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Thread: As good as it gets .

  1. #501
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    10,671

    Re: As good as it gets .

    You need to focus on arranging the funeral, Buster. Ignore your partner's whingeing about her lost holiday. It's irrelevant and inappropriate.

    Your brother has a long term girlfriend to support him and they will sort out the house business-you have other things to sort out and can't take on everyone's problems. Threatening suicide is not the same as acting on it. He's in distress obviously and can't envisage a life without your mum but this is all part of the horrible process of bereavement.

  2. #502
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,729

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Thanks pulisa , I was dreading organising the funeral but it turned out the director was lovely lady my mums age , I went to school with her daughter , she knew my dad ( well everyone did back in the day ) she knew my mums family so it all felt right and that they’d look after her , my mum when released ( sounds like she’s in jail ) will be at the end of my street which gives me a little comfort , I don’t want to see her the way she is but I can have a walk down and say bye .
    My partner was much more supportive today helping arrange the funeral and death certificate she didn’t mention the holiday so much and I’ve said there will be other times for that and this will only happen once so I don’t want to get it wrong and live with regrets like my dad’s death 20 years ago .
    After worrying all night about my brother he was still with us in the morning, I’m running everything by him to keep him included in the arrangements , it will be bizarre wearing masks and probably no wake but a while ago there would be no funeral at all , I’ve been out and got us both suits to wear and today I’m hoping to get on top of the probate thing so he can move house when ready , the solicitor is trying to screw us for £1200 just to fill in the forms which I’m pretty sure I can do myself .
    Its not the holiday I dreamed of either but I’m plodding on , some sleep would help , why always between 3 and 4 does my brain want to play games ? At 4.55 my first neighbour will start her car then I know I’m not getting back to sleep .
    Im starting to believe there is a God and ive done something to really piss him off .
    Right time to stare at the ceiling some more , Bye x

  3. #503
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,729

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Finding it all a bit overwhelming today , there is just so much to do and nothing is simple , every now and then it hits me like ton of bricks that I’ll never see her again , I well up so much I can’t even get a word out , I seem to have gone from anxiety to anger issues ( I punched something very hard yesterday, it didn’t help ) and now back to my old reliable friend anxiety , struggling to breath palps and chest pain , I think talking to the God squad about the funeral service set me off .
    It occurred to me earlier the only person to ask how I am doing is my granddaughter who’s asked several times , it’s been so hard not seeing them as much lately and the way things are going it will all be locked down again soon .
    In all this has not been the two weeks rest by the sea I had envisaged, an empty caravan sits down the east coast if anyone fancies it , if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans , well he must be sitting in a puddle of p**s right now .
    take care all .

  4. #504
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    , , United Kingdom.
    Posts
    1,379

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Hey Buster. Bereavement is about as bad as it gets in life, you will know this of course having already lost your Dad. The pain can even be physical so try to roll with the punches if you can. That said, there are no rules when it comes to losing someone you love. Only time can ease those feelings of loss so know that this will get better, but its early days right now so allow yourself to grieve.

    Bless your granddaughter, children are so often the source of the most comfort. If you can't see her as much due to covid, could you chat over Zoom or Skype? Keep your dogs close too. Look after yourself buddy.
    __________________
    'It was a wedding ring, destined to be found in a cheap hotel, lost in a kitchen sink, or thrown in a wishing well' - Marillion, Clutching at Straws, 1987

  5. #505
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    2,854

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Oh Iím so sorry about your Mum.
    My Mum had dementia too and itís horrible, and still a shock when they go. I also missed her in hospital. One of the nurses told me that Mums donít want to cause their children anguish, so often go before they get there.
    There is a lot to do isnít there. Do you think it would help your brother to do some of it too? Make calls etc?

    Itís an awful situation. Keep talking to us, we are here x


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  6. #506
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    558

    Re: As good as it gets .

    I’m so sorry I’m late to the party here buster - but just wanted to say I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. It’s no comfort right now but she will no longer have to suffer and is in no more pain. Someday you’ll find comfort in that but more than likely now is too soon. Keep coming on here and venting as much as you need to - we’re here to listen and support you even if it’s only through the internet!

  7. #507
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    2,863

    Re: As good as it gets .

    After you get on the other side of this, the funeral and other final arrangements, going through the house, execution of the will, etc... I can't recommend grief counseling enough, for both you and your brother. Sometimes we have so many period of bereavement in our lives that we never stop and deal with, that after so long, it all adds up, and we need to deal with those emotions and process them with someone who can help us sort them out. I've learned myself that grief it not just sadness...it's hurt, anger, guilt, regret, bitterness and many other emotions that accompany it.

    Hang in there.
    __________________
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  8. #508
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,729

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Hi , thanks for the comments and support guys , yesterday I completely lost my s**t with the GOV.com probate website and phone team , I got passed about so much and the website is useless , I did apologise to the people after I’d let rip but they were giving me wrong numbers to call which all had long waits to get through , writing the eulogy broke me I would rather be kicked in the b**ls for month than the pain of grief, it is physical as well as mental pain as fish said , Ive tried to make the eulogy a little funny in places and praised my brother for looking after mum , it makes me look bad but I’m big enough and ugly enough to take that on the chin .
    So with everything I can possibley do done and mum won’t be released until next week I’ve headed back to the coast for the last couple of days , it’s windy and raining but walking the dogs down the beach felt good , the further away from my problems I get the smaller they seem , I did start to feel like I was about to crack so being away might recharge my batteries ready for the funeral.
    I do feel guilty not being there at the end and angry that no Gp would go and see her before she got too ill and it was too late , not directly but she has been a victim of covid .
    What I would give for a good nights sleep .
    Thank you all .x

  9. #509
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    2,863

    Re: As good as it gets .

    Ask your GP for a sleep aid. I wish I had asked mine for one in the early days of going through grief. Remember, if it helps, it's also okay to set aside a certain amount of time each day to deal with your grief and other issues surrounding your mom's funeral, and then keep it out of mind when that time is over. Be kind to yourself. Often we are our own worst critics.
    __________________
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    Currently working on: World Domination

  10. #510
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Posts
    1,118

    Re: As good as it gets .

    I'm with what Vee says regarding bereavement counselling; I had it after losing my mother and my wife inside fifteen months of each other.

    It helped a lot; in fact, my counsellor is actually the reason I'm still here to write to you to offer advice.

    Main charity in the UK is CRUSE - https://www.cruse.org.uk/

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