*Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

[ImFine]

Hello,

I am sorry, I don't know if this is the right forum to post stuff like this and if it is not - delete it, I guess. I struggle with panic attacks and OCD and have been lurking on this forum a lot but now I need some support/coping strategies, but most importantly; advice on something entirely different.

To start off; I'm 21. My mom and her partner have been together for over a year now and he makes her very happy. In fact, up until now, he seemed like an absolute dream; he helps us in every way possible and just seems like a sensitive and great man all around. Seeing her happy made me very happy too; just knowing that she finally has someone by her side (I don't have a father or any siblings). Every now and then he would make explicit sexual jokes or compliment me on my legs and other small things that would make me a little uncomfortable but I brushed it off as him having a crude sense of humour. There have been a few occasions where he hugged me a bit too tight (basically squeezed me to his chest so tight I almost lost my breath and not let me go,all while kissing my cheek/neck) when my mom was not around and although that made me feel extremely uncomfortable I tried to brush it off as him being overly affectionate... This next part is explicit.

Today I've been alone with him. When he was about to leave he hugged me waaay too tightly again except this time he would not let me go. Instead he just kept hugging me and insisting I kiss him on the cheek too - I expressed I was uncomfortable but he would not let go, when I tried to get away he grabbed me from behind lifted my shirt and touched me all over my stomach and then proceeded to grope my breasts under my shirt for quite a few seconds. I froze, but somehow managed to tell him I was very uncomfortable. He kept breathing into my ear and would not let me go. When he finally did let go, he jokingly said not to mention anything to my mom.

And I don't want to, since my mom has a lot of other issues and stressors in her life right now and knowing her personality and character - this would ruin her. But I don't know how to cope with this, I feel alone, violated and distressed. Does anyone have any solid advice on how to handle this situation?

Again, I am sorry if this does not belong here, but as you can imagine I have no one to talk to about this and just need advice. Thanks in advance.

[KK77]

There is no real "right" or "wrong" way to handle a situation like this. What this man has essentially committed is sexual assault and it must stop. If it means your mum finding out, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise: would you want her to be with a man who breaches the trust and responsibility he has been given?

I would urge you to speak to someone you can trust ASAP, and if it happens again, to report him to the police. As I said, unfortunately there is no easy solution here.

[Noivous]

Tell your mom. It's difficult but she has to be told. Depending on her reaction you may need to seek outside help to deal with it...social services or police. You may even want to talk to someone before telling your mom. Maybe it would help if you had someone with you when you told her. Not necessarily to go after the guy but to help you and your mother deal with it appropriately. Also, don't over react to your mom's initial reaction. It may take her a bit to absorb what you are saying. A good move on your part coming here for advice. God bless you.

N.

[Catherine S]

These situations often occur in childhood when a child can be silenced for many years through fear, but you're an adult and you know what this man is doing is wrong and you fear that your mom will lose her boyfriend, but she has to be told because this man will carry on if he's not stopped...he's already taken the hugs further and now it's become sexual assault. If he's not stopped it could turn into something much worse the next time you're alone with him.

Think about how you would feel if you yourself had a daughter going through this, you'd want her to tell you for sure. I'm sure your mom will do the right thing and stand by you in this, and remember that if telling her means her giving the boyfriend up it won't be your fault, it will be his.

Take care of yourself and let us know if you can how it works out.

Cath x x

[jojo2316]

You have been assaulted. What he did was more than inappropriate, it was illegal.
If your boyfriend assaulted your daughter would you want to know? Would you want to stay with him?

[Bigboyuk]

Hi This is extremely serious I mean come on especially as he said don't tell your mom, the man sounds very dangerous to me and will strike again keep away from him and tell your mum about whats happened there is no shame in that, it's not your fault take action now before its too late. ATB

[ImFine]

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it greatly. And I agree, I need to tell my mom, I mean I could not imagine how I would have felt if this had happened to my daughter and she wouldn't tell me. But I'm scared; he seems overly attached to her, he even gets upset if she doesn't call him back right away, and he helps us a lot financially and in every other way so I can't imagine how he would have reacted if my mom all of a sudden cut ties with him. Plus my mom is overprotective and she is going to lose it on him. I guess, now that I have processed what has happened, I am just scared. I am mostly scared for my mom. I don't think he is capable of doing anything too evil, he's got his own children that he cares about deeply, but then again I did not ever think he was capable of doing this to me. And my mind keeps trying to minimize what has happened, sometimes I think I am overreacting - I should have pushed him off or yelled at him immediately but I didn't. I was just frozen in fear. Maybe he thinks I liked it. God, that makes me sick.

I think I'm going to tell my female cousin first; we used to be very close and I need some back up before I tell my mom.

[Bigboyuk]

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it greatly. And I agree, I need to tell my mom, I mean I could not imagine how I would have felt if this had happened to my daughter and she wouldn't tell me. But I'm scared; he seems overly attached to her, he even gets upset if she doesn't call him back right away, and he helps us a lot financially and in every other way so I can't imagine how he would have reacted if my mom all of a sudden cut ties with him. Plus my mom is overprotective and she is going to lose it on him. I guess, now that I have processed what has happened, I am just scared. I am mostly scared for my mom. I don't think he is capable of doing anything too evil, he's got his own children that he cares about deeply, but then again I did not ever think he was capable of doing this to me. And my mind keeps trying to minimize what has happened, sometimes I think I am overreacting - I should have pushed him off or yelled at him immediately but I didn't. I was just frozen in fear. Maybe he thinks I liked it. God, that makes me sick.

I think I'm going to tell my female cousin first; we used to be very close and I need some back up before I tell my mom.

To be fair have you thought it could all be a front on his part that he comes over as nice person this is done to make other people like your mum think no he couldn't do that, please don't be deluded this man has the potential to be evil. there is nothing to minimise imho what he did was very wrong he has already done it twice and is getting more confident in what he is doing keep away from him please. and tell your cousin and then your mum she has right to know so do this for you and your mum before he strikes again ATB

[Noivous]

With knowing so little about any of the parties involved I'm not ready to convict this guy as a pedophile. He could be dealing with his own demons. But your plan sounds like a good one, ImFine.

N.

[Bigboyuk]

With knowing so little about any of the parties involved I'm not ready to convict this guy as a pedophile. He could be dealing with his own demons. But your plan sounds like a good one, ImFine.

N.

Neither Am I, but saying that I think she should steer clear of him as it could get a lot worse, alarm bells are ringing in my head already from what I have read so far So the Op needs to be made aware of this don't you think!!? ATB