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Thread: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

  1. #21
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    I agree with what BB has said. A leopard never changes it's spots.
    I feel for you in this situation. All the best and hope things get resolved x
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  2. #22
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Hi ImFine so anything to update us on? What steps are you taking to make sure it doesn't happen again? ATB
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  3. #23

    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    The OP is 21 so there's nothing to suggest he's a paedophile.

    He does sound sociopathic though. I wouldn't let this go any further. Tell your mum as soon as possible. Really and truly, the police should also be informed.
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  4. #24
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    It was merely mentioned that such abuses can be seen in childhood, which is correct. It's because of the whole "we could have our secrets", "don't tell your mum" stuff but this is really about power, manipulation & control. So you can see it any relationship where one (the dominant) seeks to control & manipulate the other. Whether it's sexual abuse (against child or adult), domestic violence, workplace bullying, bullying in general, abuse of power against a junior, blackmail of a senior or other, and it will be likely seen in many an affair too...and I'm not even going to mention all those MP's that pay to be whipped in dungeons...

    ---------- Post added at 05:23 ---------- Previous post was at 05:15 ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by ImFine View Post
    I mean honestly I would lie if I said I am not crying hysterically right now, if I tell my mom - this will ruin her life and it will ruin his as well. And I just can't deal with this right now, I have final exams and everything, I don't know what to do, one second I know what is right and that I should tell a relative and then my mom, then the next I feel like maybe this was a one time thing and he realized what he did and regrets it and he won't do it again. He called me, I did not answer cause I could not bare to talk to him. Maybe he wanted to apologize... Even if he did how can I keep seeing him and my mom together after this? How can I know he really means it?
    If it ruins his life, that's on him. His actions carry consequences and he knew that. If he misjudged the situation thinking you would reciprocate his feelings then that still says he was happy enough to cheat on your mum. Doing so with her daughter is a much bigger leap than with someone outside of the family which would have less boundaries. That is significant.

    I can understand you want to protect your mum. The trouble is this guy isn't a good guy by the sounds of it and he may hurt her later. Will it be even worse then when she's deeper into the relationship? And what if this event comes out too?

    If he contacts you it would be very interesting to know how he responds. Does he come across as mortified with his own behaviour or is the emphasis on pressuring you into keeping his secret? He should be owning up to your mum shouldn't he?
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  5. #25
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Can you update us ImFine? Thx ATB

    ---------- Post added at 19:42 ---------- Previous post was at 17:06 ----------

    We all want to help has anything else happened? You can talk here in complete confidence ATB
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  6. #26
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Some excellent advice here since my last post. Do hope you can resolve this situation as painlessly as possible, ImFine
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  7. #27

    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Hello,

    I'm updating you 4 years later. I'm 26 now. It was horrible of me to just disappear off this forum and I'm so sorry about that. I legitimately forgot about it as I was too overwhelmed at the time. But honestly that's not an excuse and I'm really sorry. I'm sure no one will even see this; but I want to sincerely thank everyone who gave me advice in this thread, you all helped me, more than you can imagine.

    *TW (SA)*
    I told my mom a few days later. She already knew, because he confessed it to her in private. He did so after a very uncomfortable lunch together where it was obvious something was wrong with me as I couldn't even stand to look at him and she noticed. I'm guessing he knew it was only a matter of time before I tell her, I think that's why he told her himself - before I could. I don't know how truthful he was in his "admission" to her. But anyway I was suprised my mom already knew and didn't even mention it to me. She was upset but not in a way I imagined she would be. She tried to minimize what he did. She defended him and said he's truly sorry. I must say he put on a really good show, she told me he keeps coming to her house (I was away during the week because of university), begging for forgiveness. He kept saying he's going to have a heart attack, chest pains blah blah (me and my mum rushed him to the ER because of chest pain once, I guess that was his "sympathy" card).

    Anyway, my mom fell for it. She stayed with him. She even yelled at me a month or two later, when he showed up unannounced (well announced to her, maybe) to our relative's funeral because I didn't greet him. She demanded that I accept his apology and forgive him. She yelled at me as if I was the one who assaulted him. I said I couldn't forgive him. I also met up with a sexual abuse counselor a few days after the incident. She told me that what he did is typical grooming and cycle of sexual abuse, and that I need to get out now. I told my mom what she said, but my mom didn't take it too seriously. She just insisted that he's sorry and that he will never do it again. Anyway, after a while she realized my view of him was not going to change and he stopped coming to our house... Well not entirely, he still comes once or twice a year - at least when I'm at home. I think I told her that if she still wants to be with him, fine, but I don't want him anywhere near me because I have to protect myself. As far as I know, she's still with him. They text and call each other, until recently they were going on trips together etc.

    That really effed me up. It wasn't the assault itself that effed me up as much as her staying with him. I guess it made me realize that I'm totally alone in this world and it made me view my mom completely differently. Looking back I think I was depressed for at least a year after that. I didn't see it as depression then, but I was completely numb. Actually I've felt emotionally numb until recently, I suppressed all of my emotions. I've had a few bouts of paranoia that he's going to come to our house and shoot us both. He's a hunter so he has guns.

    Anyway, I'm fine now (well I have other mental health issues that I need to address in therapy). I think I'm finally ready to talk about it. But one thing that's eating me up inside right now is guilt. I feel guilty because i haven't reported it - although I'm sure the police wouldn't do anything. I'm not even sure that what he did constitues sexual assault by the criminal law of my country. I would be surprised if police did anything about it. But I also feel guilty that I haven't told his son. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I only told what happened to my mom and my best friend at the time, and to my girlfriend now and even that was painful to me. I think I gaslighted myself into thinking it wasn't a big deal because my environment was telling me it's not a big deal (except that counselor).

    But I think his son has a child now. I'm afraid he's going to try to do something to that child. I obviously wasn't a child when he assaulted me, I was in my early 20's but still. He has two other grandkids (his daughter has a son and a daughter), but he doesn't seem to be as close with his daughter as he is with his son, I've only seen his daughter once, briefly. Both his son and daughter are much older than me. I have to tell his son but I have no idea how I'm going to do that. I'm terrified of my abuser, I'm afraid he's going to do something to my mom or me, for retribution or something. I know that's probably just my paranoia, but there's so many cases in the news about men shooting their ex partners/partners etc.. My mom and me live in a house in the middle of nowhere basically. I have OCD so that doesn't help. But I need to do the right thing. I wish I'd done it sooner, but it wasn't even on my mind. I completely suppressed the whole thing. I just recently started processing it. This guilt is really tearing me apart.

    Anyway, that's the update, I'm sure I'll be the only one who reads it, but I guess I just needed to vent. I hope that's allowed on this forum, I'm not sure if not, delete it. If anyone actually reads this long mess: I'm sorry for the grammar, I'm not a native speaker.

  8. #28
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Thank you for the update.

    I just wanted to say that none of this is your fault. He is the perpetrator, he did this to you. Anything that happens to him as result of what he did is his responsibility. You are the victim.

    Keep seeing a therapist if you can, when this kind of thing happens it has a knock on effect into many other aspects of your life.

    You can get through this, it just takes work and time.

  9. #29
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    Re: *Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

    Sounds like that guy's got a bit of a screw loose, and possibly a trigger-happy bogeyman!😟

    I would still monitor the situation with absolute caution.

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