Hey

Was just wondering if anyone else had this or if I am just being stupid and/or irresponsible. I’ve been on citalopram for 4 1/2 years 20-30mg depending on how I feel. I came off it once 2yrs ago, went well for about three months... until it suddenly stopped going well.

My thing is, I hate it. I hate my weight gain, I hate my laziness I’ve developed since being on it + I hate the other personal physical symptoms. More than anything I hate the dependency. But I love how I go from day to day not planning my suicide and actually being able to function like a normal human. Sometimes I find myself forgetting a dose and then in my subsequent dropped mood I just can’t bear the thought of taking it again. It’s so stupid, because the meds have made me lazy and yet when I stop taking them, in my depressive funk I get even more lazy through withdrawals and hide under a duvet on my sofa at days at a time with an overwhelming sense of dread, thinking about every bad thing that’s happened and every stupid thing I’ve ever done - and I just think f everything I don’t want to take them.

Before the meds I was careful about my food, worked out a lot, was always reading, writing, painting and fully focused on work - with the exception of month(s) long periods where the depression and anxiety stopped me from functioning. Now I just feel like I alternate between being a functional slug and an unmedicated mess. I wish I could elevate myself to the best parts of myself without the meds.