5 Years and still suffering

[Vaffis]

Hello everybody!

I want to share my story with someone and this seems to be the right place for it. I was diagnosed with semi-severe panic disorder about 5 years from now. I remember having my first panic attack at my work place while we were sitting in our conference room filled with my co-workers. Out of the blue I get this feeling that I'm having a hard time breathing and felt like I could faint at any second. I remember I was so nervous and didn't want to say anything about how I felt. I somehow managed to survive through the conference but after that we went to lunch and I got my food and went sitting trying to eat something but even swallowing little bites was too much. Thats when I asked my friend & co-worker if he could drop me at home. I went to sleep when I got home and felt better after that, also worried about what the F was that.

After that I was able to work normally again for about 1-2 months without having any of those sensations I had felt that day. Well that was just calm before the real storm. Next panic attack was the one that changed my life upside down, we were at my friends house for a weekend and we drank heavily for those two days. Sunday morning came and I remember that I was having similar feeling that I've had before at work, this time symptoms were even worse. I remember trying to just lay down and drink water for over an hour but I kept feeling worse and worse every passing minute. After that I had no other choice than to tell my friends I'm not feeling okay and asked if they could drop me to the hospital. Travelling there was absolute hell, I even called emergency-center and asked if I could get to the hospital faster with ambulance. I was so afraid and sure that I was going to die that day.

At the hospital they monitored my heart and did their normal procedures. They found nothing wrong with me physically. I had hard time understanding that how could I feel like this when there was nothing wrong with me. After awhile I calmed down and they let me out of the hospital. I went straight to sleep after that feeling so scared and embarrassed. After I woke up we started to drive back home (200 kilometers), somewhere along the way I started to feel those symptoms again and asked if my friend could drive instead of me.

After that day I think I haven't been like my old self again. Its almost as some part of me really died that day. Weeks went by and doctors took every kind of tests from me that they could think of. After about a month I got diagnosed with panic disorder. At that time I had been working in law-enforcement for years and that kind of work was just too much for me at that point. I had to quit my dream job after awhile because of this, that was (and still is) the hardest decision to make and accept in my life.

Years went by and after many different antidepressant medication I tried we finally decided to stick with Citalopram (30 mg daily) and Diazepam (5 mg, when needed). Good things have also happened in this time Ive found myself new girlfriend and we live together. This september I started studying for new occupation. You know, things are fine as they seem and I'm grateful about that.

But at the same time I'm still struggling with anxiety after all this time. Its there with me everyday, I think it will never fully go away. My symptoms today have changed a lot from what they were. When this started my heart was racing, now when I'm really anxious it feels more like my whole body is shutting down (slow heartbeat, hard to breathe and feeling dizzy) <- is this normal? Also I monitor myself daily (checking my heartbeat from my neck and stuff). Thats something I want to get rid of, I know the symptoms are from anxiety but I'm still scared about every single different feelings in my body. Its so stupid and frustrating. Any tips?

Thank you all, this turned to be quite long text sorry about that :O

[Serendipitous]

You arent alone. I had my first panic attack when I was 19, I'm now 34 and still suffer. I always come to this forum either during one or after one because they make me feel so emotionally drained and vulnerable. I wish I could say that it gets better but after all of this time a panic attack is never just a panic attack when you're having one. I too am sensitive to my body so any little thing can trigger me.

[Suziewuzie]

Hey thank you for sharing your story! I related to it a lot in that my first panic attack came out of nowhere & then a few months later I had a "life changing" one that took me a long time to get over. I still suffer with anxiety now 3 years later, and just started back on Citalopram last week as it helped a lot last time. Sometimes my panic attacks don't scare me & I can remain level-headed and know they will pass, sometimes I'm SO SURE that I'm about to die and there must be something wrong with me.
I know it's frustrating. I wish I could tell you the answer to make it go away forever, but I think for some of us it's just something that stays with us forever on some level. I have days where I don't think about panic attacks, and I have days where I can't leave the house. What helps me is knowing I have a tool kit to get me through it. If I have a panic attack then I'm prepared - I know how to deal with it. I created my toolkit over the years & with my counsellor and it includes practising mindfulness (this is what helps the most) listening to a guided meditation, writing in my journal, picking up something to keep my hands & mind occupied, listening to a funny podcast. So, when I feel a panic attack coming on I try to say "Ok it's happening - go somewhere, sit down & use your tools" it's a small thing but it takes away the power of the anxiety because I KNOW the feeling is going to go away soon.
Panic attacks are terrifying & I think traumatizing. Once you've had a particularly bad one you'd be nuts for not fearing feeling that way again, but it sounds like you are trying really hard to live a normal life in spite of this.

[Sandra1980]

I took my first panic attack when I started school at 4 I'm now 51 they finally finished me off when I took one when I was in a situation that I just couldn't get out of and I had a breakdown when I was 47 now i'm on diazepam to stop them because I can't cope with taking even one more or I would lose the plot all together.

[Lissa101]

Dont give up Vaffis! I've suffered since I was 30 (now 37) and I've had some great times BECAUSE of anxiety. It made me quit smoking, stop drinking and take up exercise. It's prompted me to do things I was scared of. I've been a distance trail runner (now stopped because of injury), I've did a PhD, got my driving license and now I go climbing. My reaction to my breakdown was that I wasn't going to let it ruin my life and so I started doing things I wouldn't have been motivated to do before. Perhaps you could think of a way of making it work FOR you, rather than against you?



I'm a full-time carer for my mum right now as she has lung and secondary brain cancer. It's a god-awful situation and most days I feel sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety and have had many, many dark days. But there's no way I'll let it define my life or the time I have left with my mum.



I guess the point I'm trying to make is that anxiety makes you feel helpless and like you have no control. You may not be able to control how you feel but you can control how to react to it and whether you let it be a blight on your life. Chin up x

[Darksky]

Suffered for 40 years. But you just get on with it. You live with it. Some months/years are better than others. I would certainly prefer to,live without it but it has made me more compassionate to others, particularly to people who are ill.

I do believe acceptance is a cure, probably the only longstanding one but I have never been able to crack it. I reckon I am putting up with rather than accepting and there is a subtle but vital difference there.

Keep on keeping on. Xx

[ana]

Had my first panic attack 18 long years ago.
It's a way of life now, you learn how to manage your anxiety. To me, it's like a long-term partner. Whether we love each other or not is another matter!