Working myself up about rabies, ugh

[KK77]

I responded to your exact same post on the Anxiety Central message board.

What be this Anxiety Central and do they have a Complaints Dept?

[AMomentofClarity]

No doubt! I saw it on AZ when that was around. I shoot from the hip and find that my replies are often not even acknowledged but the tea and sympathy replies feed the dragon.

Positive thoughts

So often it appears that health anxiety follows a pattern of BPD....or attention seeking behavior. I’m not saying that goes for everybody on here, but in many cases you can tell that it’s not even about the health concern in the end, it’s an addiction to having people tell you you’re ok. It’s the reason reassurance doesn’t work, it’s much deeper than that.
You’re drug addiction analogy from earlier is very apt.

[NervUs]

I feel like I should respond to this, even though I don't have a grand reaction.

You're right, I did want to hear that people don't get rabies this way, that other people have picked up after raccoons without protection and they never even considered rabies risk, that lots of people do this every day to no ill effect. I think I needed that to dive into what triggered this today.

I actually do think long and hard about my HA and what now appears to be contamination OCD, where it comes from, why my thoughts get stuck. I am looking for a place to talk about that, I guess, with people who have empathy b/c they have been there themselves. I don't see empathy or really humanization in the responses here, so that's fine. But, that maybe why people sometimes don't respond to comments and posts, especially overly general ones. I mean, there's only so much to say to get therapy or you have BPD or someone should do research. There are probably ways of wording that, too, to elicit a response if you really want one or want to open a conversation.

---------- Post added at 20:42 ---------- Previous post was at 19:16 ----------

Wow....was just reading about OCD. A psychiatrist identified this form of OCD:

or “What happens after death?” or “How can I be sure my loved ones are safe?”—and then engage in tortuous attempts to find certainty where it can’t exist.

That really speaks to me. Think it's involved in my thought process entirely.

[AMomentofClarity]

I feel like I should respond to this, even though I don't have a grand reaction.

You're right, I did want to hear that people don't get rabies this way, that other people have picked up after raccoons without protection and they never even considered rabies risk, that lots of people do this every day to no ill effect. I think I needed that to dive into what triggered this today.

I actually do think long and hard about my HA and what now appears to be contamination OCD, where it comes from, why my thoughts get stuck. I am looking for a place to talk about that, I guess, with people who have empathy b/c they have been there themselves. I don't see empathy or really humanization in the responses here, so that's fine. But, that maybe why people sometimes don't respond to comments and posts, especially overly general ones. I mean, there's only so much to say to get therapy or you have BPD or someone should do research. There are probably ways of wording that, too, to elicit a response if you really want one or want to open a conversation.

---------- Post added at 20:42 ---------- Previous post was at 19:16 ----------

Wow....was just reading about OCD. A psychiatrist identified this form of OCD:

or “What happens after death?” or “How can I be sure my loved ones are safe?”—and then engage in tortuous attempts to find certainty where it can’t exist.

That really speaks to me. Think it's involved in my thought process entirely.

I can understand how some posts, including mine can be taken harshly and how there’s not an easy reply. I come from where I do because I’ve experienced health anxiety in different phases of my life, the typical bouncing around from one fear to another, day after day, week after week. I chased reassurance from friends, family, doctors, the Internet, you name it. It wasn’t until I accepted that there wasn’t enough reassurance in the world to help me, and sought real life help that I was able to move beyond it. I know “get therapy” isn’t easy to hear, but it’s a lot better than revolving your life around irrational fears.

[AntsyVee]

I feel like I should respond to this, even though I don't have a grand reaction.

---------- Post added at 20:42 ---------- Previous post was at 19:16 ----------

[/COLOR]Wow....was just reading about OCD. A psychiatrist identified this form of OCD:

or “What happens after death?” or “How can I be sure my loved ones are safe?”—and then engage in tortuous attempts to find certainty where it can’t exist.

That really speaks to me. Think it's involved in my thought process entirely.

The attention seeking behavior that FMP and others are referring to is also a pattern of OCD. IMPO most people we see on here with HA have it as part of their OCD. I’d rank PTSD as the second most likely cause (like having a loved one die from an illness), and the third most likely causes as the personality disorders like BPD or HPD.

[pulisa]

It's also possible to have HA without having attention-seeking behaviours.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's also possible to have HA without having attention-seeking behaviours.

Absolutely and the same for OCD. Reassurance seeking, not attention seeking which is a very different thing, is a compulsion but there are many compulsions in OCD so to suggest that's how it works is incorrect.

Reassurance seeking has never been a feature of my OCD. It's a range of themes & compulsions and not everyone has/does them all.

[AMomentofClarity]

FYI- I know everything there is to know about rabies. This is not a factual problem, and rabies is rare isn't going to get me out of this.

Here’s the key part of this for me....I read, “I know factually that I don’t have rabies, and the obvious reassurance isn’t going to help, but I’m going to post for reassurance anyway.”
There’s obviously a deeper issue here (beyond simple HA), regardless of what it may be, which needs addressed.

That doesn’t apply just to this thread either, it’s extremely common on here.

[NervUs]

I can understand how some posts, including mine can be taken harshly and how there’s not an easy reply. I come from where I do because I’ve experienced health anxiety in different phases of my life, the typical bouncing around from one fear to another, day after day, week after week. I chased reassurance from friends, family, doctors, the Internet, you name it. It wasn’t until I accepted that there wasn’t enough reassurance in the world to help me, and sought real life help that I was able to move beyond it. I know “get therapy” isn’t easy to hear, but it’s a lot better than revolving your life around irrational fears.

It's not that "get therapy" is hard to hear. It's that the presentation style is caustic and judgy and doesn't invite engagement. I think what I wanted yesterday was to be engaged in a human way. As I said, HA/OCD is excessively isolating. I try to keep it to myself and I do try to snap myself out of it. BUt, some days are harder than others. You'd think people on here would understand, but it doesn't often seem that way. It is possible to make comments like "you need professional help" or "this should be a case study" or "you have a personality disorder" in different ways. I would have happily responded to comments phrased in more caring ways. Style does matter if people want comments acknowledged, so maybe that helps explain why responses don't flow to some posters.

So, yesterday, I wanted to be engaged. Is that attention seeking or BPD? I don't tick any of the boxes for BPD-- I am an introvert to a fault, have a lifetime of stable relationships with the people closest to me. That just doesn't fit. But, your posts did cause me to consider whether I am attention seeking, or just drumming up drama to get a reaction? That doesn't ring true to me. I am not looking for this in the world. Unfortunately, I have become fearful of zoonotic disease and I am like a magnet for these F@ckers. I had a bat in the house in March, a former raccoon toilet that I keep having to revisit (have made some progress on that BTW but not 100% there), the raccoon in the trash the other night. I had a random dog put my entire hand in its mouth on a trail last month. All of this came to me. Why I react to wildlife with so much fear and a sense of such fragility, I don't know exactly. But, I really don't recognize attention seeking in it. What I do recognize is self doubt. I guess, on some level, I feel like I am a failure of a human being. NO clue why, as I really am not. I have a 21 year marriage, three kids that are doing well, maintain relationships with my parents and siblings, a stable job, a business I am developing on the side that I absolutely love. Not everything is entirely smooth for me, and I have encountered challenging situations, and I don't always feel part of things socially or in professional relationships. But, I am not a failure by any stretch. What I am noticing about these zoonotic issues, when they come up, a lot of the fear is triggered by feeling like I haven't cleaned up right. With the rabies yesterday, I realized I just should have left the mess until weather conditions were dry. I didn't though, and felt like I dealt with it wrong. I think there is some beating myself up in my OCD/ HA and not so much craving attention. I think, in the past, my HA might have stemmed from needing affirmation that I matter. But, not so much anymore (ironically my earlier experience with HA caused me to put myself out there and make the life I want to live, whereas I had been languishing as a reluctant stay at home mom), and I certainly don't see my OCD as manipulative in anyway. I honestly do think I could admit if was about manipulation. I just don't see it. I do REALLY fear death and leaving my kids, or having them leave me.

I hear you on reassurance. This is my second episode with HA/OCD in my life. I worked really hard to get past it the first time, and I was able to stop reassurance seeking entirely. Might not seem like it, but I do try and put limits on myself. I don't post about every little thought that crosses my mind. I try to sit with things. I just don't think I've gotten to a place in this particular HA episode where I can rely on my internal resources only or in every situation. Therapy is something I would like to do, but I can't afford it at the moment. That is the bottom line. We have so many bills (mostly education ones for my kids, two need braces, we always have house stuff going up, or trees that need knocking down, and we have medical expenses every year, some much needed for my daughter, one more in the grey area but of course tinged with the smell of HA). So, I have to do this on my own right now, until we can get ourselves ahead again.

Last thing, to sum up- lack of comments doesn't mean people don't read or reflect. It also doesn't mean they are totally inert and passive about their HA. If people want comments back, I think they need to think about style. I do appreciate where this conversation went.

[AMomentofClarity]

Very well thought out post, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work trying to figure out why your mind works the way it does. I apologize for insinuating you had BPD. Overall I met that there’s characteristics of that in a lot of posts here. By attention seeking behavior, I’m not necessarily suggesting that people are looking for drama, more that it feels good to be told you’re ok, and that becomes an addiction in a way. I’ve experienced it first hand...when in the depths of health anxiety, there’s a certain elation you get from being told everything is good. I got that from doctors plenty of times. Unfortunately, it was always short lived and I would be back within a month.

Suffering with ocd or health anxiety doesn’t make you a failure in any way. It’s a terrible thing to deal with, and nobody chooses it. It’s hard as hell, but if you can get past the physical focus and understand the mental/emotional side it can be treated.

The best thing I ever did was discuss my anxiety with my doctor. It allowed him to treat me within the proper context, both physically and mentally. He reassured me while also directing me to the anxiety help I needed. We have a great relationship, and best of all he’s not seeing me every month. It’s certainly not something that happens overnight, but each small step snowballs into larger ones.