the end there comes a time when I must get up and do breakfast for my daughter. It sounds like we are both struggling over the past days. Its the worse feeling to feel that life is going down the pan or as you say 'wheels are coming off'. Today after dropping my daughter at school, I forced myself to get on with work, which is at my computer. Again, very hard to concentrate, but started by haggling down my household insurance by £200. They always stick the price up on renewal. My heart sank and luckily the insurers where actually very nice.

I got hot today at my desk, like sweats. And I had moments of total negativity where I just lay my forehead on the desk and almost cried. I wish I could. But I did my breathing and said some positive affirmations, and yes it worked a bit. I started to wonder if the extra med dosage I am taking is giving me extra anxiety. But as the day went on, I felt like I accomplished things. I met my partner and daughter in the park for a picnic in the warm evening sun. It was nice and empty. I bumped in to a lovely friend I hadn't seen for 2 years. The sort of friend you can feel comfortable with even if you are not great. Anyway, I went home and for about 1 and a half hours, I felt myself and managed smiles and it felt amazing. I hope the serotonin levels are up which would mean the meds might be starting to work. I prey they are. Anyway, Im fairly calm tonight. I think its like you Otterman, your wife saying that you were back for a bit the other day.

I have also been anticipating something like this for most of my unorthodox life, in recent years things were looking up. My plan B is fragile. I am hoping I can start to feel back to myself so I can take big challenges that lay ahead. I need to feel more positive to stand a chance, get my confidence back. Anyway, I feel like a wounded animal in the wild.

I prey that we both get some good hours tomorrow. That would give hope.

Get the Nytols in as plan B. And I promise you - relaxation on youtube, you must give it a go. I bet even for 30 mins you would be able to rest up.

Take care Otterman. PS lovely to have dogs to be with. I look after my sisters sometimes and its comforting.
Rad1

[Rad1]

hi Otterman,
Im before you today. I hope you had a better day today. I cracked on with some work and after a shaky start, felt encouraged. Then I heard some very bad news about a client who is set to leave me. Its been my main bread and butter money for 8 years, and known them for 18 years! Anyway, I knew it was coming, but its possibly a month or two sooner than I had hoped. Somehow I already started to accept this, but it did upset me to hear that I was discussed by the new boss in an unfavourable way. Anyway, tonight I cooked dinner for the family, had a nice time with my daughter and Im lying here about to chill down. I have a meeting tomorrow in the West End (London). I have to get on a crowded tube in the heat and then look confident at the meeting with a few others. Im not reporting, just invited to attend. I prey I get some good rest tonight. I have a feeing it will result in a bit of a bad restless night.

Take care Otterman, sleep well. I think you said you have a Dr appointment tomorrow?
Maybe mistaken.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
You sound like you had quite a positive day yesterday, good on you bartering the insurance down, you actually reminded me i have to sort the caravan insurance out before i move in.
Your picnic sounds like just the the thing you needed to lift your spirits, and meeting a good old friend was a bonus for you too.
I think your right about the downer you had at your computer, it probably is the increase to your meds thats causing it, i think it will all settle down in a couple of weeks for us both, hopefully.
Im back at the doctors again in the morning, and again i probably won't know what to say to her, its very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it just how it feels, which as you know is quite horrific at its worst. Hopefully i am past that point now.
Had some good news this morning, one of my garden sheds arrived at the caravan(in kit form of course) borrowed the wifes car and spent the day putting it together, so my mind was fully occupied for at least 4 hours and like yourself yesterday i was me for a while.. Maybe we are turning the corner! hope so.
Its day 27 for me today, still woke up covered in sweat, but the bonus was i wasn't as anxious as i have been since i started taking the fluoxetine.
Went to check on the progress of my van this afternoon, its working again but he cant find the problem thats causing it, i took it for a run and it seemed ok, when i got back he was mumbling about checking something else on it, then two more customers came into the waiting area and i just started to panic, had to leave there and then it was really strange and not nice at all, once i was outside i was fine, this hasn't happened to me before and was very unnerving. Bet the bloke wondered where i had gone..
I will go back tomorrow, pick it up, pay him for his time, try to move some furniture, break down again and repeat the whole process! Or maybe it is fixed? Positive thoughts.
All in all its not been two bad a day, more good than bad, worst part by far was my blip at the garage.
Hope you have had a good day Rad.
Wishing you happiness Otterman.

---------- Post added at 21:20 ---------- Previous post was at 21:07 ----------

Hi again,
Think our posts crossed over there,awful news about your client, there doesnt seem to be much loyalty anymore where people are concerned, sighn of the changing times.

Be big on the inside tomorrow and use that inner strength of yours and im sure you will be fine.
The heat is a big problem for everyone that works at the moment, But at least the tubes are air conditioned..
Hope you do get a good nights rest, and good luck for tomorrow.
All the best wishes Otterman.

[Rad1]

Cheers Otterman, it is nice to have some positive words of encouragement. I think I will handle the meeting OK, I feel I can get through a few hours. As long as I get some sleep
The client kicking me out is due to a change of the big boss. Thats what happened to me a few times in the past with others. I cant really be angry with them, but it has set all this panic off hence my anxiety, which has also made me depressed. I have no choice but to face it. I hope I (and you) are on the mend, would be timely.

Your shed sounds good, I like the idea of your caravan. Sounds like a nice place to settle down. It also sounds like your day was far better than recent days which is really positive.
Cheers, Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Hope your day went well,and you managed to get through your meeting ok.
Got a decent nights sleep last night, woke up as usual sweating and had to get up and take my meds before my mind had chance to start racing.
Went to doctors at 9am, she gave me another weeks supply of my sleeping pills but said just take one if i really need to, my wife went with me, she has been very supporting through all this.
Got back home, wife went to work so i decided to have a walk to the garage to see how the van was doing. When i got there it was rammed out with people waiting for there cars, that was enough, turned round and came straight home.
Not been great today, felt on a constant downer, i didnt help myself as i rang the bloke who i bought the van off and lost my temper with him and hung up.
Went down to the caravan late this afternoon when my wife got home, finished the roof off on the shed and hopefully get it finished tomorrow and the washer and dryer down there at the weekend.
I really need to start getting my head together, cant seem to cope with any interaction with the outside world at the moment.
Day 28 today, felt much better yesterday than today.
Hope you are doing ok.
Best wishes Otterman.