As good as it gets .

[Buster70]

Hi all , haven’t felt good for a while but the last week has been a real mixed bag , so to bore you all to sleep I thought I’d tell you about it (please do not drive or operate machinery after reading my thread it may cause drowsiness) , last week I felt awful mentally and physically but bills need paying so I have to go out and earn a crust , I had to see a buddy to make a deal and pick up a van load of heavy items , not easy when you can’t breathe or concentrate, i bluff my way through these things making up excuses for my state , I dropped off the first load and returned for more , on my return my mate had nipped out so I sat in the van outside waiting , it’s only a small village and everyone knows each other so they know I’m not a local , so while sat there three women come waking up the road one is laughing then comes to my window, she says my mask frightened her ( not my ugly mug the mask on my passenger seat ) we chat and she catches her frends up , my mate pulls up and says “ she’s got that thing where she can’t leave the house “ agoraphobia I say , “ yeah her mates are helping her gradually go out , I think my god they walk among us , and by they I mean us , she didn’t know I was nuttier than a squirrels lunch box and I didn’t know she was , also my mate probably doesn’t know about me either .
so driving home I get to thinking we should have a secret hand shake or wink to let other sufferers we are one of them , just then I pull up at the lights and a woman crosses with a dog , on the dog is a yellow harness with the word ANXIOUS, we can say our dogs are anxious but the other end of the lead is a no go , maybe and rubber wristband with anxious? .
Anyway the next day I felt rotten so I booked my asthma review but by the morning I felt worse and thought I need to see the Doc instead , while fretting over wether to cancel the review and see the doc phone in hand ( I can’t make decisions when I’m like this ) my phone rings , I answer and it’s the Doctors to say my asthma nurse is ill would I like to see the Doc instead, weird weird weird .
so saw the Doc and he was about ten , I kept looking at his rucksack thinking has he got a Spider-Man lunchbox in there , but he was nice , did listen and said he was desperate to help me but his choices were limited as I won’t take antidepressants , my lungs and stats were ok , he said something no doc has said before “ maybe you could accept this is how you are now “ it is , I am .
driving home with the music turned up to drown out the voices in my head ( I don’t really hear voices ) (yes you do ) ( we’ ll agree to disagree) ( no we won’t) where was I ? Music playing and feeling better for taking to someone I agree with him this is me now , I have ok days and horrible days but while I still have days then I have hope , in the last seven days I’ve had two where I felt ok and I made the most of these days getting stuff done and wearing myself out but in a good way .
If by some miracle you are still reading I’ll introduce you to my new mate , he looked down on his luck so I took him home , partner wasn’t happy and the dogs hate him , even my neighbor looked over the fence while I was putting a shirt on him and asked his name , I said Derick and he said you have a weird sense of humour , ain’t that the truth .
meet Derick .

[fishman65]

Buster, I clicked on this thread ready to offer some crumbs of comfort while being all serious and everything. Instead I've ended up guffawing through your story and yet feeling guilty because of knowing how much you're suffering behind your jester's mask. Not the mask in your vehicle I might add. So your GP was still at junior school? Accept how you are eh? That's good advice but then we do that by keeping on living.

It's strange how there are others out there just like us. I often wonder that in a supermarket or wherever, how many other people are walking on air, trembling, dreading the check-out. Back in January there was a woman in the hospital waiting room and we ended up comparing notes. Wouldn't it be easier if every last person suffered with anxiety? In that situation we'd all be normal. Maybe we should all just 'come out' and confess.

I could end this post by offering a lot of platitudes Buster like chin up, hang in there, every cloud and all that. But it wouldn't alter your situation any more than me saying I understand. The crumbs of comfort yes perhaps but a solution no. Look after yourself buddy.

[Carnation]

Hi Buster
You know I always read your posts and to the end.
My first question is, "why do you have a mask, of what and when do you use it?"
I'm conjuring up all sorts of visions.
Yes, isn't it encouraging to find other souls like us that appear to leading a normal life. And yes, maybe a anxious wristband is a good idea, but then we are labelling ourselves to the big wide world when half the time we like to remain a bit discreet. If we had one we could use as and when to our advantage. For instance, jumping a queue, nabbing a parking space, no waiting in the dics surgery and all phone calls have to be returned immediately!
Yes, I can definitely see the advantages.
I don't agree with what the GP said, the whipper snapper. that's almost telling you are incurable. In other words he was saying, "I can't help you, I know nothing about this, don't bother me again."
Anyway, keep up the good work Buster and maybe look at for a mate for Derick.

[Carnation]

[Buster70]

Fish if I took all this crap seriously every day I’d be bouncing off the walls of padded cell right now , i try to find a funny side to life where ever I can , don’t ever feel guilty having a laugh .
Derick currently resides next time our back gate so he’s the first thing you see as you walk in , my daughters and partner are constantly shrieking as they walk in and forget he’s there , it usually goes , gate clicks , scream , “ Dad for gods sake can you move it ! “ me “ his names Derick and he can hear you “ chuckle , funny thing he makes me jump as well he’s so light footed , so pondering what to do with him next I thought I might mount him on the shed roof ( ooh that sounds bad ) I might nail him on the shed roof ( mmm no better ) I’ve got a feeling he’ll be around a while until I leave him in the woods one night .
lola is this doll real purdy? I get an image of you on your bike with her flapping about on the back , I’m not sure Derick would be up for a long distance relationship.
I think my junior Doctor meant well and did want to help but I am a lost cause and maybe acceptance is the way to go , just stop fighting the invisible man , he did look very young but maybe that’s me getting old and I probably shouldn’t have said “ aawwwe “ and ruffled his hair as I left .
I can see why it might look odd carnation having a Guy Fawkes mask on my headrest and handcuffs hanging off the tow bar but it’s nothing sinister I’m just waiting for the revolution and in the mean time it makes people laugh as they walk by and that can’t be a bad thing .
It seems very bitter sweet to realise other people are around us suffering in silence , a slight comfort to know you are not the only one but at the same time you wouldn’t wish it on them , three local men have taken their lives in the last three weeks , two of them were found where I walk my dogs , they must have been so troubled but hiding it from the world .
At least we have this place to vent and talk to some of the most understanding people .
Right it’s getting late better sign off and try to slow my mind down to warp speed .
Take care all .

[Darksky]

Buster I'm a sucker for punishment...I read all your posts thoroughly and even go back and read them again later.

I read somewhere that 1 in 4 people have anxiety. 1 in 4!!! That's a tremendous amount of people. When we are white knuckling it in the supermarket or on the train or even at work, how many other people around us are also doing it. If it is indeed 1 in 4, then it's a health crisis and the help we receive is abysmal.

[Buster70]

Well at least if someone is reading what I put I’m not talking to myself which as we all know is the first sign of madness ( one step beyond! Da da daaaa ) , 1 in 4 you say that’s almost a quarter or every fourth person in the queue for half price kalms at Asda at non busy times . I’d never read through what I’ve written as I’d cringe at my mistakes , my memory is soo bad I have no recollection of what I’ve put ,it’s probably for the best .
Ive burnt myself out this week digging holes for a new fence and laying a fake lawn while Derick stood watching doing feck all , if I’d know he was so lazy I’d have left him living in a skip , my family and grandkids now call him by his name so I guess he’s staying for a while .
The plan was to have a relaxing weekend but had a bust up with partner over nothing and now I’ve found out something very disturbing that is playing very heavy on my mind , I cant really put it on here for all to see but I don’t know what to do about the situation either , it’s very serious but I’m not sure who to go to or if there even is anyone that can help , sorry if this sounds a bit cryptic but things could go bad very quickly, I’m shite at making important decisions .
Got the grandkids staying over which is a great distraction, before they came I sat in the garden in tears at what could happen , my granddaughter is the funniest person I know , apart from her mum I’d say I’m the one she’s spent most time with so we know how to make each other laugh .
Two days to chocolate day .

[Darksky]

Buster if I knew who you were, knew where you lived and lived near myself, I swear I would be round every damn day giving you masshoosiv hugs

Of course things can be too private for public statements, totally understand...Is it something Citizens advice can help you with, they are very good.

[Buster70]

I appreciate the offer but if you were here you’d probably be ducking in the next isle at the supermarket to avoid that bloody misery guts , and I was brought up very unhuggy , I do like a good hug but off randoms I’m never quite sure about the etiquette to avoid bumpings .
I really do need to talk to someone but it could be serious and it could make things worse if I get it wrong , life is never bloody simple .

[Buster70]

Well for the last week I’ve tried to avoid this new worry and it is a biggie , i still don’t know what to do for the best but doing nothing could be the biggest mistake of my life .
when i get a worry my mind will use anything to occupy itself rather than address the issue , so me and Derick have been busy , laid a lawn , put up a new fence , put up a whole new fence for the neighbor which started as a couple of broken panels but ended up doing the whole lot , past a skip where I picked up Derick and noticed some paint which gave me an idea , so another distraction was born , THE BEACH HUT , Derick helped out and I now have a beach hut a mere 90 miles from the nearest beach but it’s very close to the beach in my head.
The daffodils have now been replaced by snow drops and bluebells on my dog walk something I wouldn’t have noticed as a younger man ( little things ) the weather is now officially more nuts than me , I jumped the gun and went for combat shorts at the weekend but now we seem to be back to winter , yesterday I started walking in the sun with dogs and a black cloud came over me ( not depression a real one ) then it starts raining then hale stones the size of Maltesers but less tasty, then the icing on the cake thunder and lightning, I was feeling a bit crap so I wasn’t that scared even out in the open but to be safe I thought better take cover under a very tall dead tree that had clearly been struck by lightening, as we all know lightening isn’t allowed to strike the same place twice so I was completely safe even swinging my dog chain in the air .
Ate to much chocolate last weekend so working hard hopefully will have burnt off the added weight , it seems I’ve been trying to lose some weight for about seven years , I’m not huge but I’d like to feel a bit more comfortable in my skin and not have to do the walk of shame after trying on Jeans in the shop that don’t fit , taking them back to the rack with a little tear rolling down my chubby cheek .
We now have some new neighbours who think it’s ok to come home drunk at four in the morning and stand outside shouting and arguing, my first thought was is dropping a piano on them an over reaction or maybe an anvil ? Ive googled it and can’t find a law against it .
Any way I’ll leave you with my land locked beach hut project made on a whim with bits I had knocking about , doesn’t everyone have an anchor, ships wheel and dummy ?