Am I a pedophile??

[Slsheeba567]

Today I went out food shopping with my mom. It’s around the time of the year where it’s back to school shopping so practically EVERYONE was there with their little kids, and I started to get really self conscious and kept checking my body because I swore I felt some sort of groinal sensation in response. It got so bad I waited outside while my mom finished up the shopping because I got so scared I was gonna snap and do something. I’ve been ruminating about it all day, and I even called my therapist about it, I was so worried. Everyone keeps telling me I’m not a pedophile, but I’ve convinced myself I’ve become one. I’ve had 3 mental health professionals, and even a psychic tell me I’m not, but I keep wondering what if they’re wrong? What if I snap and do something? It keeps popping up, just when I get over it and move on, it pops up again the next week and I’ve convinced myself I’m one again, I’m like a dog with a bone, I can’t let it go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I would rather kill myself than hurt a child. It’s the worst possible thing someone could ever do IMO, and my biggest fear is I’m one of those monsters.

[MindBlock]

Hi there, I think for any of us with mental health diagnosis's as we go on our life's journey / road to recover we also doing our part too and I wonder if the point your at with your recovery journey is that self challenging aspect where we have to start trusting our Psychiatrists , Psychologist and other trained therapists / professionals !

You said three Psychiatrists have told you your not !

I understand the questioning yourself aspect of "what if the Psychiatrist is wrong?"

In my own view I think to have three Psychiatrists tell you the same thing , well seems quite a strong consistent voice ! than just one telling you !

What do you think about it, then in that sense ?

[GiantMogwai]

It’s the worst possible thing someone could ever do IMO, and my biggest fear is I’m one of those monsters.

I think this is almost definitely the thing that says you aren't, and the psych opinions.

I'd also suggest you get an understanding of "intrusive thoughts". Everybody has these. Some might have the kind of thoughts you have. I kind of view intrusive thoughts a bit like flies that I swat away when I have them. At times they are easier to swat away than others but they don't generally plague me. If you don't realise these are a natural part of the human condition you may obsess about them more.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought

---------- Post added at 22:52 ---------- Previous post was at 22:48 ----------

From the wiki article:

"The possibility that most patients suffering from intrusive thoughts will ever act on those thoughts is low."

[ankietyjoe]

Today I went out food shopping with my mom. It’s around the time of the year where it’s back to school shopping so practically EVERYONE was there with their little kids, and I started to get really self conscious and kept checking my body because I swore I felt some sort of groinal sensation in response. It got so bad I waited outside while my mom finished up the shopping because I got so scared I was gonna snap and do something. I’ve been ruminating about it all day, and I even called my therapist about it, I was so worried. Everyone keeps telling me I’m not a pedophile, but I’ve convinced myself I’ve become one. I’ve had 3 mental health professionals, and even a psychic tell me I’m not, but I keep wondering what if they’re wrong? What if I snap and do something? It keeps popping up, just when I get over it and move on, it pops up again the next week and I’ve convinced myself I’m one again, I’m like a dog with a bone, I can’t let it go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I would rather kill myself than hurt a child. It’s the worst possible thing someone could ever do IMO, and my biggest fear is I’m one of those monsters.

Just to clarify, are you saying you felt sexual arousal because there were children around - specifically because there were children around? Or did you feel sexual arousal at the same time you were around children? Causal or coincidental?

How old are you, and how old were the children?

[KK77]

Today I went out food shopping with my mom. It’s around the time of the year where it’s back to school shopping so practically EVERYONE was there with their little kids, and I started to get really self conscious and kept checking my body because I swore I felt some sort of groinal sensation in response. It got so bad I waited outside while my mom finished up the shopping because I got so scared I was gonna snap and do something. I’ve been ruminating about it all day, and I even called my therapist about it, I was so worried. Everyone keeps telling me I’m not a pedophile, but I’ve convinced myself I’ve become one. I’ve had 3 mental health professionals, and even a psychic tell me I’m not, but I keep wondering what if they’re wrong? What if I snap and do something? It keeps popping up, just when I get over it and move on, it pops up again the next week and I’ve convinced myself I’m one again, I’m like a dog with a bone, I can’t let it go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I would rather kill myself than hurt a child. It’s the worst possible thing someone could ever do IMO, and my biggest fear is I’m one of those monsters.

You have another thread on POCD and it would be helpful to have these merged so members can give you a more informed reply based on your past history.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=216422

[Slsheeba567]

I think it's because I was around the children. I've struggled with this in the past, like I've mentioned before the POCD keeps coming back, so a thing I've struggled with is these groinal responses, which my therapist says is because I've conditioned my body to respond like this due to the testing compulsion where I constantly test myself by thinking of kids in a non sexual way and obsessively checking my body to make sure I'm not becoming aroused. I just turned 18 a couple of months ago, I'm not sure how old the kids were, like I said there were a lot because of back to school shopping, so I'm guessing it varied from 6-8, to 10-13 year olds?

[MyNameIsTerry]

You say you get over it and it pops up again. So how do you feel about these fears then? Do you think they are invalid or perhaps not worth worrying about? Would that happen if you really thought you were being dragged kicking & screaming into being the monster you fear?*

* not that OCD can even do that anyway.

[Slsheeba567]

It's generally like this: I've gotten over the fear that I'm a pedophile,and generally forget about it, then something triggers my fear again (mentions of actors being caught with child porn, a criminal minds episode comes on the tv about a pedophile, etc) and I start to have intrusive thoughts again, then the groinal responses and the testing compulsion, or an incident happens like the one that caused me to make this post, I panic, and I confess it to my therapist who tells me it doesn't mean anything, and then I calm down and forget about it again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Reaction is key in anxiety, the more you change it away from the expected fear reaction to a positive/neutral reaction, which the feedback process doesn't expect, the more you undermine it's important to your subconscious. At the moment you are reacting strongly with negatives then falling into the cycle of obsess-compulsion (do you feel you need to confess? If so, that's another compulsion seeking out reassurance).

Learning to stop it at the point it starts would greatly improve this for you. Then your subconscious will calm down sending you these thoughts as it knows they aren't triggering for the process it thinks it should be starting.

[Slsheeba567]

Thank you, that helps a lot!