Have I got rectal cancer?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm sorry for causing so much trouble, I can honestly take a week long break from here if that'll make everyone feel better, it might do me some good too, though I'd have to try not to google as well

You are not causing any trouble, Toby. The rules are clear and use of the forum is up to Admin anyway so take your steer from them.

That being said it would benefit you to put your energies into real life activities rather than be sitting in front of a screen. That has nothing to do with any perceptions of members on here but to benefit your mental health.

We realise it's hard to get into activities and socialise. Many of us have the same issues. When we give advice to try we know it's not easy and that we have struggled, we may still be, so advice can seem a bit like it sounds easy to us but that's really not the case. It is easy to tell others how to deal with situations simply because it has no impact on us but when it comes to doing it ourselves it is a whole different ball game...otherwise NMP wouldn't have a reason to exist in the first place. Just working out what to do and post a few lines is nothing like actually doing it all and we appreciate this.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It felt nice to be out I guess but it also felt like my mind was like "retreat" as soon as I started thinking about cancer but I kept going

Getting back on topic.

It felt nice, that's better than nothing. I remember nothing felt nice at all in my worst times, it was just endless worry about what I was feeling. If you can at least feel something is nice then keep going with it. It will get easier.

If you sit about at home you will turn in on yourself even more and with an obsessive-compulsive disorder that will mean nothing but obsessing over xyz and compulsions.

Yes, you will feel the need to retreat. You have more to deal with in this respect but any of us with anxiety know the need to escape. Unfortunately you have to work on tolerating things until it subsides. It's a lot of hard work, exposure always is as it's like sticking your hand into a fire with the subconscious screaming at you to do the opposite as it just feels all wrong.

So, get a plan of action. Add some things in each day to get you moving about. I appreciate social activites are hard for you but even housework (making your mum happy can make you happy) and going for a walk with your dog/playing with her is something. Those somethings add up and lead to other things. It's all micro goals.

[BlueIris]

Agreeing with Terry here. Not sure if you've read my recent thread, but the absolute last thing I want to do today is leave the house and interact with people. I've been giving serious thought to just calling in and staying home, but in the end, that would be false comfort as I'll only have to confront the anxiety at a later date, and it will be harder then.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Agreeing with Terry here. Not sure if you've read my recent thread, but the absolute last thing I want to do today is leave the house and interact with people. I've been giving serious thought to just calling in and staying home, but in the end, that would be false comfort as I'll only have to confront the anxiety at a later date, and it will be harder then.

It's a false economy isn't it, BlueIris? It feels too hard, typically nasty anticipatory anxiety, but the more you don't do things the more your confidence suffers and anxiety finds new targets to torment you with. There is a time for having a break to work on yourself, and environmental issues could be preventing someone from moving forward at their current stage when they aren't as strong, but you always end up having to get out there.

[BlueIris]

Exactly, Terry, yes.

Don't get me wrong, self-care is definitely important and there are circumstances under which I'd have definitely taken that sickie. In the end, though, if I'm capable of faking normality for the period I need to be out of the house (actually, no, forget normality, the ability to function at 10% capacity will normally suffice), I tend to grit my teeth and deal with it, because every day I hide from it, my world narrows down a little more.

[Toby2000]

Getting back on topic.

It felt nice, that's better than nothing. I remember nothing felt nice at all in my worst times, it was just endless worry about what I was feeling. If you can at least feel something is nice then keep going with it. It will get easier.

If you sit about at home you will turn in on yourself even more and with an obsessive-compulsive disorder that will mean nothing but obsessing over xyz and compulsions.

Yes, you will feel the need to retreat. You have more to deal with in this respect but any of us with anxiety know the need to escape. Unfortunately you have to work on tolerating things until it subsides. It's a lot of hard work, exposure always is as it's like sticking your hand into a fire with the subconscious screaming at you to do the opposite as it just feels all wrong.

So, get a plan of action. Add some things in each day to get you moving about. I appreciate social activites are hard for you but even housework (making your mum happy can make you happy) and going for a walk with your dog/playing with her is something. Those somethings add up and lead to other things. It's all micro goals.

It's always nice to step outside if it's sunny, but at the same time it's sad and with every step I'm going over reasons for seeing blood and then I start to feel slightly sick with anxiety, like I need to retreat back to my safe zone.

I know I have to work on it but it doesn't feel worth it at the moment because it feels like accepting the fact that I might have cancer. Obviously I can work on that but yeah

My mum is always on my back about what I'm going to do in the future etc, I do play with the dog a lot. I think I've just fallen into a pit of nothing and I have pretty much no motivation to do anything

Well, today I'm off to the doctors where I'll tell them about what's been happening recently. I'm sure they won't care and they'll tell me it's this and that and nothing to worry about.

I'm gonna ask for a sigmoidoscopy which I know you're against but I need something to push me out of this worry (if there is a tumor or polyp I'm 95% sure it's in the sigmoid colon) so I can get the motivation to work on my anxiety and at least feel a little reassured/clear headed enough to start my A Levels again. Cause I can't keep on going with this, as pathetic as that sounds, unless I can just stay at home and do nothing until it passes, but that's not an option unfortunately now I'm an adult and need to start paying tax and finally do my A Levels and get my parents off my back etc.

[Toby2000]

Exactly, Terry, yes.

Don't get me wrong, self-care is definitely important and there are circumstances under which I'd have definitely taken that sickie. In the end, though, if I'm capable of faking normality for the period I need to be out of the house (actually, no, forget normality, the ability to function at 10% capacity will normally suffice), I tend to grit my teeth and deal with it, because every day I hide from it, my world narrows down a little more.

I can 100% relate with this. Whenever I went to college I felt like I hated people** so much that I have to fake being interested in whatever they have to talk about that seems so trivial to me because of my worries about life and death. Everything just starts to feel like a blur and sound like noise that you have to put up with

**I did have friends but my worries made me care less about socializing even more than usual and they went on about things that really meant nothing to me in a time of my own mental suffering where I just wanted to be at home

I mean I did like college, I enjoyed the lessons and teachers and the people there were nice, but when you feel like you have bigger things on your mind the bigger thing consumes you and college turns into a second priority and a hardship which isn't ideal if you want to pass your A-Levels

[Scass]

It’s not just what you eat Toby, it’s also anxiety that causes the bowel problems. So add in the diet & it gets worse. So if you’re going to try with diet, maybe try with anxiety? Do you ever try relaxation methods? You have to stick with these things, not just try for 2 days and decide they don’t work.

Don’t be bullied away from the forum, take a break if you want to take a break.

I didn’t realise you had aspergers, how do you think it affects your anxiety?

Well done for going out the other day, keep at it. When I used to have bad anxiety when out, I used to distract myself by looking at all the houses I passed and imagining who lived in them & what they were doing. Weird I know, but it stops you focusing on yourself.


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[Carys]

People shouldn't be posting on here, who have absolutely no idea about HA, which is clear from their lack of understanding about this condition and their distorted black and white view of mental health issues. No, Toby isn't manipulative, and anyone who has experienced this level of anxiety will know it. Frustrating, yes lol I recognise ALL elements of his behaviour from his age, that I had myself.

[Toby2000]

It’s not just what you eat Toby, it’s also anxiety that causes the bowel problems. So add in the diet & it gets worse. So if you’re going to try with diet, maybe try with anxiety? Do you ever try relaxation methods? You have to stick with these things, not just try for 2 days and decide they don’t work.

Don’t be bullied away from the forum, take a break if you want to take a break.

I didn’t realise you had aspergers, how do you think it affects your anxiety?

Well done for going out the other day, keep at it. When I used to have bad anxiety when out, I used to distract myself by looking at all the houses I passed and imagining who lived in them & what they were doing. Weird I know, but it stops you focusing on yourself.

Yep I know it does. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to escape unless you stop worrying about it altogether.

Yeah and I don't know to be honest. I view my health anxiety as a separate "thing" to Asperger's which I think just affects my social skills and makes me more introverted, HA just gives me another reason to be introverted on top of that

Haha I like that. Sometimes I'm able to distract myself but other times I must look like the personification of a rainy day walking on the streets because of my mood