Can’t be a mum to my son, worried I’m not going to see him grow up

[Stupefy333]

Hi I’m new here. My story is a long one with so much info so bear with me.
I’m 28, female and Mum to one son. I suffered with ocd badly as a teenager which I still have but it doesn’t over rule my life now.
Since having my son (8 years ago) I have suffered immense health anxiety which has got worse over the last 3/4 years. I have so many physical symptoms from head to toe. Here are just a few and my thoughts behind them.

Fatty lumps started to develop in breasts after gaining weight after having my son and also tender and pin spots and occasional small itchy rashes. I went under breast clinic 3 different occasions and was told just fatty tissue.

These lumps started developing all over my body. Everywhere I hve fat I have lumps. They are all under skin and not typical of lipomas. I saw numerous doctors and was eventually referred to a dermatologist who told me again. It’s just fatty lumps.

I have had headaches since I was a teenager so naturally have been through the whole brain tumour scenario. I still get tight head, brain zaps and light headed ness as well as blurred vision, floaters and vertigo.
I saw a neurologist a few years ago who did some simple sensory tests like following a finger etc and said I was fine and here was no need for a CT scan.

I was then diagnosed with chronic sinusitis. Constant sinus pain, stuffy nose, post nasal drip etc. All of this I think has added to my symptoms of dizzy spells vertigo and blurred vision. I was on various steroid sprays that did nothing and then next option was surgery but I was keen on that so never went back.

3 and a half years ago I noticed a swollen lymph node in my neck. It felt firm and rubbery and didn’t hurt. This hit my anxiety hard and I started having weight loss and night sweats which also being symptoms of lymphoma made me hit rock bottom. Over a period of about 2 months I was constantly in the doctors and going to A and E for this where I had countless blood tests until I was told to stop coming to a and e as there was nothing wrong with me. I then went back to a and e with chest pain and had an x ray in which I was told something had been seen on by the doctor on the ward that night. This freaked me out immensely and I remember walking up and down the ward corridors like a mad person demanding to know more. I had one blood test when I was first admitted which was fine and then after finding out this info about the X-ray in which the doctor told me I was have to wait for the radiologist report I then had another blood test which came back with high white cells. After all my googling of lymphoma I knew this was yet another sign and so it only added to my stress and craziness. I went home that night and went to doctor the next morning to get radiologist appointment and was told all was fine and what the doctor on the ward had seen was a shadow of the light as he wasn’t fully qualified to make judgment. After this I was put on anti depressants and beta blockers which helped. I still have the lymph node in my neck that has always remained the same, around 1cm and doctors at the time said it was fine as long as it didn’t grow. Since going through that time 3 years ago I have had phases where I have worried about lymphoma again and am constantly touching my neck. Only now I have gone the opposite way and avoid going o the doctors. I have been briefly for other things and usually mention the lymph node in conversation and they always sort of say, well if it hasn’t changed or got bigger then it’s fine. One time I was offered ultrasound even after being told this to put my mind at ease but I never went. As I said my anxiety has gone from constantly being at the doctors to avoiding going now. Anyway I was on my tablets for about 18 months and seemed much better. Then I stopped them because I felt I didn’t need them anymore.

My panic returned and two years ago I had an extremely bad bout of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t even turn in bed without the room spinning. After this I started to get the panic attacks again. Heart racing, can’t breath, dizzy. Feeling like I have a fist in my chest that goes through to my back. I would phone ambulances or go to and e and get ecg and told all is fine. This made my partner very angry as he didn’t understand and thought I was making it up and would get a dry with my which made my symptoms worse.

I had a smear test two years ago and my fear was confirmed when I had bad cells. I freaked and had them removed and all was good but then I was so scared that something I worri d about came true that I didn’t go back for my 6 month check and haven’t since. I know I need to do it but it’s been so long now that it worries me more going because I’m convinced it will be bad. I know this is irrational thinking.

Anyway After going back on the meds I felt better and the attacks stopped.
Over the last few months I have started to have nerve problems. I have had a pulling sensation in my mid left back under shoulder blade that only happened occasionally to start with and now seems to be they all the time. I have been getting numbness down my arms and ring and little fingers as well as trapped nerve sensations which make my fingers spasm. I have had burning sensations on skin, prickling and crawling and numbness all over but mainly on the left side of my body. I have now convinced myself I have skin cancer owing to the fact that I have lots of new freckles/ moles developing and a growth almost like a spot but not a spot next to a freckle on my back. It’s in the exact place I have the numb feeling all day and so last night I google the two symptoms and freaked out when everything that came up was about a woman who complained of a pulled muscle but then died two weeks after her wedding because she had had a mole removed but they failed to see she had skin cancer and he pulled feeling was from that.
My heart sunk and I went into fight or flight mode. I had to ring my mum and get reassurance. Then I had to wake my partner and get reassurance although he is never sympathetic and tells me I’m crazy so that just makes things worse.

My relationship with him isn’t great and he is not a good influence for my son. All I worry about is that I am going to die young and that my sons life will be destroyed because he will be left with a deadbeat dad and will end up turning into a thug. My son is also autistic and his dad doesn’t take that into account when dealing with him. This is all that goes though my mind. Even things like Christmas. I make so much effort with my son, ie the whole Santa being real thing and lots of presents etc and I fear that I’m gonna die and he won’t have that anymore because his dad is selfish and terrible with money. All these things worry the he’ll out of me.

So I know it’s not possible to have cervical cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma, brain cancer, skin cancer etc but I have so many symptoms of so many things I am convinced that I have to have at least one.

I know anxiety can cause so many problems physically but can they cause this many?! It scared me so much I convince myself I have cancer and that there is no other explanation and act like I ah e already been told. Then I think about karma and there way of the world and think that if I convince myself and say to people things like I’m going to die then maybe it won’t happen. Because the stories you hear about are of people that are unsuspecting. But then even writing this I can see a scenario in a newspaper where they post snippets of me writing on this forum and it will be one of those stories where they say. “ she knew she had cancer but no one listened and they palmed it off as anxiety and then she refused to go to the doctors and it was too late, she was right all along.”

I know that sounds completely insane but even writing that I think me writing this post is going to make it happen is making me think it’s definately going to happen. Does that make sense to anyone?!!!
I feel like I can’t be a mum to my son. I don’t want to play with him and even making dinner is a struggle as I just want to curl up in a ball and put a tv programme on that is my comfort.

---------- Post added at 21:14 ---------- Previous post was at 18:42 ----------

Sorry I know this is one of the longest posts on here but felt I needed to get in as much info as possible.

[cattia]

You sound as though you are in a really bad place. I have been there too and I still am not completely through it, but not as bad as I was this time last year. I totally understand so many things that you're saying and particularly what you wrote about your son. I have similar thoughts about my three children. My husband doesn't work, he is a stay at home parent, but although I go out to work, I am still the one who puts the thought into things. Even simple things like arranging their birthday parties, making sure they have costumes if it's dress up day at school, writing letters from the tooth fairy, all those little things and I often worry that if I die they will miss out on all that. I think being a parent is a massive responsibility and it can become very overwhelming when we feel out of control. All we want to do it protect our kids. It's a biological imperative apart from anything else and we are bound to react strongly when we feel that it's under threat.
Also what you write about thinking about something will make it happen - that's a real example of magical thinking which is common with anxiety, I do this too. I also read stories like the one you mention where someone has a really seemingly minor symptom and it turns out to be something deadly. I don't go out of my way to read this stuff but since it's all over social media it's hard to avoid.
One of the things that is helping me, although I am a long way from cured, is getting into some long term therapy. A lot of people swear by CBT. For me that has resulted in only limited success as I believe I was trying to change thinking patterns that I've had my whole life without truly understanding where they came from. I have found longer term personal counselling has better results and although I still suffer with HA, I understand it better now. This time last year I was a mess. I could hardly function and to be honest I have no idea how I kept my job or stayed in my marriage as things were so so bad for me. There is hope, but it takes time. It took you a long time to get yourself into this state so it will take time to get out, but you need to believe it is possible. You won't feel this bad forever. Meds can help and it sounds as though they have but you need other support too. Coming on here and talking things through can be really, really helpful. Do you have people around you in life who you can talk to?

[Dedre88]

I agree with Cattia. It sounds like you would benefit from some CBT or counselling. Just talking about how you feel often helps. I was feeling very anxious earlier and posting on here has helped (still worried but feel better). I would also recommend some form of exercise as that seems to lift my mood.

Finally, in terms of your symptoms. Anxiety and just general bodily functions can mimic all sorts of ailments. I've had lung cancer fears brought on by hay-fever, HIV fears due to recurrent thrush and worried about all sorts of horrible illnesses based on symptoms caused by nothing or minor everday ailments.

Keep positive.

[Stupefy333]

Hi Cattia, thanks for your response and kind words. I think being a mum has definately brought this on. Although I had ocd prior to this and my dad suffers with anxiety and panic attacks so it was kind of inevitable I would get health anxiety or something anyway. I sound really selfish always going on about myself and my symptoms but it’s not because of me, it’s because I’m afraid for my son not having me around.
The universe thought process says to me that if I think something maybe it won’t happen if I keep saying, because a lot of illnesses have the element of surprise in the fact that people are shocked to find out they have something. So I feel that if I think positive about it then I will end up having something bad. It’s a weird through process where you go round in circles and as I say even writing this now I feel like I’m condemning myself by way of the universe and it’s going to get me. I think that may be the ocd side talking.
My mum tried to be understanding but can’t and my partner really isn’t helpful. I don’t see or speak to my dad much and when I do it’s helpful because he has been there although he has more of the panic attack side of things rather than the HA. I feel like my brain is diseased and I need a new one. One filled with positive ness and strength.

---------- Post added at 22:12 ---------- Previous post was at 22:08 ----------

Thanks Deidre. I know how dibilitating symptoms has be for sure. I’ve actually started to come out in hives which happens quite often. But because it’s itchy white patches I’m started to worry it’s another symptom of skin cancer. I hate my brain!

[Stupefy333]

So I’ll went to the doctor today who looked at my moles and I told him about my numb feeling on my back and arms and he said all looked fine and put it all down to anxiety. He told me to go back on my beta blockers 3 times a day. He said he knows I won’t be reassured but to see if they helped. It’s so annoying, I know they take a few weeks to work. And as habit would have it I came out and then because I’ve been having head zaps and eye pain the last few days decid d to look at my eyes and saw my left eye has black specks on the iris. This has now got me thinking I may have eye cancer as well as skin cancer. I know how irrational his is yes. Then I hopped on ththe scales and have seen that in 3/4 days I have lost half a stone. I haven’t been eating much and this has happened before when I have been anxious about health but as it can be a symptom of something bad also of course I focus on that. To top it off my partner is absolutely vile when dealing with my issues and tells me I am scum and selfish making all this up because there are people like his sister who have actually had cancer in real life. She is fine now thanks god and lives a happy life but she lost her leg as a child.
I know it may seem selfish but I don’t choose to feel this way. The fact he calls me every name under the sun makes me feel so low. This is supposed to be the person that supports me isn’t it?

[Dedre88]

Hi in terms of your loss of weight. Over that time period that is just normal fluctuation. I've woke up weighed myself, gone for a large poo, had a shower then weighed myself again and I'd put on half a stone! If you're stressed and not eating then you will lose weight but I wouldn't be too concerned with it.

In terms of your partner, that is not the way someone should react and you should explain that its not helping. You're not making this up. To us people with HA its a mental problem and although we can be frustrating to deal with, we need help and support. I'm not trying to make excuses for your partner but perhaps the history of his sister's illness is inflaming his reaction.

Keep positive, and try doing some exercise. I've found that's helped me in the past. Just seems to lift my mood. Xx

[Stupefy333]

Thanks dedre. Symptoms have change over last few days, now instense pressure in head just above ears that makes me dizzy, blurry vision and the tingling is getting worse all over body. Sometimes just one side. How can a mental illness really cause all this. Convinced I ah e a brain tumour now or some other cancer that’s causing nerve damage.