*Trigger warning* My mom's boyfriend groped me - need advice

[ImFine]

Bigboyuk, thank you for your advice. I have thought about that. A lot. But I do not want to think of him as entirely bad as he sometimes helps other people too and mostly because I do not want to think what would he be capable of if I fight back. Now that I think about it; aside from him being occasionally creepy with his jokes and touching he also told me on occasion that we don't have to tell everything to my mom, that we can have our own "secrets". But that was in entirely different context and I laughed it off. Honestly though, he has always given me the creeps. All I know right now is that he has issues. And that I need to stay away from him.
To Noivous - a pedophile? Who called him that? I certainly didn't, nor do I think of him as one. I'm 21, I am a grown adult. It doesn't make what he did to me right though. Me and my mom are in a very vulnerable situation right now, for various reasons. And he knows that. He is trying to take advantage of me because he thinks I won't tell.

[Bigboyuk]

Bigboyuk, thank you for your advice. I have thought about that. A lot. But I do not want to think of him as entirely bad as he sometimes helps other people too and mostly because I do not want to think what would he be capable of if I fight back. Now that I think about it; aside from him being occasionally creepy with his jokes and touching he also told me on occasion that we don't have to tell everything to my mom, that we can have our own "secrets". But that was in entirely different context and I laughed it off. Honestly though, he has always given me the creeps. All I know right now is that he has issues. And that I need to stay away from him.
To Noivous - a pedophile? Who called him that? I certainly didn't, nor do I think of him as one. I'm 21, I am a grown adult. It doesn't make what he did to me right though. Me and my mom are in a very vulnerable situation right now, for various reasons. And he knows that. He is trying to take advantage of me because he thinks I won't tell.

True but you don't want the attention he is giving you either, and sorry but that is part of the grooming to say to you we can have our little secrets to me that is not joke in other words he wants to get away with it. I am pretty sure he will try again you don't want that and spot on he is trying to take advantage and not only that he is cheating on your mom makes my skin crawl having a hug is one thing the other things isn't in my book. Stay safe hun ATB

[Noivous]

I'm with you BB...time to err on the side of caution.

---------- Post added at 15:26 ---------- Previous post was at 15:24 ----------

Bigboyuk, thank you for your advice. I have thought about that. A lot. But I do not want to think of him as entirely bad as he sometimes helps other people too and mostly because I do not want to think what would he be capable of if I fight back. Now that I think about it; aside from him being occasionally creepy with his jokes and touching he also told me on occasion that we don't have to tell everything to my mom, that we can have our own "secrets". But that was in entirely different context and I laughed it off. Honestly though, he has always given me the creeps. All I know right now is that he has issues. And that I need to stay away from him.
To Noivous - a pedophile? Who called him that? I certainly didn't, nor do I think of him as one. I'm 21, I am a grown adult. It doesn't make what he did to me right though. Me and my mom are in a very vulnerable situation right now, for various reasons. And he knows that. He is trying to take advantage of me because he thinks I won't tell.

No you didn't. Just using a little hyperbole to make a point.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm sorry you have experienced this.

I think you need to consider:

1) he may do this again.
2) if he's willing to grope you like that rather than react shocked then I'm concerned what else could happen, especially if there is alcohol involved.
3) aside from disrespecting you he has also done this to your mum. What else does he do that you don't see whether with your mum or behind her back?
4) if he's concealing pretty horrible behaviour like this how can your mum know how he may be in the future? Doesn't she deserve to know to enable her to make her choices? (Not that for a second I mean she may do anything but worry about you & defend you)
5) coming onto his partner's daughter is really low behaviour. How can he love your mother when he's willing to hurt her like that?

The man has his own children? I guess some guys really don't understand while they do this they only allow others to do the same and his children could experience it.

I'm glad to hear you have a cousin you can talk too. It's a very difficult situation.

Lots of signs in his behaviour that he doesn't see this as wrong. "Let's keep it a secret" worries me how he may bully a person and him needing to know where your mother is could be an indication of controlling behaviour.

You laughed some remarks off but regardless of whether his mind sees that as a sign it doesn't mean you have allowed the situation to escalate. He's the one in the wrong. But perhaps knowing he's just not a hit cheeky/bawdy/near the knuckle remark type of person, etc it would be wise to shutdown any further attempts of his humour?

Freezing is common to anyone in a shocking situation. But it wasn't reciprocated as someone interested would respond but sadly I doubt he is going to notice that and realise he's made a massive mistake. Please don't blame yourself for not being assertive enough, it's a hard situation to deal with and totally unexpected, plus you did say no to him.

[Bigboyuk]

Good points Terry. Iam also worried about any mind bullying on his part saying if you don't do this or you tell your mum I will say that you instigaited it, so be very careful that he doesn't try and manipulate in to you keeping quite about it. Your are 21 and adult so would suggest if your mother goes out you go out too and visit friends away from him. I don't think I wold trust being any where near him when you are alone. ATB

[Fishmanpa]

But I do not want to think of him as entirely bad as he sometimes helps other people too

You've gotten some really good advice. I singled out that line in your reply as even the nicest giving people can have a demon lurking inside. IMO, that negates the positives. I wish you peace and resolution to this situation.

Positive thoughts

[welsh girl]

I would just like to make a point, if you want to tell your mum. be very sensitive to her feelings, it will destroy her life and faith, and there is always a chance she will be angry with you initially, but what has to be done has to be done,

[Noivous]

Sound advice friend.

[ImFine]

I mean honestly I would lie if I said I am not crying hysterically right now, if I tell my mom - this will ruin her life and it will ruin his as well. And I just can't deal with this right now, I have final exams and everything, I don't know what to do, one second I know what is right and that I should tell a relative and then my mom, then the next I feel like maybe this was a one time thing and he realized what he did and regrets it and he won't do it again. He called me, I did not answer cause I could not bare to talk to him. Maybe he wanted to apologize... Even if he did how can I keep seeing him and my mom together after this? How can I know he really means it?

[Bigboyuk]

I mean honestly I would lie if I said I am not crying hysterically right now, if I tell my mom - this will ruin her life and it will ruin his as well. And I just can't deal with this right now, I have final exams and everything, I don't know what to do, one second I know what is right and that I should tell a relative and then my mom, then the next I feel like maybe this was a one time thing and he realized what he did and regrets it and he won't do it again. He called me, I did not answer cause I could not bare to talk to him. Maybe he wanted to apologize... Even if he did how can I keep seeing him and my mom together after this? How can I know he really means it?

I feel your deep sadness in your postWe all believe you, it's a hard decision to make, the stress its causing you is unfathomable I don't know what to suggest? What evidence have you got that he is remorseful about the 2 times it happened? If you have then maybe a chance, but I am sure about one thing a leopard never changes it's spots. I just have a gut feeling, don't fall in to a trap, not being harsh just my opinion please keep us updated and ATB

---------- Post added at 22:24 ---------- Previous post was at 22:19 ----------

Sound advice friend.

Spot on, and seconded ATB