Have I got rectal cancer?

[Carys]

I think once this testing has taken place, then there will be resolution. Hopefully. On this issue at least.

Hopefully Toby will read the rest of the advice given by Terry as well, as reducing reassurance-seeking requires something else to take its place and there are some good ideas there.

At this point Toby, it isn't surprising at all that you are totally convinced of having cancer and having nightmares. You have spent month after month after month reinforcing that stance, thinking about it and every single bodily sensation and 'symptom', it has been your entire focus. You have systematically given credence to your belief in every waking hour; reading horror stories, doubting doctors, playing the 'but what IF' to every piece of reassurance. The human mind is powerful, and having an entire conviction that you have cancer is testament to how 'brainwashing' (cos thats basically what you've done to yourself, in a truly, deeply negative way) can be achieved. Honestly, you could have convinced yourself you were pregnant in the same way, LOL. Only when you start challenging your belief, replacing thoughts with different ones and working on that will things improve. You won't even believe for one moment that what I say here and what others have said through this thread could be true, such is the depth of your conviction at this point. Later, when things are 'on the up' (which will happen!!!) you need to look back at this as a detailed documented lesson.

[pulisa]

Personally I think continuing this thread has added to your difficulties, Toby. Unless you can use all the information given to you here by people who know what they are talking about then it is just serving to enforce and enable your HA which is so counterproductive to any progress.

[MyNameIsTerry]

But surely we can't encourage another 112 pages? There's a wealth of excellent advice in this thread for Toby to look back on and consider.

I'm not. I'm simply acknowledging the fact it takes time to change and there is no sense in frustrated posts that just make Admin's life harder. I would prefer he uses a tool such as a diary and learns to post less as this will remove the reassurance seeking element but it will likely mean time to switchover.

[Carys]

I think if it was another 112 pages moving in a more constructive way, then that would be 'mission accomplished'. I think Toby is enabling his HA quite well enough in his real life without us saying or doing anything to be honest. I don't think his reassurance-seeking even gives him any relief right now from his fears, so definitely time to try something else.

[pulisa]

I sincerely hope that Toby soon has access to a therapist who understands how tormenting coping with AS can be and how it impinges on his HA. It must be incredibly isolating for him but NMP shouldn't be used as a replacement for real life support.

[Toby2000]

I've replied on this serial thread several times and I've replied and deleted replies, but this? As a survivor, I have to speak up...

I hope those following this thread see how vividly and clearly this illustrates what mental illness can do to you as well as the very obvious behavioral and thought patterns associated with it. I implore those following this thread to use it as a catalyst to help yourself if you're not already doing so. If you're suffering, get help! Please don't it allow it to take your life! And please, keep in mind the dragon will use this as well as anything, including negativity, to feed himself. All we're doing here, and I'm guilty as well, is feeding the OP's dragon.

I truly hope you get help and find some relief.

Some links to help...

In the UK: https://mentalhealth-uk.org/

In the US: https://www.mentalhealth.gov/

Here's to wishing everyone healing....

Positive thoughts

Thank you FMP.. it definitely is a dragon. I’m still taking the meds which are definitely helping but as soon as I hopefully get the all clear after the tests I’m aiming to start therapy

[Toby2000]

Toby, I'm sorry, I'm out.

You've let this take over every single part of your life and now it looks as though it's consumed you entirely.

I can't bear to watch someone else make the same mistakes it took me decades to recover from.

I understand.. thanks BlueIris, you’ve really helped me too with this

[Toby2000]

Thanks Toby - I will keep updated on your progress but will take a back seat for now. You know you can PM me if you want to. You will get there I promise.

Thats fine Thank you

[Toby2000]

You have a serious anxiety disorder - this is the sad truth. This is the reason those with physical illnesses like cancer can continue with their lives and fight it, whereas you feel as though you'd lose control and fall to bits. Perhaps you would.

Furthermore, this is why we also say treating the mental disorder is as important as treating any physical illness.

It really is the difference between being a victim or a survivor. Same situation, different attitude.

People who are positive are amazing, I envy them, I wish I could have their mindset even if I may not have cancer but unfortunately I’m naturally negative. I would see a diagnosis as a definite death sentence which is why above all else, I don’t want to be diagnosed because there would be no coming back for me :( Not that it is a death sentence but I’d just be scared of recurrence even if it was treatable

[Toby2000]

Toby,

Just keep going. Day by day, minute by minute. It's really too soon to be judging antidepressant effectiveness.

Try to rationalise that like intrusive thoughts our dreams have no meaning, they aren't any clue into the future. You can try your best to let them go but until you are further in recovery it's to be expected such triggers are a problem.

That's the thing with recovery, it can take a lot of time. Until then, the same behaviour and cycles continue and I think that needs to be remembered on here. The only difference between the reassurance seeker and the avoider is, people rarely get annoyed by avoiders as they don't see them. Thus there is an issue in the people replying too and they have to learn to accept that recovery will take it's time and until then...expect more of the same.

Take on board the positives that have been said. Work on recovery. Try to steer your reassurance away from today's online culture and use a thought diary. I guarantee then no one will be frustrated regardless of whether you get any better...out of sight out of mind but a thought diary would be better for you anyway as it will steer you away from reassurance seeking, a compulsion that needs to be eliminated and into a more production self assurance stage.

Im trying to stay strong but it’s so difficult. I lead a very depressing life even without all this cancer stuff, this just makes me think if I do get the all clear, I want to go back and fix parts of my life and change and improve my quality of life. But the thought of me being well all feels like wishful thinking

On the subject of antidepressants, could it be possible that aside effects can occur even over 3 weeks in? I’m like 24 days in now and today I had diarrhoea and over the last few days as Ive mentioned, I’ve had stomach pains on both sides that seem to have become more prominent and noticeable over the last two days. Nothing major, just vague pains in certain spots around my stomach. My diet has been very poor over the last couple of days but this is the first time in ages I’ve had stomach pain so I doubt my diet is the cause as my diet has always been bad

I didn’t look too deeply into the dream, I know it’s not signalling anything but it did make me think.. what if my dad or mum have colon cancer too and I got it because of them? I know they don’t but that’s a thought that went through my head

I’ve tried a thought diary before, back in 2015 when I was worrying about my mum and it didn’t really help me. Honestly I think as the tablets are starting to kick in I’m googling less and less and I can just live with the thoughts, it’s just my physical symptoms that are making me really anxious. I will occasionally look up something to do with colon cancer but it’s less frequent now

Thanks for the reply