As good as it gets .

[AntsyVee]

You made the right decisions, Buster. If he needed the rope that bad, he wouldn't have left it there that long; that's just an excuse on his part. Have you talked to you brother about talking to someone?

[fishman65]

Fish I think there are a lot of people who’ve had similar lives we just don’t talk about it because of the stigma attached to mental illness, as much as I’d like to get outside help I know he wouldn’t go ahead with it he’s not keen on people in general, I’ve been in contact with him today because of me collecting the ashes and dealing with the solicitor, I be tried to judge his mood which seemed ok , then this evening he rang pretty annoyed that I’d taken the rope away , I explained a why id done it and although I did ask him straight if he felt like ending his life he seemed more concerned that it was expensive rope and he wanted it back , he said he’d had it in the attic for a long time but it didn’t explain why he’d recently set it up , there were also blocks of wood in the bathroom to stand on .
I know from experience and have been told by my therapist that you can’t watch them all the time if someone want to do it they will , Ive told him he can come to us anytime or I will go to him if he needs me , all this worrying is making me ill .
Thanks

This is a tough one Buster and hardly surprising its making you ill. You're trying to keep your family functioning while simultaneously shepherding your brother. I'm sure he wanted you to find that rope otherwise he would have concealed it. But that's putting a huge burden of responsibility on your shoulders and it seems again that your family are looking to you to solve all these dilemmas. That's why I suggested professional help for your brother, before you end up needing it yourself. I wish I had more answers for you buddy. In my thoughts.

[Buster70]

Damned if I do damned if I don’t , I’m starting to believe in god and she’s f**king well punishing me for something, with anxiety we always try to be in control but life is uncontrollable , might as well just give up trying and let what will happen happen .

[AntsyVee]

Life is uncontrollable. You do what you can to play it safe and control what you can, and the rest is up to whatever higher power or life force you believe in.

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

That's all we can do in life. You are not responsible for your brother. You need to encourage him to get professional help. It's okay to ask for help when we need it. None of us are superheroes that can solve everything.

[Buster70]

AV I like that quote I think that’s part of my problem not knowing the difference between what I can and can’t control , my mums house is now completely empty and my brother has moved to the new house , it’s very hard to judge how he’s feeling most of what we do is small talk .
I feel like I’m on a muddy cliff top slipping towards the edge and i can’t get a grip , lack of sleep is making me paranoid I imagine things are going on behind my back that will come to light and push me over the edge , I wake from what little sleep I get shaking with that buzzing electric feeling going through my body ( it’s happening as I write this ) .
My daughter starts her ms treatment on Monday , im taking her , she’s also told us she’s moving away with her new boyfriend at the end of November , he’s starting a new job in the countryside and theyve already found a place to live , we haven’t met him and they’ve only been together two months , she told him from the start about her condition which he accepts , she seems so happy so I’m happy for her but at the same time sad she’s going .
Partner seems to want some space and time alone , she’s still not recovered from the food poisoning, this makes me paranoid that she doesn’t want to be with me , I really don’t like being alone right now it gives me too much time to think but being home is crowding her .
Im just about keeping it together but I know it’s going to come crashing down soon .
Thanks for giving somewhere to vent . X

[Carnation]

Buster, I've got the buzzing too, it's from high anxiety caused from adrenalin. Movement will help to diminish.
Just take one day at a time, that's all you can do. x

[fishman65]

Buster, often I read your posts and think that I could have typed that out. Thinking about your daughter, maybe you could look at her situation and see the boyfriend as taking some of the weight off your shoulders? After all she probably doesn't want Dad watching over her too much if she's searching for independence. Though as a Dad myself, I know its not that easy to let go.

Your partner, have you asked her if she wants you around her? Dialogue is important and I wouldn't have thought recovering from food poisoning meant the exclusion of loved ones. Hang in there mate, this can only get better. In my thoughts.

[AntsyVee]

AV I like that quote I think that’s part of my problem not knowing the difference between what I can and can’t control , my mums house is now completely empty and my brother has moved to the new house , it’s very hard to judge how he’s feeling most of what we do is small talk .
I feel like I’m on a muddy cliff top slipping towards the edge and i can’t get a grip , lack of sleep is making me paranoid I imagine things are going on behind my back that will come to light and push me over the edge , I wake from what little sleep I get shaking with that buzzing electric feeling going through my body ( it’s happening as I write this ) .
My daughter starts her ms treatment on Monday , im taking her , she’s also told us she’s moving away with her new boyfriend at the end of November , he’s starting a new job in the countryside and theyve already found a place to live , we haven’t met him and they’ve only been together two months , she told him from the start about her condition which he accepts , she seems so happy so I’m happy for her but at the same time sad she’s going .
Partner seems to want some space and time alone , she’s still not recovered from the food poisoning, this makes me paranoid that she doesn’t want to be with me , I really don’t like being alone right now it gives me too much time to think but being home is crowding her .
Im just about keeping it together but I know it’s going to come crashing down soon .
Thanks for giving somewhere to vent . X

I think you should ask your doc for some sleep aides. When I lost my best friend, I couldn't fall asleep. I kept seeing his body when I closed my eyes, and my dreams revolved around finding him over and over again. Then like you, I went without sleep for too long and became edgy and paranoid. I went to the ER a couple weeks later after I thought that I was having a heart attack, and really it was a panic attack due to everything going on, including my lack of sleep. They gave me some sleep aides and I went back on ADs. Both really helped.

[Buster70]

Hi all , just a quick one as it’s been a long day but you’ve taken the time to reply which I appreciate, I’m trying to keep in mind that mentally I’ve been much worse than this and come out the other side , a psychotic break as the shrink put it , I haven’t been to the docs since last year and from past experience they just make me worse , Ive got every med under the sun in the house but I’m not keen on taking them , partner shares her diazepam because they prescribe her far too many and she also has several different sleeping pills , starting the day buzzing isn’t a great start is it Carnation but we carry on regardless , I think this lockdown will be harder but like you said one day at a time .
Sorry you had to find your friend Av I do get visions of finding my brother that way but he has said he won’t be letting me find him and he said he’s felt like it for years and not done it .
Catch up later . Thanks x

[fishman65]

Hi Buster. I'm glad to hear that about your brother, perhaps you can afford to take that weight off your shoulders now. You've been carrying so much of other people's problems around and its only natural that you've felt snowed under. But yes one day at a time, you'll get through this mate. In fact you already are and that's taken guts, give yourself a big dose of credit. Take care buddy.