New Job, New Anxiety, Horrible Way of Living
Hello Everyone,
To keep it brief, I used to be very active on this Forum years back and I find myself visiting time and time again if I am feeling anxious or blue. I find both the content and the users on here incredible and both have seriously helped me through the darkest times in my life. I suffer primarily from P.O.C.D along with completely debilitating Anxiety. I was on a very high dosage of Zoloft for about 3 years and stopped taking it back in 2015. I currently am on no other medications aside from Birth Control, which I have been taking for years now.
I am hoping the wonderful users on this site can help me with my latest issue. After 8 years of working at a very small company with wonderful people, I made the difficult decision to leave my job for (what I thought) was a MUCH better opportunity. I doubled my pay, receive excellent benefits and now work for one of the world's Fortune 50 companies. I worked very hard to get this job and landed in a Leadership Development position that is considered very 'prestigious' and sought-after amongst my peers. I am about 2-months into the job thus far.
Needless to say, I am very depressed with the outcome thus far. I have never worked in a Corporate environment, and I went from working at a company with 200 employees to working at a company with 300,000 employees located all over the Globe. The people that I work with are rude, pretentious and cut-throat. The floor that I work on needs white-noise pumped in due to how quiet it is. Nobody talks to me except my boss, probably only because he has to. I feel incredibly overwhelmed as they threw me right into my position with little to no training and I was also told not to ask too many questions and figure it out on my own...something I am not very good at. I have not received negative feedback from my boss, but I fear that I am not doing my job well because I do not feel confident in my position as of yet.
I should also note that I am very, very introverted, quiet and shy. Everyone around me seems to have no issues voicing their opinion. They are very much extroverted and, while rude, they are all incredibly smart people. I feel so out of place, have no friends at work, nobody to talk to and I feel so helpless. I know I am bringing home my anxiety and sadness to my fiancé as well, which I do NOT want to do. I am still trying to figure out my job. I am in and out of meetings all day long. I make myself sick with anxiety the night before work and on my drive in every morning. I don't speak up at all in meetings because I feel like I have nothing to contribute and I fear people will view me as incompetent or dislike me.
My coworkers at numerous points have made plans to go out that don't include me. They pride themselves on their dress and appearance, how much money they spend on things and where they vacation. I am quite the opposite. I am also not the type of person to just walk up to someone and make small-talk, so this environment is incredibly debilitating and draining. I really don't know what to do. I do not want to leave due to the pay, benefits and how good the job looks on a Resumé. I also know that 2-months on a job is not a long time and that I have to adjust and acclimate, but I do not know how to deal with the Anxiety anymore. A large portion of my job is speaking in meetings or leading them, and the thought of working with people that I am not comfortable with and do not know is frightening. I do go to CBT about once a month, but I am not sure how much that is helping me anymore. The highest Executive on our Floor is also hosting a party at her house in a few weeks and invited all of the employees. I am scared out of my mind to go since nobody talks to me and I have nobody to socialize with.
I apologize for such a long post, but I really need all of the advice and guidance I can get right now.
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