Hi all,
New to the forums here at nomorepanic, I'm Alex, 28, and come with what I believe has roots in anxiety and panic but shares many similarities with psychosis. I've seen many professionals in my 3 months of purgatory, none of whom either know what to make of my symptoms, or disregarded 90% of my symptoms to fit into a nice diagnostic category. One was genuine enough to admit she'd never heard the like, but I found one user on this forum who suffered an almost identical syndrome. He doesn't appear to be active anymore (hopefully he recovered), but hence this is what brought me here.
Earlier this year I experienced 2 weeks of DP/DR after taking sertraline, which was then wiped away by what I can only describe as existential horror. Whilst in the DP/DR state I experienced a moment where it seemed like my brain was trying to capture every movement at once. This gave way to a constant questioning of time, which has resulted in what I can only describe as a phobia of the fluidity of life. My mind, in its sickening ingenuity, also managed to apply this phobic reaction to my internal thoughts, not being comfortable with anything more than 2 second segments before the thought fades and I can literally feel it being 'dragged back' and erased from present focus. I cannot look at anything, have a conversation, watch tv, or do any of the things I used to enjoy, without thinking about time. It is like I am in a box, with my brain being terrified of the fact that this moment will soon be 'past', terrified of future planning because the future does not exist and it cannot figure it out, and uncomfortable with the present, with all its' unconscious, uncategprised spontaneity, fluidity and emotion that it cannot comprehend. I have been living in this hell, with my old perceptions completely erased now for 3-4 months. I am so tired of it but I know it is not just going to fix itself when I wake up one morning. In addition it flips it lid trying to figure out virtually any experiential concept "what should I be feeling with this", and when it has no outlet for this line of questioning it warps into extra sensory discomfort, because, you know. Couldn't just let me chill for 5 minutes.
I won't be dishonest and say there haven't been improvements, I have begun to feel marginally better since being put on an appropriate medication regime. But to get that far I had to endure 3 months of 24/7 agony before I went to a&e and basically said either it is taken as seriously as it is or I won't do another day of it, if you catch my meaning. So now existence, time, memory and thinking are now just uncomfortable rather than agonising. It is true that the old me is still here with my intellect and insight that probably got me into this mess to begin with. As mentioned I had noticed users with similarly horrific conditions in very similar circumstances. If anyone has any insight, experience or success stories with this type of existential breakdown I would love to hear from you.
Best regards
Alex
Reply With Quote
