Hey all! If y'all know my back story from my other post, skip to the second paragraph (or keep reading if you want a refresher!) So long story short, if you've read my other posts, you may be familiar with my fear of rabies, but to summarize, I was initially worried about a possible, non-bite exposure from several years ago. After I was assured by my doctor that I'm "most likely" fine, my brain, I think, decided to latch onto other ways I could get rabies. I've always been afraid of bats, even though I've never seen one in real life (that I'm aware of) other than at the zoo. My brain started to have anxiety about simply being outside because, obviously, I thought, I'll get bitten by a bat, whether in the middle of the day or not, and not know it. This has caused me to retrace my steps and walk around looking to make sure there are no downed bats where I've been walking. The other day, when I came inside my toe was hurting and I panicked and thought a bat had bitten me without me knowing, and again, I went outside and retraced my steps looking for bats (at noon), although I'm pretty sure I didn't see anything, there are always a lot of leaves in the yard, and I'm afraid I may have missed a bat by mistaking it for a leaf. Anyway, later that day, a vivid image of a bat lying on the sidewalk in front of my house popped into my head, and basically, as weird as it sounds, I am confused as to what my real memory is. Did I or did I not see a bat? I even have an image of me pushing a bat aside with my foot. So weird. Why can I so clearly see an image of a bat on the sidewalk? Did I get bitten/touch a bat and in some dissociative state ignore it? Rationally, I think if I were bitten by a bat, I would've driven right to the hospital or taken a photo of it, called and told my mom or somebody, etc. But my brain is playing the what if's. Also, my toe is tingling, just that one toe (it's been 5 days), which I know can be a beginning symptom (and yes I know, in a few days, we'll know if this is truly a symptom or not because I'd be dead). This has only heightened my worry.
Anyway, long story long, I'm thinking about getting the pre-exposure vaccine for peace of mind (granted that my toe is, hopefully, tingling because of anxiety). I know this would NOT be an end all, solve all solution, and I do have a psych appointment later this month to address my anxiety. I sincerely want to get to the root of the issue and work on the way my brain thinks and responds to anxiety and intrusive thinking with CBT. However, this vivid bat imagery is throwing me and messing with my memories and sense of reality. I'm inclined to get the PrEP because I'm outside a lot during the day, and obviously I can't keep assuming I'm getting bitten every time I step outside. However, there is also a part of me that wants to go to the ER and get the full on post-exposure series just in case that image in my brain is real. I'm really struggling with making a decision.
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