As good as it gets .

[Darksky]

Terry you really should have been in the Carry On films. You're not Sid James reincarnated are you?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I was born the year before he died but it could always be a possession?



He was better looking though

[Buster70]

I was born the year before he died but it could always be a possession?



He was better looking though

Old prune face was better looking ? Well Ive heard it said funny gets f,,,,,,
Right what's p***ed me off or made my day this week , well the old van as you know has been playing up , Ive been to see four so called experts , one diesel specialist who diagnosed a failing diesel pump which if bought new is £1200 plus labour , as he didn't even come out and see the van I wasn't sure even when I suggested electrical fault he laughed it off , so I go and see an auto electrician who said " bung it on eBay and buy another van " my reply was "that's not f**king happening " ( there's a chance I may swear just a tad too much but I have a lot to blumming well swear about ) anyway two more garages and I go and see an old mechanic from way back , he's the nicest most patient man ever , he kind to of agrees with me and suggests I tackle it myself and if I don't win he'll do it cheap , so come Monday it breaks down while out with the dogs , my partner has a doctors appointment and her crutches are in said van , so first thing walk home and drop the crutches back , then bike back to the van ( hang in there and I'll make this about anxiety ) back at the van out of breath and patience ( like Dr shipman ) a cockney chap I talk to on dog walking duty is there he sees my mood and says " you wanna fack off home an ave a cap a tea an calm down " wise words , I get a tow home and think Ive got nothing to lose so I start stripping and drilling the immobiliser off the pump , next morning it's off and no going back , I re wire the ignition and the old girl fires up and has done first time since , so how does this relate to anxiety? Well nothing destroys your confidence in your own abilities like our unwanted little friend , it also makes you more susceptible to other people's views and opinions even if you are pretty damn sure you are right .
When push comes to shove you might as well have a go , if you feck it up at least you can look in the mirror and be proud you tried and if you nail it like I did it will give you a temporary high , the night I fixed it and saved a fortune I did my usually little victory dance in the shower with the radio blaring ( not a pretty sight so just imagine I shower in a clown suit ) .
Right number two gripe and I'll make it quick before you doze off zzzzzzz , where I walk my dogs a foreign chap has bought the land and is closing all the public rights of way , last time I went at night with cutters and took the fence down and dumped it in a swamp , also hs2 have bought land and closed and locked gates also across public rights of way , until recently they have left a gap in the chain to allow pedestrians to squeeze through , today I went squeezed through with ma dawgs, a van passed me and I thought I hope that shite doesn't close the gates tight or my plump body won't fit and it's a long walk round ( early morning anxiety doesn't lend itself to being out of breath , tight chested and fretting I get to the gate and see a small gap , my reaction goes a little like the man on vicar of Dibley " no no no no no y yes "they'd left a master key in the lock , result , I can now open any of their gates I like , ok technically stealing by finding but how many people are they stealing from ? So f**k em and the horse they rode in on
I'll work on the swearing when life improves until then **** **** ****
Take care and have a go

[Darksky]

What a plonker leaving that key ah well, his loss, your gain.

I thought it was illegal to block public rights of way?

[fishman65]

Buster, that cockney chap sounds like Danny Dyer. Did he say 'yes get in there' or 'av summa that'? And why did you start stripping before drilling the immobiliser off the pump? It's February me old china

[Buster70]

Darksky, closing off a public right of way is a civil matter where as a member of the public ripping it down is criminal damage , but only criminal if you get caught there a bit of rebel left in me hiding under all the anxiety.
Fish that chap comes from Landon I think it's a small village near London or there abouts , he is a diamond geezer though, very methodical and calm unlike me messy and short tempered , I think he was part of Londons social cleansing, anyone with less than a million in the bank must leave and relocate further north past the north south divide , Essex will soon be in Birmingham, hence the idea of HS2 to shift all the paupers as fast as possible , the rich don't realise when they've all gone there will be no one to wipe their posh arses
I always strip to work on my van don't want the neighbour's thinking I'm normal .
Got up today to a cold sore, I feel so lucky.
Take care .

[Buster70]

Well been a couple of weeks since I posted ,I seem to have landed on a snake again and gone back to square one , I spend each day trudging along hoping for a ladder that doesn't appear.
im in constant pain from being so tensed up all day then can't sleep at night , pretty much a living hell , nice if you like that sort of thing but it don't really float my boat .
The life I had is a distant memory I now just feel sooo alone , partner has moved to the spare room with the dogs , anxiety has cut me off from all but one of my old mates and he's back packing in Vietnam ,my mother can't even lift her head or get up anymore, I have no social life at all , the only people I interact with are dog walkers and people who buy from me but having to deal with people who turn up late or early makes me incredibly anxous even though business is good I have no interest in it .
So where does this leave me ? A bloody great spanner trying to fit into a world of cutlery , I have no place ( pauses as their is a knock at the door at nearly two in the morning probably our alcoholic neighbour ) I feel I don't belong anywhere , if I'm honest probably not even here , people come and go on the site just temporary encounters because we have the most debilitating condition.
im even scared to form new friendships as soon as I get to know people well I get that fear of being invited to join in normal life .
my time with my grandkids is also marred by anxiety, they want me to be mental grandad joining in on the park but im
being crushed inside , it's hard to have fun when you can barely breathe.
yesterday while driving I was back to my old trick of closing my eyes while driving, I closed them while on the motorway and when I opened them a lorry had braked in front , the weird thing was I felt nothing , no shock or eyes popping out on stilts just nothing , I stood on the brakes which I suppose is a good sign but i did ponder on why I didn't panic at a time when I should have .( knocking and dogs barking has stopped , good not my problem) .
Do others on here feel they don't have a place in the world ? Just plodding along smiling politely to folk when you feel like crap inside .
Feel free to move this to the really really depressing section , your post has been moved to the recycle bin as we didn't like it, I'll try to leave it another two weeks to post again don't want you putting your heads in the microwave ( I'm not suggesting you have more than one head ) .
Later x

[Carnation]

I always find writing about your life in the early hours of the morning far more negative than during the day where you might have had one of those incredibly good days with the kids or a trip to the coast.
Night time is guaranteed to make you feel glum.
I know you have your problems Buster and you compare it to when you were young.
But as I have grown older, I have found that there is more crap to deal with, more responsibilities, more grief.
You do have many positives.....
A home, work (where you are your own boss), family, pets and the gift of having a sense of humour.
But! As a person who was hit by car that took their eyes off the road, I would not recommend that happening to anyone else. It was that incident that finally pushed me over the edge. And would you really want anyone else to feel like we do Buster? I know you have a heart and I know the reasons behind doing it, but just imagine if you were the one that ended up being a vegetable. Suddenly plodding on from day to day doesn't look so bad after all.
Basically, we are all plodders and grab those days that make you feel alive and buzzing again.
All our lives have changed. I can't hold a job down anymore, but hey, no more rotten commuting.
Personally, if you want my opinion, which you probably don't, but I would spend as much time with your mum at the moment. I know it's not easy, but it may be something you might regret if you don't. This is for your benefit as well. As for your partner. Well, she hasn't left and I think unlikely to do so. She is making a stand because she is unhappy the way things are, but you are too. But neither of you are alone and you have family.
Life happens this way sometimes.
I was married for 13 years but hardly saw or spoke to my hubby, but my life is not like that now.
Nothing stays the same forever and your life may be completely different in the future.
Put your frustrations in to your work, have fun with the kids and dogs (they are yours too), use the forum for companionship and tell your mum you love her.

[Buster70]

Carnation , you know i value your opinion, the early hours are the time I’m at my lowest , I’m waking up every night in the early hours with my mind going at a thousand miles an hour , when I do fall asleep I have vivid nightmares , and wake in a panic it’s exhausting and sets me up for a rotten day , I’m just so tired I can’t enjoy anything not even a walk with the dogs I just cant relax my body . I’m not expecting to go back to being young but I feel I have a lot of living to do and this illness if that’s what you can call it is preventing me from being who I want to be .
Today I saw an old mate I havent seen in a few years , same age as me and in a mobility scooter , he’s the third one I’ve seen this way from drinking , their bodies have given up leaving them too weak to walk , I suppose anxiety took me away from that path .
The other weird thing today was a trip to a copy shop which I’ve never been to before , I got chatting to the woman who did my photo copies and for some reason she told me her life storey , first thing she tells me she’s gay but doesn’t look it , we have a laugh about what a gay woman should look like , she also tells me she’s single and likes caravaning with her dog , so her story is she was happily married to a man with kids then at forty they grew apart and she said she wanted to sleep with a woman ( her husband thought his luck was in until she said he wasn’t invited ) anyway we chatted for while and I said my partner wants to be on her own now but I like to be around people , she said she’s happier since they split and has had gay relationships since but is still looking for the right partner , she also said you can’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because you’re scared of being on your own , there was a lot of truth in what she said and it was weird talking to someone like this when I didn’t even know her an hour before , it does seem there is a path set out for us , I we going to go to another shop but my partner said go to this one they are a lot nicer .
I can see time is running out with my mum but a life time of not hugging or saying I love you does make it hard to change those ways , I just wasn’t brought up that way , she knows I love her , I took her some flowers on Friday and when I got back home she’d rang my partner to thank her for them assuming she’d sent them ( I do buy flowers quite regular without reason ) .
Anyway I am in a very dark place right now but I’m still wait for that ladder, you never know eh ?
Thanks carnation .ps no idea where everything is on this new site .

[fishman65]

Buster, I started reading your latest post and was going to offer some thoughtful advice when I burst out laughing at your mention of the gay woman's hubby thinking 'his luck was in'. You have such a talent for comedy even in your darkest moments, you really do. As for driving with your eyes closed, please listen to Carnation. I've just lost a nephew aged 47, he was into gym work and boxing. Carefree and confident but a good lad, I'd known him since he was 8. And then bang, he's gone.

Now I'm not saying you have a duty to carry on fighting this condition just because my nephew died a violent death. Not by any means because I've thought many a time about a way out from living like this. This tragedy has upped my constant companion anxiety, it's trying to sabotage being there for my brother and attending the funeral at a time when I should be grieving. But we have to keep waiting for that ladder. I like your analogy, think I'll use it for my own struggles if that's ok with you.

Having said all that, you do have a hell of a lot to deal with. How about suggesting to your partner that you pull together, how would she really be if you walked out? Lost I would say. You really are a selfless person, you have all this happening yet you stay. Some might say you should run to the hills, many would have done so long ago. Doesn't that say a lot about you as a human being?

The other issue of comparing yourself with old mates, I do that myself, usually on social media like FB but you only see snippets of their lives, and the good snippets too. Like their Vietnamese holidays. I have a cousin who travels around the world, he posts pics of himself from the US, a different one for each state. I envy him but he could drop dead tomorrow. OK I'll stop lecturing now, I think I'm trying to convince myself as much as you. But hang in there buddy, please. You're a good bloke, truly.