Hello. My name is Claire. I am in my late twenties, married, and have two kids.
This first time I can recall my anxiety becoming a problem to the point where it affected my daily life was around 2011/2012. I lost someone very close to me due to undiagnosed health issue and from that I think stemmed the health anxiety issues I have today.
For the longest time I insisted that I didnt need help. Finally, at some point in 2012, I disclosed to my doctor my struggles with anxiety and depression. She prescribes me Zoloft and recommended therapy. I took the prescription, said I follow up with a therapist, and went on my way. I never did follow up with the therapist, but I did fill the prescription.
That cycle continued until a few months ago. I eventually got to the point where I was taking 200mg of Zoloft a day but still feeling panicked and anxious nearly all the time. I never truly let anyone know how bad it was for me. I was able to brush it off when someone asked how I was feeling, hiding the panic attacks I suffered in silence when my kids were at school, and the self-harm I inflicted in hard to see places.
The breaking point was a few weeks ago. I had made a new friend. Our kids played together. I saw her on Friday and on Sunday I noticed her kids hadnt been around school. It turns out, she had passed away. She was younger than me and I saw her only a few days before.
I spiralled after that. I went into a dark depression and panic that I couldnt be roused from. I sobbed. I hurt myself. And when I wasnt doing that i was laying immobile on the sofa, not cooking, cleaning, or engaging with my family. My husband didnt know what to do. I didnt know what to do. I felt empty and blank and like at any moment I was going to die. just knew that something was brewing in my body that was going to kill me. It wasn't a possibility, it was an inevitability. I looked at my children and wondered how their lives would be without me.
That fugue state lasted for over a week before I finally gained enough sense to realize that living like this is not normal and also not the only option.
I've since reached out for help. I'm changing my medication for starters. But I also disclosed to my husband the extent of my illness. I was so scared he was going to be mad or disappointed but mostly he was just sad that I had been suffering for so long in silence. I also started a group therapy that focuses around mindfulness and CBT. I've had a few individual therapy sessions, also. I was feeling proud of myself. And happy.
And now I feel like I'm spiralling again. I can feel the panic wrapping around me like damp fabric and it seems like of the tools I've been learning have been thrown out the window. So I thought u would give here a try. I've read here but never posted for quite some time. Its helped me get over some health anxiety I have. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to get out of posting here. I'm not sure what else I can do to be "normal", or at the very least balanced. All I know is I'm tired.