anxiety has taken over

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

Good the dr gave you more sleepers, as a reserve. Sounds like a rough day. But at least posivity at the end as you did the shed roof. I did my meeting ok. I’ve lost a lot of weight and wondered if anyone would comment. They didn’t. It was all very friendly. My brain wasn’t in gear and I felt out of my depth to be honest. Listening to the other 4 i realised how much out of my depth I am. Not good for confidence but then again I’m pleased I handled myself ok.

I was so tired after, I did a food shop trying to find the bargains. We spend way over what is now going to be viable. My partner carries on buying quality items and it worries. Switching back doesn’t seem like her priority. If I raise it it causes friction and upset. I believe in a good diet, but if possible via the bargains.

I tried to sleep for a bit this afternoon but got overwhelmed with anxiety and had a lump in my throat. But I had a good end to the day, I bought a lovely bike for my girl. I found it on eBay. A bargain. Picked it up a few miles away and she was ever so happy to try it out before bedtime. Her little face lifted me. I told my brother in law about the lump in my throat all afternoon, which was down to anxiety. He commented that I should ‘live in the moment,’ not be so fearful of what may never happen. And he’s probably right, but it’s hard not to be anxious with my position. That anxiety makes me feel I won’t be able to cope.

I hope you get through the day much better tomorrow. I will do my utmost to do the same. It’s very tiring and sad, but we will hopefully be calmer and happier in ourselves before long. Keep your chin-up Otterman.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sounds like things went ok for you yesterday apart from the anxiety when you where trying to have a nap, the anxiety always gets me if i try and have a sleep during the day, so i just avoid it now.
Your partner spending too much money sounds very familiar to me too.
Day 29 today, i have noticed a pattern emerging today,first thing on a morning i feel terrible, really anxious, an hour later after my tablets i settle down for a couple of hours, then later in the afternoon through to about tea time im very anxious and this is the part of the day i get the prickly skin on my arms and neck, tea time until bed time im at my best.
Picked up the van today, mt mechanic said to take it and try it for a couple of days if its ok, i will have to pay him, if it does it again he says i dont owe him anything, which seems fair to me.
I have ordered a new engine wiring harness, im going to fit it myself, i used to build bus engines so i have some idea what im doing.
I only drove the van back to my house half a mile at the most, then went in the car back down to the caravan, its so peaceful down there, i cant wait to get in full time. Got some friends coming to stop tomorrow night, im in charge of cooking a curry for them, i may even have a beer, i haven't had any alcohol for over three weeks now, think thats a record for me.
I finished my shed and painted it, i have a steel one been delivered on monday, once i have that up i can move all my tools and garage stuff down.
Im waffling lol..
Hope you have had a good day today Rad,
Best wishes Otterman..

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,
Another week over, another load of horrible moments. But today sounds better for you. I think curry tomorrow and a beer sounds like something to look forward to. And it’s nice to hear about you loving the caravan. Very positive.

I had a tough start as usual, I found it hard to get going. I woke at 5am with the planes going over, I live under a flight path. They’ve been absent for a week due to wind direction. I had counselling at 11.30 which I spent some time preparing for. I scribbled notes about things I went through as a child and then young man starting out in life. I think some of those things have contributed to my anxiety over the years, and they certainly shaped my unorthodox journey. So for an hour my therapist helped me draw those conclusions and it’s all helpful in working things out for me. This latest threat to my financial security has brought it all back. I tried a nap after but again I jumped as I tried to rest, like the nightmare started playing in my head. I hate that. I tidied up lots and we had a nice evening in the garden. I want the house to be ready fir my partners sister, boys and husband, who will stay next week. They are nice, but it’s going to be full on and expensive. I believe I can hide my state and get the other side. I don’t think they would get it. I’ prefer they don’t know about my last month of hell as they might see it as a weakness. I suppose it is, but not of my chosing.

I have my sisters dog tomorrow which is a treat. I’m very fond of him, it really does feel like a mans best friend right now. I hope your van is sorted, and you gets good rest tonight. enjoy a nice beer tomorrow and feel like your usual self for a bit.

I’m preying the worry calms down again. I need to complete some difficult work and will try and focus for a few hours, then watch the footy.

Cheers,
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
The idea of planes flying over constantly makes me anxious just thinking about it, but if its what you are used to i dont suppose its not a big issue. Sounds like your counselling went well and you seem to be very positive.
You will probably enjoy the company of your partners family next weekend, i was dreading my friends coming up today, but now the are here and i have fed them its time to relax and i have just opened a can of beer for the first time in three weeks.
Its day 30, woke up at 5 this morning, but didn't get up until 7.30 kept sleeping for 15 minuet intervals and waking with a start four or five times, before giving up and getting out of bed.
Not been too bad this afternoon, watched england beet sweden wich was nice, cooked tea and now watching russia v croatia with my childhood best friend, they know about my illness so i don't have to pretend which is good. The first thing he remarked on was the amount of weight i have lost which to be fair is about a stone and half.
Went out in the van and didn't break down! first time for everything.
Enjoy looking after your sisters dog, they are so good for the soul, its surprising what difference just petting a dog can do for stress.
Try not to get too sressed about financial matters, once your on the mend im sure you can turn things around, you sound like you can be very determined to achieve your goals, its just at the moment you probably cant see that, but its true.
Hang in there and wait for the meds to start working, they will sooner or later. Lets just hope its sooner for us.
Hope you have had a good start to the weekend today Rad..
All the best, and cheers Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,
I’m Pleased you enjoyed this afternoon. I too liked the England win. I had a bad night. It was very hot and I sleep in the loft which is the warmest room in my home. I was soaked in sweat. And then my partner got up and opened the velux at 2.30! Slept little with constant ruminating which scrutinized all my money worries and by the time I got up at 8, I was really feeling negative and anxious. Tried to lay down but kept waking in a jump. I started to be calm and relaxed after the footi, did a roast, went for a walk with my sisters dog which was nice. Now I’m setting down for the night. I too am hoping that the meds take hold soon. I recall they did around 6 weeks last time. Most advice and many taking them say 4 to 6 weeks. This time Im up against it more with life, I hope meds can cover that extra anxiety and fear. It really is a struggle. I figure the best days are when I am forced to stay busy. I am wondering if I should make myself work tomorrow. Not what I want, but perhaps that will give me a sense of achievement and a sign I’m moving on. I am also wondering if the proper relief will be me earning again which feels like a big battle for me. Sometimes when I struggle with the anxiety, I think how on earth can I work in this state or even think about looking for a new client or job. I’m going to be kind to myself and give another few weeks to let the meds kick in.

I want to give myself a day off worry tomorrow if I can. Fingers crossed.

Hope all good tonight for you Otterman. And tomorrow you get a nice time at your Caravan.
Thanks for your positive words in you post above.
Cheers!
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Hopefully this heat wave will break this week and we can all get a bit of relief. Its really difficult to sleep when you feel like your on fire.
I think you are doing the right thing taking some extra time off work, you need to be well before you throw yourself back in. Keep plodding along and let time be the healer(plus the meds of course)
Hope you had your worry free day, its about time we had a bit of a break from it all.
Well today is day 31 and into week five, i can honestly say that today has been my worst day yet! Anxiety from the word go with no real let up.. Im hoping its the fluox reaching its maximum in my system that's causing it.
I think the three pints of beer i had last night didn't help me one bit so as from today im back on the wagon until i start to feel like myself again, which hopefully will be soon.
Had to sleep with no zopiclone last night as i had a drink, and only managed a couple of hours of interrupted sleep, then just before dawn my brain went into overdrive and my pulse was double time, had to take a beta blocker which calmed me down after about half an hour or so.
Managed to get my washing machine and tumble dryer down to the caravan and tucked away in the shed, that was my accomplishment for the day.
Im going to give the fuox another couple of weeks, if i don't see any change at all for the better, i think i should maybe try something else as this is getting really bad.
I do hope you got a decent nights sleep, doesn't seem like too much to ask really.
Keep chipping away for the moment, better days must be just round the corner.
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

I’m sorry you suffered badly today. It’s like I felt yesterday. It is exausting. As per my post yesterday, I started to question the meds effectiveness. But I will give it more time.

Today I managed to give up the worry fairly well. I kept busy cleaning and food shopping. Each time a bad thought appeared I said, not today I’m gonna get the best out of today. My worry side will say I’m sticking my head in the sand, my kind side - it won’t help worrying the whole weekend, take time off and try to forget for the day. As My sisters dog was not allowed in the shop, I was not at the till for payment, I gave my card to my partner instead, and didn’t ask what the total was. I did start to get that sinking feeling outside, but did deep breathing and got through it. My daughter and I ended the day on a high. I helped her with her school project which she was overly stressed by. She calmed down and I was her rock. And it gave me enormous satisfaction. The other day she was proud to introduce a school mate to me, this is my dad. I felt like she was proud and it lifted me.

So today was that much better day that I so badly needed. And for you it was a shocker. It’s all so cruel this anxiety. I know Monday’s tend to be my nightmare day. I’m going to keep busy as I can, show myself I can keep going.

I agree about the heat, it makes sleep harder, makes you feel irritable in the day. I would love a few warm days and nights instead! I think you counselling starts soon Otterman, something to give hope. I think 3 pints would definitely give me a downer, and I hope you bounce back tomorrow. Keep chipping away at your tasks with the caravan. I’m pushing the food down, trying to stop the huge weight loss. Exercising is the last thing I want to do, but I keep reading it’s so helpful in controlling anxiety and depression. I’m not keen to burn more calories! But I am going to try to do some in the next few days. 8 weeks ago I was running 10km regularly. I didn’t stop my breakdown. But perhaps it will make me feel better if I get jogging again, just fir 10 mins. Each breath out, I will imagine all that negativity being released.

Anyways, I am rambling now! I hope you get a good night, or if you don’t, you stay calm and try taking deeper breaths. It does help me get back to earth most of the time. And fingers crossed you have a good’n tomorrow. Take care and keep going Otterman. You will get better, believe me.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Thanks for your kind words of support yesterday, they made me feel a little less lost.
Good you had a much better day yesterday, i think the key is to keep busy, i find if i'm constantly doing things i have less time to dwell on my problems.
I think its a shame that children are put under so much pressure nowadays, my grandchildren have the same stress with piles of homework and so on.
You mentioned exercise, i dont think it will do you any arm to take it easy for a good few weeks, you can always build your fitness levels back up gradually, Like you said we should try and hang on to the calories and not burn them off.
It was only a couple of months ago i cleared out all the clothes that were too small for me, now im left with clothes that look ridiculously large on me.
Day 32 today, completely different day to yesterday, only a small amount of anxiety during the day, still woke up at 5.30 in a sweaty panic, but managed to get back to sleep till 7.30 the most sleep i have had for over a month.
I'm seeing the councillor tomorrow at 2pm, i'm feeling quite positive about it.
I have kept myself busy again today, painting, and at lunch time my steel shed arrived which i have started putting together.
I think its weird how we can have such contrasting days one after the other, all i can say is that the meds must be starting to work, fingers crossed hey?
Hope you had a good one today, the cooler air is moving south as i type, it been much cooler in the north today, bliss actually.
All the best wishes Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,
So pleased to hear you had a decent day, it’s just what you needed. I also chucked out my small shirts and trousers a few months back, and about 3 inches have gone off my waist. I couldn’t lose the love handles no matter how hard I exercised, now they’ve gone I miss them. Yes the cooler weather came tonight, I’m so happy. Warm is all I like, not 30c. I hope it helps with sleep. I slept without a nytol on Saturday, but last night I could not get to sleep and caved in about 1am. Only got intermittent sleep, but after school run, lay on my bed for an hour listening to a relaxation on YouTube. The cool breeze through the open window felt so nice, like I was on holiday. I struggled with the tasks in hand at work, but made some progress. My brain was working at 65%, I will take that, better than the 50% over the previous weeks. I managed to keep the worrying down today again there were sad moments where I am in touch with reality, but this time last week I had a shocker. I have a couple of challenges tomorrow re work requests. I’m hoping this purple patch continues. Relatives Wednesday Then a meeting on Thursday.

If I crack all those things and keep busy, I think I will be on the up. But it could easily go back to the same as last week, so keeping grounded.

Good luck tomorrow Otterman, I think it’s important to talk with someone outside of your family and friends. It gives a better perspective. Maybe you have some inkling about what’s sparked all this off. It will be good to share that privately.

Catch up tomorrow, take care.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sounds to me like you may be turning a corner which is great news, your week sounds like its going to be pretty busy. Its a good thing too that you are managing to do some work, just don't over do it, and enjoy your time with the family when they come to stay.
Day 33, still waking in a panic but the sweating seems to be easing off a little, wide awake at 5.30, dosed off again for an hour then up.. Today has by far been the best day for me so far, apart from going to the wrong place for my therapy, i went to my local surgery and was horrified to find it closed for the afternoon, rang the phone number on the door and was told my appointment was 4 miles away at there other surgery!
Somehow managed to get there only 6 minuets late in a bit of a fluster. My session went really well i got lots off my chest and feel better for it. I told them all the stressful things that have happened to me in the last five years, and especially between Christmas and now, shutting my business, moving to another part of the country, trying to do a heavy manual job for 4 weeks until i was completely exhausted with the twelve hour night shifts. He said it was a testament to my character that i lasted this long without some sort of episode. Hes booked me another appointment for a week on monday to check my progress.
Not had to take any beta blockers today which is good, and overall i would say its getting better, less side effects, and i have had an appetite today for the the first time in ages.
But like yourself i know there will probably be some more bad days to come, but hopefully we are turning the corner.
Hope your have had another decent day today,
Keep me posted,
All the best wishes Otterman.