Moving along a good path!

[LouiseAndy]

So, basically I've had a lot of ups and downs.

I was in therapy at uni but I was sent to a specialized therapist by my gp. I've been struggling with health anxiety for the last year or so but all of it came to a head a year again when I had to face a trauma from the past. I was sexual assaulted. It ruined me but I refused to face it. It over-took my life without realizing it. The need to not think about that pushed me into my health issues and it went over the top.

I've had a endless list of worries, heart issues, all different types of cancer and tumors. You name it? I've worried about it or thought I had it.

Yet? All of my test have come back clear or with something that wasn't so bad after all. I don't have stomach, pancreas cancer. I have IBS. I was dizzy and strange fuzzy issues with my hands and legs? Endless list, brain tumors or cancers or MS or something awful (still on going at times) the results of lack of iron and vitamin B12. Blood cancers? Lymphoma? Just over thinking and hands pressing to much. Heart issues? Chest pains? Tried and tested. Anxiety and acid. Eye's strange? How about wearing my glasses. Strange feelings in my ear/jaw area? Probably just tensing my jaw

Okay, as I typed that I known how much longer the list is getting and oh boy I won't go into it all. I would be a unlucky soul to get it all.

I've listed time and time again the tests I've gotten, yet my mind would always jump to another issues. Stomach okay? Has to be heart issues. Eye's strange? I had a eye test last year and she gave me glasses I don't wear. Wait that's okay- wait I read about brain tumors and cancer.

I've had so many tests in the last year, I've gotta stop thinking about all the issues that might be. I would be very, very sick at this stage or have dropped. I've got my yearly bloods in November and I'm sure I can make it to that if I've made it past the last year. I'm 22, so a heart issues or another sudden awful things that have been tests for is small.

Like, I know I'll have off days again. Worries but it's about talking myself down from it. Remember all the good tests and stop looking for the issues that I'm looking for. That no one's worried about but me. I'm okay, I've made it a full year.

For the sexual assult...that's a real work in process but I see that thing's can be okay. That I can tell people the truth about what happened, that I can trust in people. I've talked to a few people here about the big event but I won't write it here.

Another thing I faced? Flying on my own! I manged to fly two hours over and back- so four hours of plane time by myself! Who would have thought ! I was so proud of myself. I thought I would back out!

So, this is super long. The path is long, there's a lot ahead but I want to face it. I'm going out more, I was gone for two hole weeks, came on this website once that whole time. I find myself coming here less and less. Worrying less and less at the moment. I'm making plans to go out and see people. When I do see them, I don't feel the mind to talk about my health 24/7! I can just enjoy the moment. Just be 22.

Thank you for reading

[pulisa]

You are doing really well, Louise and it's so true that at 22 you shouldn't be talking about your aches and pains to your friends, especially when you have been thoroughly checked over and given the all clear! You should enjoy the freedom of being 22 and cast off and move on from your HA.

I know you have a lot of work to face up to in therapy but with professional help and support and the love of your family and friends you won't be doing this alone.

I think you should be very proud of your progress and thank you for posting this very positive update xx

[vicky23]

Argh I'm now thinking of the Taylor Swift song
I'm so glad you're doing well, that really is excellent progress
All best wishes
XXX

[pulisa]

Twenny-two oo-hoo!!

I'm sure Louise has got more going for her than media-controlled TS though!

[Bluetoffee1878]

Louise you are doing really well and I wish you all the best for the future too.

I also suffered triggers by the fear of my heart rate increasing which brought on chronic pain in my shoulder chest and made me feel like I was going to die of a heart attack ! When the docs told me I was fine I’d think it was something else! Tumours! Or I’m going crazy or whatever else my mind made up and I’m now 35, I would freeze and suffer depersonalisation and derealisation following two bad attacks close together and I was very scared and it’s been a battle ever since, at my worse I felt like suicide was following me around everywhere, it was happening in my town, on th tv, in the news and it was making me feel horrible, it gave me intrusive thoughts and actually made me panic even more! But why? Because I didn’t ever want to do that! But my mind was so full of negative thoughts you struggle to find the goodness to fester on instead of the negative !

I’ve used CBT and been put on amitriptyline for my pain and this has helped to relaxe me too. I am no longer suffering constant palpitations, most of my chronic shoulder pain has disappeared and just last week I completed a 96 mile walk over 5 days! It was so hard but I done it free of fear. I have kept my fear at bay and had excellent control over my panic/anxiety/nervous adrenaline cortisol chemical combination that flows through my body for weeks on end now!! But What’s strange for me is when I do get this feeling it’s no longer accompanied by fear! I can still get on with everything but it’s still annoying! What I’m trying to figure out now is will it ever completely go?! Is my body reacting to certain situations that make my adrenaline flow?! Things that arnt necessarily fearful but are nerve racking like watching a football match or boxing! Meeting friends is another situation, they are all aware of how I’ve been feeling and I guess I create these feelings and it’s confusing me as to why I get so nervous?! I’ve always suffered from health anxiety and had large periods of my childhood when I would be scared to leave the house because of bullies so I guess these are all just triggers?! I have been more conscious of my heart when I’m falling asleep and think that’s annoying because I keep jumping just as I’m about to nod off! Sometimes I wake through the night and have to remind myself that everything is ok and go back to sleep!

Today and yesterday I’ve had that feeling of doom ! Without the fear of doom, if that makes any sense?! that combination I referred to earlier and I guess it’s just slightly got the better of me today and I’m having a wee down day which is ok! This does tend to happen every 2 -3 weeks but at the start it was much shorter lapses that crippled me with fear ! my favourite saying is don’t let a bad today ruin a good tomorrow! So I guess I need to listen to my own advice lol

I’m now 4 months with no panic attack, pain free almost and about a 75% reduction in my palpitations, no more dr google, no more negative news feeds on my apps, lots more exercise, doing well at work, being more open, good brain retrain techniques, absorbing the right knowledge to help move forward and trying to put a positive spin on to any situation, I’ve also taken up photography and I’m getting married in October.

So keep fighting and living and Be proud of yourself every single day, you sound like you have made amazing progress and you deserve to be proud of that..

wishing you well Gary

[LouiseAndy]

Thank you all so much for your reply! When it was my birthday back in July everyone posted that song to facebook wall! It was a lot of T. Swift to deal with at once!

Gary! I hope you find total peace in life. It can be very up and down path. I know the feeling. Like I always get feeling of panic or scared. Like what if I'm wrong about my heart if it starts beating very strongly or something I'm over thinking about! Yet we can do this. We'll be happy and content. Also huge congratulations on the wedding!! That's very existing!!

Thank you all so much for reading and replying. I'm trying not to dwell on every feeling of doom or gloom. I'm doing my best with theapry! Just moving on forward. Onwards and upwards!