Hello all, I have been around for awhile reading but not posting, I want to share my thoughts with fellow sufferers.
I am a 30 year old male, I was a Paratrooper for 10 years and have always been very secure of mind, my health has been perfect all my life never so much as a snotty nose, All my friends and wife see me as strong and the rock, dependable, I have never struggaled to live up to this as I was a born leader or so it was thought.......
Please allow me to give you some early history on myself.
At 3 months old i was put into care, I was never adopted just pushed from fosterer to fosterer, at age 6 I was put into bording school only going back to fosterers for the school holidays, at two fosterers I was disiplined with the broom handle in other words beaten, I never struggled with having know family as I did not know what to miss, I loved school and hated home life(holidays).
I was envolved with the wrong type of friends as a lad in liverpool and this brought me added problems, when I turned 16 I left school and joined the forces, I saw and had to do things nobody should ever see or do.
I met a girl and had two children, the relationship did not work out and she chucked me out, this hurt like hell as i needed my kids but still know adverse effect was felt.
By this time I had left the forces and met my wife, she was upper class with a great well paid job and life was good, we moved to London so she could take an exceptionaly well payed job, we had it all money, lifestyle and love.
Then "it" happend, we where in the lakes my fav place in the whole world, we would take our two dogs for miles in the mountains miles from anything or anybody just how we liked it, whilst their my wife commented how I was sighing alot, I thought not alot of it, when we got home i was still feeling good with know issues, then one night im sat at my computer the wife asleep and me happily reading about Liverpool FC, My tougue was tingaling like crazy all of a sudden and then I had massive internal to my chest convulsions, wave after wave of them, I thought it was a heart attack, I could hardly walk, I stumbled up the stairs and woke the wife, she put me in the car and rushed me to A+E, whilst their I collapsed onto the floor and was rushed to a bay rigged up and moniterd with doc's all scratching their heads, heart attack was ruled out fast, blood works was all great, chest X-rays perfect,they where at a loss as to what was happaning, then a young docter said do you suffer with panic or anxiety, my wife and I both laughed realy hard at this point as the blatently obviuse answer was NO!.
They kept me in for 24 hours observation where they did further tests, I was discharged with a clean bill of health and I felt great again, PHEW.
The next day my wife whent shopping and left me to whatch my beloved Liverpool FC on the tele, BANG these internal chest waves came again, I was alone and scared, frozen in fear, when the wife came home she was as puzzled as me.
The next day we whent to the docters, who said you have virus, PHEW he took blood to confirm this, 48 hours later we whent back, in the 48 hours I had know more attacks and felt A OK, he was dismayed you have know virus, your bloods are perfect, HMMMM this is wierd, so we took great heed in the fact that i had a barrage of test's and was in prime condition, however we both(my wife and I) remember him saying, Do you suffer with Stress or Anxiety? NO was the answer.
The attacks never came again, I went to work fine and unworried, then the next weekend BANG OMG I was frozen in fear pinned to my bed, then I was up pacing the lounge, WHAT IS HAPPANING, I was then gripped in a vice that proceeded to hold me for 9 months with know let off, I went from the rock, the dependable answer for everything, to a translucent, empty, wreck of a man, I lost 4 stone in a month, I wouldent sleep for days, the docters where so concerned I was admitted to hospital for a month, test after test was done, nothing found, 3 MRI scans came back perfect, I had camaras in my stomoch and back passage, samples taken from everywhere internaly and externaly, EVERYTHING was perfect, the specialist's where at a loss and I was stuck in a place with only me, a pale skinny wreck of the man I once was, I was discharged and I was googaling everything, I diagnosed myself with every issue you could think of and some!, I was broken.
Then one day a light inside me came on, sometime in april, Stef I said to myself, what have you become, you where 6ft 4 of muscle, so strong in your mind, know weakness to be exposed by anybody, you have sufferd so much in your life and never faulterd what has happend?.
It would seem now that I had a weakness, one nobody not even I knew about but only one thing on gods earth could exploit!, my subconcius mind!.
It would seem I had an out of the blue breakdown from within, all my life's issues had not washed over me and left know trace as I thought, they had all stored up, the fuse was lit by nothing my wife or I can think of and the missile exploded inside me.
Now came the realisation that I broke myself and I had to fix myself, I had to find the strength to fix my mind.
Four months have gone by and I have to attacks under controel, I can feel them coming and I can act with my alert mind rather then letting my sub mind give the responce, I once again contreol my mind, I am knowhere near as I was and I fight the daily fight, I have had alot of fights in my life and none defeated me, now I have a fight that had brought me to my knee's, oh so nearly beat me, and now im fighting back.
Life is harder now then ever, especialy the grinding feeling in my head, I wake up and feel I cant fight today, I need to rest, but I cannot, I have to fight until I win.
Symptoms are amazing and yet its all from my mind, I made myself Ill and im making myself better, I am 80% of the old me but I will not rest until i am 110%.
Before this, i always heard about these things and thought, Hell these are weak people, now I know that these people are the strongest of humans, intellegent humans that have been exploited by the one person whome they never saw coming, their OWN mind.
Understanding has helped me know end, And one day I'll be the man my wife loved and the man my children loved, and I'll stand their prouder then any other day, when I win this fight, and I'll win it, I'll of lived and I'll live and love like I have never before, because I'll understand life better.
We will win the fight people, Its our thoughts that destroy us, how often do we feel a twinge and THINK? and then "it" comes and supplys our responce, I have been this way for a over a year, and I am here and healthy, all my symptoms are on their 10 th time around, its important to remember that fact, they did not kill you before and they wont kill you know, How often do you get rid of one thought and then replace it with another that lingers for weeks? all the time, when we stop replacing the thought with a thought we will be back.
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hello stefane,
FEAR knocked at the door FAITH answered and there was no-one there 
DONT WORRY BE HAPPY
aboard.
