Cervical cancer fears again.

[Stupefy333]

Ok I have the moment of impending doom today. Two years ago after a routine smear I was told I have abormal cells CIN2. I was petrified and thought my life was over naturally due to my HA but had the LEEP treatment and got the all clear. My anxiety then took a turn for the worst and I was too afraid to go back for my 6 monthly check. As time went on it got worse and has now been almost 2 years since I had cells removed. I am petrified now as I felt my cervix which I haven’t done since before I had cells removed and it now feels ridged instead of smooth like it used to. I am convinced it’s cancer I am feeling. I don’t have the common symptoms of bleeding or pain during sex but I have a lot of bladder issues, recurrent infections etc and have done for years. I have booked an appointment for next week but am convinced it’s going to be bad news. I can see myself on my deathbed knowing this Christmas will be my last with my little boy. I can’t cope just now. Don’t feel like I can be a Mum because I’m so worried he’s going to lose me anyway so I’m becoming more distant.

[NervUs]

OK.......breathe.

Read that last line. You are distancing yourself from your own baby because of an imaginary disease "feeling." Come on! He deserves that you snap yourself to! Do everything you can to hug, kiss, and play with that child, even though you "believe" you are dying. You know what? Even if you were dying (which you are very far from that), you would need to do the very same thing. Even people with cancer live their lives.

You will probably worry until your appointment. But, whenever those deathbed images come to mind, remind yourself that you are very much alive. THe fact is, people with HA give this mental illness all the power. If you change the images in your mind and the stories in your head, they will start to go away. Don't google, don't linger at negative thoughts. Change the subject in your mind and you will learn to cope.

[Stupefy333]

I know it’s irrational but the belief I have it is very real. I don’t know how people with cancer cope and continue to live their lives so bravely. I feel like I can’t do it. It’s like I know I have it and it’s incurable and my son is going to grow up without me and in years time when he’s older he will be remembering that I used to freak out about this and no one believed me but I was right and it effectively killed me. I can’t see me life beyond the next year and I’m 28. I love my son more than anything and the thought of leaving him is what fuels my anxiety the most.