anxiety has taken over

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

I ended up working late and sat on my bed and leant over a fell asleep, so no
Post yesterday, the first I missed! The meeting went really well. I was the right man for what they need. Suddenly after all this self doubt I felt back to confident. It won’t earn me much but it is the best medicine I could have. It gives me a glimmer of hope. It’s important to remember the experience and skills we have and not just the ones we don’t have.
Today I cracked on and worked on some more things. Still had my moments, but calm. And I spent some time listening to a radio podcast online called Hilarious depression. It’s a series of interviews with American celebrities, who’ve had anxiety and or depression. It’s really interesting to hear other stories and to see that these public figures are just the same as us.

I’m calm tonight but weary. I like weekends more than weekdays. I’m pleased but underneath there is the doubt bubbling around. I’m not sure what’s ahead this next few days.

I like puntos. I had a Fiat uno many years ago. It will be great to get your freedom back. The sleep pills - I think now is the time to take that on. They have done their job and got you through horrendous insomnia and anxiety. Those side effects will have gone. But sure underlying anxiety is still with us but you will be able to get your sleep back. Be calm and not annoyed if you wake up and struggle to get back to sleep. Do long deep breathing. Do the tensing muscles and relaxing. It will help you lose any tension and calm you down if needed.

I will read your post later. Take care Otterman.
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Great news, im chuffed for you, i new you would do well.
We do have a tendency to underestimate ourselves sometimes, then surprise ourselves when we do well.
We do have experience and skills developed over the years, and life skills that you just have to learn as you go along, theres no hand book for that.
Yes the anxiety is still sneaking about in the background, i have felt it a couple of times today, im putting it down to my bad night. Went to bed at 10.30 no zoplicone, still looking at the clock at 2am so i ended up taking a pill, must have dropped off about 3am and had to get up at 7am because of the panicky state i was in, once i was up i was fine.
I'm going to get some nytol and give that a go, i cant afford to go back to not sleeping as i think that will really set me back.
Slowly getting closer to moving down to the caravan, got rid of some more furniture over the last couple of days.
I have learnt one big thing since i joined nmp all the people on the sight are survivors and that includes the two of us.
The situation with the van is, i have cancelled the insurance, and put a sorn on it with the dvla. Not had anything from the con man i bought it from.
You have ended your week on a positive high note, dont let your brain chemistry spoil it for you, enjoy your weekend, and speak later.
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Today has been a good day for me, i have had quite a few good thoughts and not too many dark moments at all.
I have been busy though from the word go, think that is the key to keeping the monster in the box. Only problem with that is you do have to rest, and that's when it creeps back up on you.
Picked my little car up this morning, and despite my negative thoughts telling me i would break down on the way home and so on, but no, it drove fine.
We are going on a road trip next weekend down yorkshire for two nights, visit all my family down there, i am looking forward to it which is good for me.
Hope your having a good weekend and managing to chill a bit.
Catch up later.
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

It is so nice to hear you had a good day! Keeping busy also means you are able to function well. How nice that the little car works fine, fingers crossed etc

I had a pretty good day. I enjoyed taming my garden . It is tiny, about 5m x 7m, but in London I’m glad to have any outside space. The Ivy has gone crazy plus the weeds have taken over. I cut and then filled 2.5 bin bags. Tomorrow we have neighbours coming for tea and I wanted it to look nice. I forgot how enjoyable it is to work on it and then sit down and appreciate it.

Tonight I went to my friends house for dinner. I’ve known him more than 20 years. He cooked a delicious meal and we drank a bottle of special wine I’d kept for 15 years! It really was a treat. 2 of his children were with us, one has finished university and the other the first year of it. I clearly remember when they were born! So I felt really normal tonight. It gives me confidence that I’m able to enjoy my moments again. Tomorrow I will visit my mum as she has a builder coming to price up some work and wants me to talk with him.

I hope we both continue the better times.
Cheers,
Rad1

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman, I’m early tonight, so you will have 2 of my posts to read. (See above).

It’s been ok most of today, but I’m getting tired and it’s early evening. I cycled 30 mins to see my mother. I used to do the same cycle route for work every day for 10 years, all weathers. So it was nostalgic for me. I haven’t done that route on a bike for about 5 years. I had many good times working with someone Who lived opposite my office. We went our own ways when we lost a very big uk client. It was fantastic times, we used to chat openly about what we had been up to on weekends, both single, him being recently divorced. He was like an older brother to me. We worked for about 12 years together, most days. I’m looking back lots recently, at the twisting life journey I’ve had. Many good times, many worries. I was also thinking about my dad who died about 9 years ago, and whom I miss. Time waits for no man, I think the bard said. How different life is in 2018 compared to when I grew up in the 70s and 80s. I also saw an episode of Sex in the city! Which took me back to the times when I was still a bachelor and looking for a like minded lady to have in my life. The computers were much bigger and mobile phones were not that smart

I can look back and see so many achievements in the face of adversity.
How bad it feels to return to uncertainty, a bit like falling down a snake, in snakes and ladders.

The builder didn’t show at my mums, he was meant to be giving an estimate for small repairs to the masonry. but I got on the roof and cleared her drains and washed her velux windows. She showed me a quote she had from another builder for replacing a small flat roof on her balcony. He wanted £5k. It’s double the price of what is reasonable. I said I can do it for a daily rate, she insists paying me. I don’t mind hard Graft and she will save lots and I get some money towards a holiday. Win win. I may also paint parts oh her house inside. I’m quite good at building work, not a pro, but grew up helping my dad on refurbishing the houses we lived in. Sorry if this is rambling

I feel a slight edginess as we head to another Monday, but will make myself push onwards tomorrow. I have to put lots of hours in, Vat return included. And it’s all so quiet here as everyone is on vacation. Except the bloody planes going over!

Woke lots last night, it’s hot in London.

I hope you had another good day Otterman. Did you get better sleep last night? Maybe keep yourself up slightly later than normal? Get some exercise in like a long dog walk. Looking forward to hearing how you are.

Take care,
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
hells bells you have been busy! Gardening is very good for the spirit, ive been spending time on and off cleaning the weeds out from between the block paving on the drive, unfortunately the sun drives me back indoors after a couple of hours.
Like you i have been thinking a lot about my business partner, we worked together at our company for ten years, but prior to that i worked with him for another 20 years, needles to say i must have spent more time with him than any other human being.I do miss him out of all the people i left behind. Still chat on the phone regularly and hes doing better than me

Typical builder hey? couldn't even be bothered to turn up! Sounds like you are going to save your mum a massive bill by helping her out. Its great that you are a hands on type of guy, it does us good to get them dirty now and again.
Your childhood was probably very similar to my own, most of my education has come from experience, school wasn't of a high importance to me as a child. The idea was you left school and then went to work at the local mine as all my male family members did.
You can imagine there shock when i went into engineering instead.
Growing up my dad taught me how to build walls and all sorts, many of the miners had a second trade.
Anyway now i'm rambling
Ive had my share of VAT returns over the years and don't envy you, its like a double edged sword, don't forget all your fuel receipts lol.

I have had a good day again today, its always better when my wife is at home, i got lots of little jobs done, and said goodbye to my last filing cabinet.
Its been another hot one up here, but nowhere near as hot as you are going to have it this week in london, i'm up in county durham so should dodge the main heatwave.
Woke up this morning deaf in one ear, think its an infection as its quite painful too.
Slept ok last night, had a sleeping tablet, i have one left for tonight then thats it. I will use the nytol more sparingly.
Just been watching the antiques roadshow, how lucky are some of the people on there? they buy an item for a pound in a junk shop and it turns out to be worth thousands, think i had lucky sod envy
I think some of us were never designed to live in the 21st century, make no wonder people get anxious about there lives, its all so complicated.
Hope you have a good nights sleep, have you got a fan to keep you cool? my wife swears by hers.
Don't over do it tomorrow, i know its easy to say,but if you feel your doing too much just stop and have a time out.
Speak again soon,
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Hope you had a productive monday, and your still on the up.
Today has been good for me, probably the best so far. I even managed a trip to the council tip with a car full of junk. Went to the bank, and back to B&Q for some decking stairs. All without much incident, although the tip was a nightmare.
I have been to see my counsellor again today, he's going to put me on a mindfulness course, the only problem being it doesn't start in my area until september! He gave me some leaflets and on line details for self help which im going to have a look at.
My appetite has gone completely the other way now, and i'm eating anything and everything
Going down to the caravan tomorrow to try and fit the steps, im also going to find out if there as been any resolution as far as my wooden shed goes.
Im giving it a go tonight with no sleeping aid, if it gets to 2am and im still awake im trying a nytol.
Speak again soon,
all the best wishes ,Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,

Im just back from my last 'positive thinking' class at the yoga centre. I've really enjoyed learning about meditation and positive thinking and Yoga. I will try and start yoga classes soon, but in London £12 a pop! (and near me its £18). Anyway the interesting thing I learned, was about practising to think the opposite of what your brain is thinking. So if you feel anxious about a meeting, you make yourself think you are calm and looking forward to it. Same with most things. There was lots lots more, but I'd need to write a book. I ended up having a beer with someone form the class, a really nice guy a few years older than me. Then I got home and wolfed down lots from the fridge. It is nice that we both have our appetites back. Last time around I did put weight on, and when I came off the meds, I lost it. Id prefer the weight to being too thin, I will start to exercise if I put it on again.

You sound like you had a fab day. So much done. There is nothing more satisfying than getting rid of a car load of junk at the council skips. Good luck with the steps tomorrow.

I hope sleeping goes well tonight, but dont be upset if you struggle, you are going to get it back, just like your appetite. Dont be shy with the Nytols, they are not addictive.

I had a strange day. This morning I found tough. It is hot, my daughter stayed home with me. She's been quite cheeky recently and was upset I accidentally ate her porridge not mine. So started shouting at me. I was a bit down and so it wasn't nice. But I had a chat with her later and let her know it really isn't on, and shed not get an ice cream if she did it again. She did apologise. And then my office was so hot, the window catches the sun for the first 3 hours of the day and add to that the heat from my computer, it melts you. I didn't feel good, didn't want to work, and I had the responsibility of looking after my daughter. But in the end I enjoyed her company and she painted a lovely card for her friend.

I was pleased when the day was over. Not productive, but ticked a few things off.

The class picked me up. I cycled there and back and it really is wonderful temp here. Cool breeze by the river.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I hope you continue to feel better. Mindfulness is nice and September is actually not that far away. Something extra to look forward to.

Until tomorrow Otterman,
Rad1

[otterman]

Hi Rad,
Sounds like the yoga is really helping you, and your enjoying it too which has to be a good thing.
I can remember when my kids started to develop there own opinions, answering back and so on, as they became teenagers they were argumentative and self opinionated, but they grew up just fine.
Had a bad night last night, not much sleep, maybe 3 hours at the most. I tried to sleep with no meds, then about 2ish i took a nytol but it didn't kick in for ages.
Up at 7.30 had breakfast, loaded car with some more stuff for caravan, got down there with every intention of sorting the steps out. Just finished unloading the car when the sight manager turned up, i knew exactly what was coming! the wooden shed had to come down asap. Funny thing was i had built myself up to the fact that the verdict wouldn't be going my way, so it wasn't such a massive shock.
Anyway its all in a pile now at the side of the van, the problem i have now is i have to sell it. Talk about throwing money away!! I have a plastic one coming next week so thats another job for me.
I get the funny feeling that theres an invisible force at work here thats stopping me from moving out of this house
Apart from that set back its been another good day for me, as the song goes, i get knocked down but i get up again.. Think i have reached the point where i just cant be bothered worrying anymore.
The bad news is its going to get even hotter before the weeks out!! I'm sick of summer now, think i'm a winter person.
Hope your day has been kind to you, and you haven't completely emptied the fridge
All the best wishes, Otterman.

[Rad1]

Hi Otterman,
I too had a bad night, due to heartburn. Christ I overloaded myself with beer then food and as I lay down in bed, it hit me. So painful. Ive never had that before. So I stayed up 3 hours until it calmed down. I slept in the spare bedroom, watched youtube videos, people giving talks about anxiety and how they conquered it. Do a google on TED talks.TED is an organisation that arranges public talks, there are plenty about life experiences such as anxiety and depression etc, some really incredible life stories. Slept in a bit, then woke up to a scorcher. I only managed a small amount of my work today, and so not happy with myself as much to do. I ended the day nicely, went to an exhibition at the V&A, free tickets. The exhibition was about Frida Kahlo a Mexican artist from 40s and 50s who painted portraits, self-portraits, and works inspired by the nature and artifacts of Mexico. she had polio as a child and then a horrible accident which meant she couldn't walk and was in pain from then on. She needed to wear a plaster cast around her body and later lost a leg. But she had an incredible talent for painting. I find that type of story moving. Then after I saw my mum as it is her birthday on Thursday. My partner took a cake which she loved and my daughter sang happy birthday with me.

Like you, I'Ive also got fed up worrying. But there are moments in the day that I do suffer from it, much less than before though. Tomorrow I will need to be up on time as my daughter has gymnastics club for the day. I will cycle her down the river, then back to my desk and push myself in 31c heat. Its not easy!

It is a shame about that wooden shed, but in the scheme of things, its not too bad. I hope you manage to sell it quickly, its an ideal time to sell. The nytols did work for me, they say on the packet 20 mins before sleep, but take one a bit sooner. Your body is well used to the other pills and needs to find its own sleep pattern again. Our excessive anxiety has calmed down and so you should be able to get back to better sleep soon. I reckon tonight you will manage a bit better, not perfect, but a good 4-5 hours. And then in a few days a bit more.

Until tomorrow night amigo.
Rad1

PS,
I am told that my dad traced our family tree way back and there was one line that went to miners in the North East. Not sure if its true, he also found a line to a landed Irish family, not sure if thats true either!