My Anxiety is Suicide

[BlueIris]

It sounds as though you need a little extra help. Why not have a chat to your GP?

[Ben1989]

It sounds as though you need a little extra help. Why not have a chat to your GP?

I just really don’t want this to be my options and I imagine they’ll put me on meds which I definitely do not want

[Fishmanpa]

I just really don’t want this to be my options and I imagine they’ll put me on meds which I definitely do not want

So what do you want? You came on asking how to help you deal with a very challenging mental situation. Several members who are sufferers themselves give you sound advice but it's not what you want? Ben, while there are a few that have the inner fortitude to climb out of the rabbit hole, the majority need some help and that's what meds and therapy are for. It's Ok to need a crutch while you're learning to walk again.

Positive thoughts

[BlueIris]

Thank you, FMP. I spent years working out that I couldn't beat my anxiety by willpower alone.

Of course, Ben, you might be stronger than I am, but what you've posted suggests not.

[pav1984]

Im on them. No shame in getting some help if you need it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Ben, you've had a big shock. Why not see it for what it is, a big trigger and not necessarily a backwards step? I would expect your GP will notice there is a traumatic element here and they know it can mean a short period of letting your body calm down. They may just monitor you.

Accept you have fallen off the wagon due to a big shock and it's time to start working on those things you learned in your therapy to get yourself back on track.

[Ben1989]

Thank you everyone. In my own opinion I see meds’ as taking a backwards step for me personally. Yes this is probably completely wrong for viewing it as such. I see it as once you’re on them you can’t come off and that’s it you’re stuck. I’d like if people told me otherwise as my view is a completely uneducated view. Especially as I thought I’d conquered it. I’m just very just scared at the moment to be honest.

As I mentioned above, before therapy I was in the same position as I didn’t know if it was my anxiety or me actually feeling this way. She pulled me towards anxiety and things calmed down so much after that but the big trigger has put me back there which is where the me being petrified comes from. It’s very hard fighting an anxiety that is actually a mental state and not a physical illness. It’s a mental illness about a mental illness. Even explaining this on here makes me feel better, actually.

[Fishmanpa]

Use of meds and the length of time you're on them is an individual thing. My sister has been on Prozac for years and my daughter has been on various meds for years as well. When I went through depression after my illnesses, I sought therapy and used meds. I was on Zoloft for 6 months and used Buspar when needed for around two years. Both enabled me to quell the negativity and focus on therapy and techniques.

Look at it this way. I complained to my doctor about the number of medications I need to take for my physical issues. He said, "Just be thankful we live in a time where a little pill can improve and prolong the quality of our lives". Whether it's for a physical or mental illness,if a pill can help you have a better quality of life, isn't it worth it?

Positive thoughts

[WiredIncorrectly]

I have known two people in my life that have committed suicide. Neither of them feared death and were in fact quite comforted by the prospect of the end.

They didn't worry about it, and weren't anxious about it.

I think Terry is 100% correct that this is anxiety based intrusive thoughts.

I've mentioned this to you before, but suicide is not an inevitable 'symptom' of depression. It's a choice that a very small number of people make. Very small.

I would imagine the fact that you're actually trying to avoid the subject and worry about it almost guarantees that you'll never actually do it. It's just an over intellectualising 'what if' scenario playing over in your mind.

This! There's only been a handful of times in life where I've felt like this is it and you have to be at the lowest point possible to get to that stage. In those periods you have no issues with dying. My doc said this to me before on how to tell the difference. It's also how the mental health team grades you. If you call up asking for help because you want to die you've pretty much told them you're not suicidal because suicidal people do not reach out for help. It's seen as a cry for help and not one to be ignored because those cries can lead to feelings of helplessness which can then lead to worse things.

Sorry I'm babbling. Personal experience. But, I think you're worried over the intrusive thoughts. Maybe worried these thoughts may get worse and cause you to commit suicide? I don't think that will happen tbh. Like I said, you have to be at a very low point mentally to get to that stage.

I have intrusive thoughts. But they're not really intrusive thoughts, they're just my morbid thoughts. Like driving in the passenger seat of a car on a motorway and telling yourself "Imagine if that lorry smashes in the side of the car. I'd be dead for certain". When I'd ride my motorbike I'd be doing 90 down the road and think "What if my hand slipped and I swerve into that wall?". I think to an extent a lot of people have stupid thoughts but they don't dwell on them. I think that's the difference between normies and anxies tbh. We overthink everything.

[Ben1989]

My feelings towards it have now subsided quite a lot. I think it was a HUGE panic trigger for me