Have I got rectal cancer?

[pulisa]

I agree with Iris. Your whole world is centred around your HA. Having ASD certainly complicates matters but you've taken the initiative to push for treatment from your GP so why not take the initiative and get some voluntary work at a charity shop or elsewhere? At least it would keep you away from the internet for a while even though you will say that you can't stop thinking about your symptoms etc etc etc.

I anticipate a multitude of "Yes but" excuses. Prove me wrong?

[pulisa]

Have a think about how your life would be without HA and how you would fill your days? Maybe you are scared of how it would feel and how you would cope with the change and the "freedom"?

[BlueIris]

Just to add, last I checked, the person who worked around their chemo was still going strong.

[glittery]

Toby,

I really feel your pain, but you need to find out ways to keep yourself busy. You are a young guy who has so much more to see in this world.

You are dying even before you are dead, not because of cancer, but because you have HA.

You need to start eating healthy, get yourself a job and pick yourself up.

Trust me, there are days when I obsess over my health too. I mean my forum here says it all. But I try my best to control it for days.

You are not going to die. You do not have Cancer. You are just telling yourself that you have cancer so that you can stop moving forward and lead a normal life.

Your thoughts have started to control you more than you control them. Your thoughts are your barrier to a happy life, not cancer.

Do you have any family members or friends who can help you through this?

[Carys]

....and do you know what, even if you DID have cancer (which you certainly DON'T) would this be the way you'd like to spend the last days of your life (weeks, years..) ? People who actually do have cancer try to make the most of their time, make things happen, have fun and so on.

[Toby2000]

You had the all clear - you do not have cancer.

If you choose to carry on living like you do then there is nothing more I can offer you in the way of advice as you ignore it all anyway.

If this is how you to choose to live your life then that is your right to do that and no-one on here can make you change anything.

So carry on living like this and just accept this is how you are going to be forever as you will not accept any other diagnosis than cancer.

Such a wasted young life but it is your life and we are not in control of that - YOU are.

I feel bad for you Toby but once again I am not going to post on here as I came back to see the results and they were excellent and you have turned it around again into another cancer issue.

You should be happy and moving on but you won't sadly and I feel bad for that but one day maybe you will so good luck. I am out of this post once again

I'm sorry that I've disappointed you :(

I wish I could think differently but this just feels never ending

[Toby2000]

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T: Why wouldn't you? Think about what your doctor(s) have done. Would a test designed to just have a look what's there actually treat something and make it go away? How does someone saying you have xyz actually treat xyz? Would you describe it as a reasonable belief that it should?

Why would you think it would? Why would talking therapy change those physical processes when they rely on making changes to your diet. It can help you will the stress side of the impacts on your symptoms but it won't make it all go away as it's out of scope for that type of treatment. You might as well ask for an asthma inhaler to help with it.

It doesn't, it works for far more than that. Otherwise it never would have me when my GAD was 24/7 non stop feeling anxious for often no reason whatsoever. You can only say that's how it works for you and unless you have been putting in many months of it you are very much at the start if learning it and seeing the benefits such as science has shown in how it reduces the fear centre and increased the comparison centre, things all of us can be helped by.

You are back to seeing therapy routes as ignoring illness. Where is your illness? Please explain to me how an entire branch of modern medicine is telling people to ignore their illnesses? You do realise that therapy is used to help actual cancer sufferers too along with a wide range of physical conditions, chronic or terminal. How would telling them to ignore they are ill work?

What does the NHS say about therapy? Do they say it does any of this?

I'd be less worried about seeing what is clearly blood but this could've been clotted blood, I'm not sure what food it could've been. I wouldn't expect the bright red blood to go away but how does hemorrhoids explain what could be clotted blood?

I went again today and had a close look and there was no blood or anything that looked like that red/purpley blob to be seen. If it was a tumour bleeding surely it would be a lot of blood, especially this far in to my time experiencing symptoms - 9 months. If it is anything serious it's playing MIND GAMES with me.

I'm sorry for being ignorant about therapy. I really WISH I could just switch off, ACCEPT that multiple doctors/trained health care providers (4 GPs, 4 111 advisers, a specialist) have said that it won't be cancer but my mind just goes to those stories of people in a similar situation to me who did end up with cancer

And the situation with my mum is just the icing on the cake for my anxiety

I know it's not about ignoring illnesses but it feels like giving up chasing a diagnosis, letting the ****** grow but it's alright because I'll have therapy. It just feels so depressing, you know?

Not to say I won't do therapy, like I say I have signed up for it. I'm just in such a horrible place right now

[Toby2000]

Just to pick up on your comments about it not being worth doing anything, Toby...

I know people who've worked through chemo. It wasn't easy and they had to schedule time off around when they were most fatigued, but they did it and they kept on coming in.

When I've been really bad with HA, it's been my job that's kept me (halfway) sane. You can't fall to bits when you're surrounded by people who don't necessarily know you that well and might not understand. I know this sounds like a bad thing, but it really wasn't. I'm not saying it wasn't murder, or that it completely stopped me self-checking or even that I was a particularly good worker during these times. What it did do, however, was keep me on some sort of a level until the worst of the storm passed.

Why don't you head into town tomorrow and see if any of your local charity shops need a volunteer? It'd be great for your CV, great for your mental health and great for the charity.

I'm so happy that they got through it

I just don't think I'd be able to handle being seriously ill, I wince when I think about it. I'm too pessimistic for anything like that :(

That's very true, it is a good form of passing the time and is a distraction but upon coming home it's like an immediate slump of depression for me

I just don't have the energy or motivation to want to do anything. Plus whenever I leave the house I'm terrified of seeing ex-classmates or people I know because I have social anxiety. Not that they would make fun of me, they probably wouldn't take a second look unless they were someone I was friendly with, but even then I feel like everyone's looking at me and judging me. I'm insecure about my appearance and I'm just generally very introverted, right now my life is 90% indoors. Even at the doctor's I'm scared someone's gonna walk in the waiting room who I know and my mind plays out scenarios about what might happen

[Toby2000]

Have a think about how your life would be without HA and how you would fill your days? Maybe you are scared of how it would feel and how you would cope with the change and the "freedom"?

If I wasn't worrying and I had a better, cleaner mindset I would be starting my A Levels right now. My year group has started them

That's not the issue at all, in fact I'm desperate for change and freedom from this. I was gonna COMPLETELY turn my life around if I found out I was cancer free for sure but I'm still stuck in this depressing loop

[Toby2000]

Toby,

I really feel your pain, but you need to find out ways to keep yourself busy. You are a young guy who has so much more to see in this world.

You are dying even before you are dead, not because of cancer, but because you have HA.

You need to start eating healthy, get yourself a job and pick yourself up.

Trust me, there are days when I obsess over my health too. I mean my forum here says it all. But I try my best to control it for days.

You are not going to die. You do not have Cancer. You are just telling yourself that you have cancer so that you can stop moving forward and lead a normal life.

Your thoughts have started to control you more than you control them. Your thoughts are your barrier to a happy life, not cancer.

Do you have any family members or friends who can help you through this?

I just feel like because I keep seeing traces of blood and whatever that was in my BM the other night, blood or whatever, there is definitely a problem so it's hard to accept that I'm fine :(

My family members have tried and they still do try but you know, it's tough on them and they have no way of proving that I don't so :/

Thank you so much for the advice