Don't know where to start, again

[thehopefulheart]

I'm a 28 year old female from the East Coast of the USA.
I was always an anxious person, I started school at 4 because I could read and write. Emotionally and socially I was probably not ready to leave home for full day Kindergarten but both of my parents needed to work. I guess I developed coping mechanisms as I got older, one being- to my embarrassment- crying. There's a catharsis to just letting go and sobbing, and often any confrontation would leave me a snotty mess. I grew to hate this about myself, along with many other things that I believe are rooted in anxiety. As a teenager, I was environmentally depressed, a secret relationship as a young teen was abusive and manipulative and negatively reinforced so many things that probably should have been treated professionally. I didn't want help, I admonished it and rejected it, all the while, I hurt myself physically, and the toxic relationship continued to damage me mentally. That was 10 years ago, and over the last 7 years I've been lucky to have found a best friend, and partner who has elevated me out of many of these dark shadows. At times I've relied on him far more than I should, but he is kind and intelligent and always willing to help me. I fear this new relapse into panic and hard to manage anxiety will truly test the strengths of our bonds.
I feel so sick and out of control.
A week ago, I took exercise stimulants that I had used before and was familiar with. But the chemistry was out of my hands, and I ended up on the bathroom floor, hands closed up, arms tight and tingling, on the phone with my mom asking her if I could be having a stroke because I thought that I was dying. An ambulance took me to the hospital, and will a follow up appointment, my PCP prescribed me clonazepam and citalopram and this is my new journey. I've hardly had a day since where I am not on the verge of a panic attack, and sit listless and ruminated about how broken I feel. How far I feel that I've fallen from just a few weeks ago.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya thehopefulheart and welcome to NMP

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way

[Genevieve]

Hey I hope you’re feeling a little better. I haven’t posted on here before... This is my first time saying anything on here and it’s a direct reply-I’m terrible at technology so I hope the original writer sees this....yes I’m that clueless☺️ I’m a coutry girl. Anyway, your post really hit me. I was actually taken out of preschool because of severe anxiety, not that my mom realized that’s what it was then (emotional intelligence was a come and go concept in my house). But my mom figured I was reading and I had twin sisters a year ahead of me. So they’d catch me up right? I’m told my first panic attack was when I was 5-going to the doctor, sick with strep throat, and my mother just could not figure out why I couldn’t breathe. Yes, I have an enormous fear of change. I hadn’t had a panic attack for quite some time and recently started having them a lot...All I want to do is drink to shut it down. I try not to, but it’s pointless anyway- if it knocks me out for an hour or two, I wake up unable to breathe and sweaty, some awful dream I can’t describe wretchedly lingering... and there’s also the having no job thing, so there’s no money. Not that that’s a good reason but I try to see it as a kick in the butt. I’m living at my fiancé’s parents house, and have always worked....now my fiancé, who was out of work for almost two years while I went crazy working to try to make ends meet (then got home to do laundry, dishes, and usually get in a fight-not that I’m a saint, was t always his fault) is working and takes his truck (mine is in our hometown 1000 miles away) so I’m stuck here and don’t know what to do all day. I stress clean, I take long walks (but it’s so freaking hot-how do people live in a hot climate?!), I read a lot. I wish this was the source of my anxiety but there’s a lot more. I’m not going to write a novel.

I also resonated with the diet pill thing. Holy crap is that scary. I, like a dope, did it more than once, thinking the first or second time I’d had too much coffee, no sleep, had been drinking, was having a panic attack....whatever... either way it was awful and I really hope you’re ok...and don’t do it again.

Ok I’m not really done making this sound like I’d necessarily want it to but I’m posting before I lose my nerve

[lindenlad@gmail.com]

Hello Helpful Heart

Very sorry to hear of your problems.

Do hope your present relationship continues and will be a help to you.

with blessings

lindenlad