I think I'm getting better?

[housetoad]

Hi all, haven't made a post on here for a while as I''ve been having CBT for about 7 weeks and as part of my therapy I've been trying to avoid over googling/researching into my anxiety as this makes me think about it more.
Maybe you are wondering why I am on here then...well, as well as I have been avoiding this website (which has helped a lot) I just wanted to post an update and ask for some advice.
I've been completely med free since the end of June and feel tons better for it. The citalopram was not for me. When I saw the doctor last in early July, he was pleased at my progress and believed I would be just fine without any new meds, and said to keep taking my diazepam if I needed it.
Since coming off cit, I have not felt depressed at all which was a big problem whilst on it, and whilst I've still had anxiety and panic attacks, these have decreased greatly in duration and frequency.
I started taking ashwaghanda in mid July, I believe this has helped a lot. If anyone is considering natural remedies I strongly recommend this.
But most of all what has helped is the therapy. In my therapy I have been learning how to live through the anxiety, let the thoughts happen and to breathe and live life again. The more positive experiences I have the better. I've had bad days here and there, but no where near as bad as before. I still get anxious sometimes, but it doesn't run my life. I've had a bit of a 'meh' day today actually. But the key is to not overthink as tomorrow is a new day. More and more recently I've been having days where I feel like my old self again.
I can now drink alcohol for the first time in months, without feeling anxious about it. Previously I wouldn't allow myself, believing I was 'brain-damaged' and 'mentally ill' and 'deficient' and it had taken a lot of weeks of therapy to target this belief. Anxiety and panic isn't a mental illness- you are not going crazy or losing your mind. It is simply a matter of nerves and any symptom you experience can be explained by science.
Since then I've also been measuring my levels of anxiety, which have decreased:
24/05/18 10/18 (when I was still on meds)
20/07/18 10/18
30/07/18 4/10

Clare Weekes' Self Help for your Nerves was also a lifesaver, completely changed my perspective on anxiety.

My CBT therapist thinks I've responded well to the therapy, so well, in fact, that she says I can stop having therapy for a few weeks so I don't think of my anxiety as much and to see how that goes. This is great news and encouraging but I can't help but feel a bit daunted, even though she said I can just come back if I need to.

What I seek advice about though is, am I really getting better/recovering? What are the signs of recovering from an anxiety disorder? Whilst I feel I really am recovering, I still get scared and anxious and at times I think about the anxiety a lot. It will just be random thoughts about anxiety, but I feel like the anxious thoughts might be the last to go.

I know I will always experience anxiety in my life, it is an emotion, but I want to be able to live my life without fearing it or thinking about it as much. Those days where I feel like my normal self and hardly think about it are so precious and rewarding to me.

Hope this wasn't too long, but any advice or perspective is greatly appreciated.

[Suziewuzie]

What a lovely post
It sounds like you've worked really hard to get yourself to this point & I hope you're incredibly proud of that.
Your experience of anxiety sounds similar to mine a couple of years ago. I also felt I was going mad and also found the citalopram made me mildly depressed which had never been an issue for me previously. I too learned to just let the anxious feelings come and go, and avoided sites like these and googling my symptoms and I learned to love life again and live like a normal person!

I would say that's definitely recovering from anxiety, and it really sounds like you are recovering. It's normal to think "Is this too good to be true?" When you feel so 'normal' after a long time of feeling anxious. Soon you will get to a point where you stop doing this - where you're so content that it doesn't matter if you're cured/recovered, because you're settled and happy and aren't thinking about anxiety.

I went through a very stressful event recently & my brain/body responded by going into full on anxious mode, back to panic attacks and anxious thoughts etc. I started counselling IMMEDIATELY and told my counsellor that I was so upset that it was happening again after I was cured for so long. But she reminded me that I've not 'gone back there' I'm not un-cured, I'm just an anxious person and I'd forgotten how to manage my anxiety after being rid of it for so long. She helped me look at all the tools I'd used last time & reminded me of all the things I'd forgotten about and honestly, I'm handling it just fine and know I'll be out the other side soon.

Basically, you can't possibly know that you won't go down this path again. But if you do, so what? It's not a relapse or going backwards, and honestly it's much less scary because once you've been through it and come out the other side you know you can do it again. You may well need to be reminded how to manage your anxiety again in the future because those feelings might return. If they do, you'll manage them just as you are now.
Enjoy the good days and long may they continue!

[Lola-Lee]

What a nice reply Suzie.

[housetoad]

@suziewuzie thanks so much for your kind reply. the only problem I have now is the intrusive thoughts still, but I feel like that's the last part to go, i don't know?? but it's still distressing. It will just be me thinking about my anxiety, some days it's not there, but most days it is there unfortunately. It will just be a running monologue about my anxiety and of course I do my best to keep busy, but it will just be random crap to do with my anxiety, not necessarily harmful stuff, sometimes something like 'it's just your nerves' but I know, and I've done so well I just wish I could not think about it at all anymore...I find this thoughts disturbing, it's what's stopping me from feeling like my true self. If anyone could help or offer advice/solution that would be so appreciated